Never Being Tamed

Never Being Tamed

never being tamed



Saw this on Tumblr tonight and it really struck me by surprise.

I know it sounds crazy – maybe naive and inexperienced, but I never thought of this before. I always thought there was something wrong with me because I never wanted to calm down or stop exploring or stop adventuring.  I didn’t know there were people out there who might be looking for me because they think the same thing.


50 Shades of Grey Movie Poster is out!

50 Shades of Grey Movie Poster is out!

50 shades of grey movie poster

Universal Pictures has unveiled the first bit of promotional material for the film “Fifty Shades of Grey” last Friday: a poster that begins “the yearlong countdown to Valentine’s Day 2015 when the film arrives in theaters.”  Heh… they said firm.

Shockingly, the poster doesn’t give a lot of information, instead encouraging kinky lovers everywhere that a screenwriter has worked diligently to help rewrite the book in a way that is more digestible for those above a third grade reading level (Sorry Oklahoma).

If you live near one of five fancy urban street corners where the poster will be displayed, you can beg Christian Grey to tie you up yourself! Those intersections are in New York (Grand Street & 6th Ave.), Los Angeles (Wilshire Blvd. & Gayley), Chicago (LaSalle & Hubbard), San Francisco (Mission Street & 6th) and Seattle (1st & Wall Street).

It’s always nice to have someone to help you fight off the assassins

It’s always nice to have someone to help you fight off the assassins

mr and mrs smith

Yesterday. ThePrairieGay wrote about a guy who wants to marry him and have like, ten thousand of his babies. PG isn’t really in the place right now to do it.  While I think his young inexperienced adorable friend is probably misguided, I can see where he’s coming form.

So, I just got out of a relationship with someone I was in love with. Like for real in love. We have talked, he agreed he fucked it up and doesn’t understand what was going on in his head, and realistically isn’t in the place in his life right now where it makes sense for us to get back together.  His reasons are completely valid, I absolutely agree with him that there are things of a higher priority and because I love him I want more than anything for him to work out his issues.

Here’s my problem, even though I’m hurt from our break-up, and we’ve had a lot of conversations about where we are and what we feel and our intentions, I can’t stop thinking about him.  I see stuff I want to email him. Talk to him about. Gchat him.  I wish I could say I was lonely, I wish I could say it was because of sex, but the reality is that all of my needs are being met. I have enough friends, I’ve been sleeping with other people since we broke up.  I’m fine. I’m actually pretty good and I feel happy and am enjoying my daily life. But the thing is, I miss him, and I miss us.  We were actually really good together.

I hate chick flicks.  Sure I’ll watch them and roll my eyes understanding life really isn’t like that and be frustrated that we have a culture that now believes relationships must be like what they see in the movies.  I’m really more of a Mr. and Mrs. Smith romance than Maid in Manhattan.  And the idea of a graceful dance while we fight for our lives with semiautomatic weapons defending ourselves from would be assassins is more appealing than a rich dude “rescuing” me. I don’t want to be the girl that is rescued – I want to be the girl that is part of a team where we’re constantly saving each other’s asses.  Partners.

But there is something to the quote from When Harry Met Sally where Harry says “when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”

So, it’s hard. In part because I get where PG’s little dude is coming from.  I want to email my guy and as “So are you in therapy yet? How’s that going?” or “Hey, have you got your shit together yet?”  But the reality is, we all learn and grow at our own pace and our own time.  I spent the first 2 months of our relationship struggling to get out of a pretty deep depression. And you can’t force that or do it for someone.  He may never get his shit together, he may never stabilize his life, and let’s say he does, maybe he won’t love or care about me anymore.  So what’s a girl to do?  I hear you saying it, dear reader, move on.

Believe me, I want to. It’s easier when things are clear.  When he was an asshole who hurt me and dumped me, things were very clear.  When he apologizes, regrets it, wants to get his shit together, and recognizes he can’t be what I need right now and doesn’t want to take advantage of me … well, that complicates things.  I spent the first two months of our relationship not having my shit together, and now I regret it, because I wasn’t the best version of myself, I really wasn’t even a good version of myself.  And the last two months he was the worst version of himself.  Would be nice if at some point we could both be our best and be together. Even just for a little while.  After all, it’s always nice to have someone to help you face the assassins.

Now that’s romance right there.

Gay on the Plains: No, I Don’t Want to Marry You

Gay on the Plains: No, I Don’t Want to Marry You

Breaking Hearts in the Heartland

road map

Meandering Paths

We are all on our own journeys, dear reader. We each have our own destination, we each have our own pace, and we’re all just doing our best to keep moving forward. We’re not all barreling along the interstate on a straight line at 80 mph. Instead its more like a meandering web of paths, like the winding, cobbled streets of an ancient European village. The good news is that those paths intersect with one another constantly. The bad news is that those intersections frequently occur at the most inconvenient times.

I mentioned before that I am entering a period of introspection and reflection. I’m working on figuring out what my priorities are for the next few years, and where I want to be. I’ve also mentioned that I am enjoying casual dating. I don’t believe that these two things are totally incongruous, however I’ve discovered that it puts my path on a collision course with a few others.

I recently started an online conversation with a gentleman who lives in a very small town, about an hour from where I live. We hit it off early on and have chatted and texted regularly since. I have been totally up front about where I am in life, and my current aversion to beginning an ongoing romantic relationship with anyone. He has said that he totally relates, because he too is taking some time to work on himself.

And then he’ll ask, “So… how long do you think you’re going to take to work on you before you start thinking about settling down?” Which immediately sets off alarm bells in my head.


Hunting for a husbear!

I’ll respond, “I really don’t know, but I don’t think that should be important right now. I’m enjoying making new friends, yourself among them. Lets not get ahead of ourselves!”

“No no, I wasn’t! I was just wondering, you know. …So… friends? Plural? Like… how many guys are you talking to? Did you meet them all on Grindr?”


Twice now I’ve had to seriously remind this gentleman that even though he’s great and I’m absolutely enjoying getting to know him, this just isn’t going to go anywhere serious anytime soon. And twice now he’s responded that I’m getting it all wrong, and he’s not at all looking for a relationship, and he just wants to be my friend and keep texting. Constantly texting. And getting just a tiny bit annoyed when time isn’t made for him. We haven’t ever even met in person!

And so, dear reader, I come to you for advice. Can a PrairieGay like me explore casual dating in an upfront and honest way without inadvertently pulling in husband hunters, and inevitably disappointing and frustrating them? Am I treading into ethical waters that bear a closer examination before I proceed further? I’d be very interested in hearing your thoughts in the comments.

We need a hook up cuddling app

We need a hook up cuddling app

will you cuddle with meMy co-blogger ThePrairieGay and I were discussing the value of cuddling this week.  It seems a woman in Portland is offering her services as a professional cuddler to the general public.

“What I do is meant to do a similar thing that massage does but for the mind. It’s meant to really relax you and keep you centered and balanced and help you with your sense of self-worth,” Hess said.

“It’s not sexual”

Hess will cuddle and converse with you for a dollar a minute but service stops there.

Here is the interesting thing: Cuddling is actually really good for you. Nevermind the mental health benefits like making you feel happy and loved, it has actual health befits as well.  Stop laughing. Most notably, it can reduce your blood pressure and reduce your cortisol levels.  Cortisol is the stress hormone that makes your body freak out and not process foods and fats the correct way.  If you have a big belly – chances are you’re either you have bad genetics, you’re a lazy bastard, or you work in a really really stressful job.  That has actual impacts on your health. Cortisol and I know each other quite well, because when I’m on campaigns I have increased Cortisol levels and I gain weight.  Increased belly fat makes your blood pressure go up and it is bad for your heart.

Another interesting effect is an increase of oxytocin.  So, when we hug or kiss a loved one, oxytocin levels drive up.  And according to the TED Talk (below) by Neuroeconomist Paul Zak, oxytocin could be “the moral molecule” which impacts the our ability to trust and feel empathy. And hey – it may even help make us better people.

My co-blogger and I have decided we need an app like Grindr but only for cuddling.  Totally non-sexual. No hook-ups. Zero. Only clothed cuddling. And you don’t need to post photos of your sexy chest and your big thick junk – but descriptions of your big arms and heightened sense of compassion are likely a plus.  Cuddlr would allow people to find others in their area who just need a hug and who want to curl up with someone.


Gay on the Plains: Please Stop Sending Me Pics of Your Junk

Gay on the Plains: Please Stop Sending Me Pics of Your Junk

Amber Waves of Grain and A Sea of Headless Torsos

Grindr ProfileIn my experience, being a single gay man in the heartland brings challenges that differ from those faced by our coastal brethren. We live in a part of the country that is, by and large, more conservative, and more sparsely populated. That can make finding a date feel a little intimidating. The dating pool is smaller AND more likely to be at least partially in the closet.

So what is a lonely PrairieGay to do? Technology!

A million articles have been written about Grindr, and its many copycats. It’s been called impersonal, transactional, cold, and driven by our very basest instincts. And for many of its users, that is a fair assessment. You will find on these apps no shortage of pictures of muscular, chiseled, perfectly tanned, shirtless torsos… without heads. And many these guys are likely to strike up a conversation with inquisitive panache; “wut u n2?” or even “u looking?”

Charming, I know.

But, at least in my experience, mixed in with these headless, horned-up Greek statues are bunches of regular guys. They’re guys who have faces! And they work at the coffee shop, or in an office downtown, and they really aren’t looking for a quick hookup. Many of them aren’t looking for a boyfriend either, but just want to find someone interesting to chat with.

Those are my guys.

See, here’s the thing about mid-sized, Midwestern towns. We don’t have gay neighborhoods. We don’t have gay bookstores and coffee shops. Most of us have to travel to a larger city, like Kansa City, or Wichita or St. Louis or Denver to celebrate gay pride every year. In most of our cities and towns, we just lack that critical mass of gays it takes to put on a good pride. Many of our brothers and sisters have fled to the bigger cities. Many who remain stay comfortable by assimilating into their conservative suburban neighborhoods, and would be mortified by the idea of marching down Main St. waving our flag of many colors.

And so… if you thirst for social connections and new friends among the small town, Middle American gay community, you’re gonna have to find them first. In the dark ages, before smart phones and gps and Grindr, that meant getting personal introductions from your mutual straight friends. And we all know how effective that can be:

 “You’ll just LOVE my coworker Steven! You have so much in common!”

“Oh yeah? Like what?”

“Well, he’s really cute and he goes to anime conventions all the time, and he collects precious moments figurines, isn’t that just adorable?”

“Uh… I guess.  What, exactly do we have in common though?”

“Well… you’re both, you know,” (whispers) “GAY!”

This retail approach to making gay friends took a very, very long time.  It was hit or miss, and often a lot more miss.  And then, the heavens opened up, and the gay gods brought us Grindr. Finely a wholesale outlet for meeting all the gays in a hundred mile radius!

Wow... that sure is a lot of junk.

Wow… that sure is a lot of junk.

Like I said, the apps are problematic on many levels.  A dear friend of mine refers to them as “the hoechats.” As in, “Ugh, I was just hoping maybe I’d meet someone who might be fun to take to that art opening next week, but… you know how it is on the hoechats. Next thing I knew I was being inundated with uninvited pictures of some dude’s junk. By the way, what are you doing next Friday?”

But I met that very friend, you guessed it, on the hoechats. In fact, I’ve met a number of friends there.  Some of them I’ve later met up with in real life, to get dinner, see a move or go to a party. So in my book, the hoechats are what you make of them. If all you want to do is find a one night stand, go for it. There’s a sea of headless torsos just waiting for you. But if you want to meet the area gays, and get to know your community a little better, you can do that too.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have half a dozen message notifications to take a look at. Oh, and by the way, I guess a few pics of your junk would be okay. Just don’t over do it.


Gay on the Plains: An Introduction

Gay on the Plains: An Introduction

Editor’s Note: Gay on the Plains is a new section for the Having It Both Ways project that talks about a beautiful wonderful dear friend and his own dating adventures – but this time on the mid coast.  ENJOY! 

I don’t know how it happened. I woke up one morning and my twentys were gone.  And they’d been gone a while. It’s okay, though, because I spent them working on building just the kind of life I want to live, and everything is awesome now.  Wait, what? That’s not what happened at all? So now I’m a 33 year old single gay man in the plains states; recently separated and totally clueless on how to proceed? Well… what the hell, fate?

The quick and dirty life story is that I have repeatedly raced into long term relationships, and then, a year or so later, I find myself totally invested, and mostly miserable.  Determined to be a beacon of a healthy and happy gay relationship for my mid-western neighbors to marvel at, I put on a brave face, I tell myself that everything is great, and I press on. Until, over the course of a few years, we gradually come to despise one another; or worse, to simply ignore each other.

And so, my adult life to date has been spent in three serious relationships. Over the last 15 years I have spent part of 2004 and part of 2009 single. That’s it.  Having made this realization, dear reader, I’d like to invite you to take a journey with me.  Over the next year, or more, I’m going to do some introspection. I’m going to focus on aspects of my life other than being one half of a couple. Personal growth, career growth and building connections to my community are all goals for this year. Finding a husband is not on the list.

That’s not to say I won’t someday find the man of my dreams, and marry him, buy a big house and adopt a hundred babies from all around the world. That could happen. Just, not this year. Not today. It’s neither my goal nor my focus.

“But, PrairieGay, if you’re not looking for a relationship, then…what are you doing on this dating-focused blog? Is this gonna be some kind of Eat, Pray, Love BS? Because that’s really not what I’m here for,” you may be thinking.

Well I never said there wouldn’t be dating. I intend to go on LOTS of dates. I intend to meet all the eligible bachelors (and probably my fair share of ineligible ones as well) and have dinner, get cocktails, go dancing maybe. From time to time a lucky gentleman suitor may even be invited to come upstairs and look at the etchings. (I have an excellent and extensive collection of etchings).

I’ve only just dipped my toe into the pool of datable (and undatable) men of the high plains, and already I have so much to tell you about. Stories of excitement and heartbreak. Of new friends and old flames. Of new ways of meeting and communicating that I could never have even imagined the last time I was single.

It’s a pleasure to meet you, I’m the Prairie Gay, and we have so much to talk about!


Did being founded by the Puritans make us uptight forever?

Did being founded by the Puritans make us uptight forever?

miley vs madonna


There was a valuable article in Alternet this week that I highly recommend.

We are an uptight nation. All you have to do is see the freak out that occurred when Janet Jackson’s nipple was exposed on national TV. We can watch people get strangled, beaten, shot, knifed, and everywhere in between but god forbid we see a nipple.

“The real story here is how we’re such a hypersexualized, yet pleasure-starved culture. America is a Christian consumer nation bent on policing sexual expression, while selling smut and sanctimony steeped in shame. Profitable sexual transgressions are the norm, yet apparently the only threat to childhood innocence. So conversation about healthy sexuality to combat today’s paradoxical messages must be squashed to “protect the kids.” Conservative culture warriors—aided and abetted by an infotainment media that feeds off of extremes—conflate the progressive push toward sexual freedom and justice with the toxic byproduct of anything-goes commercialism.”

So how do you balance the objectification of women with the fact that we shouldn’t be so uptight?

Let’s begin by acknowledging once and for all that sex isn’t about procreation. People don’t have sex just to make babies. It turns out we do it because we like it.  Not just me. Not just you. All of us. It is the true unifier for both genders and multiple sexualities, regardless of age. Everyone likes pleasure.

The next step is to stop assholes from thinking that they’re entitled to use women for their sexual pleasures and raise boys to be respectful of women.  Not hard, right?  Rape is not ok and comes out of a lack of respect for other people. Let’s remember our humanity, and stop cutting funds for mental health services to violent offenders.

And finally via the Alternet piece:

“Questioning the stories we tell ourselves about sex frees us from having to squeeze into any Silver Slipper sexual ideal. To unlearn shame culture we must teach something else. To break the chains of purity vs. perversion, performance vs. pathology binaries, change the conversation. Let’s start with the elephant in the room, America’s unspoken taboo: pleasure. Talking sexual pleasure can be tough when most conflate pleasure with hedonism and selfishness. But sex is not only fun. While most of the animal kingdom does it solely for procreation, sex for pleasure is what makes us human.”

Because sex can cause accidents

Because sex can cause accidents
Because sex can cause accidents

I just keep thinking “We’ll just tell her we ate it…” Sex can be dangerous. Not just when you’re playing rough or when your equipment malfunctions because it wasn’t reinforced into a support beam, but if you’re inexperienced and you don’t know the way your partner’s body works and responds, you could be setting yourself up for an accident.

That’s when TLC’s new show “Sex Sent Me To The ER” comes in. Because If you fuck up fucking up… we all get to laugh at you.

When my father first started working as an EMT he told me about a woman who was a crack whore who they made a call on who’d had anal sex so rough that her rectum collapsed and the dude left so fast that he left the condom inside her.  Ok that’s not a funny story… that’s messed up.  And is so horrifying I’ll tell you, it has scared the hell out of me to such an degree that it’s one of those thoughts that runs through my mind when I’m having sex with someone.  No one needs that.  And not all stories are funny. Doubt TLC will tell those.

H/T to Jezebel for this. But I do not agree the “The Learning Channel” is no longer a “learning channel” I think there are teachable moments in this show – reinforces your sex swing being one of them.

Is love like what it is in the movies?

Is love like what it is in the movies?

Can love be like whats in the movies

I recently had someone tell me that love isn’t like it is in the movies. That it’s hard.  When I read those words it made me sad, because while I’d always viewed relationships to, at times be difficult, the idea that love was hard seemed like a horrible way to view things. Less than a week later I had dinner with someone with which I shared my relationship history. “Love actually isn’t that hard” she told me, as if she somehow knew the discussion I’d had just days previously.

I’m going to make a bold declaration and say that love is what you make of it. We decide how we view things. We have the power to control how we react and respond, and we can choose what touches our hearts and what we focus our minds and memories on.

I’ve had my heart broken, just the same as many of you readers. Not just by lovers but friends and by family.  It’s easy to be sad. It might even be easy to be so consumed by bitterness that it clouds your perceptions of what love can be. I know it’s further enhanced my inability to trust someone.

But can the fallout of a relationship be so damaging that it forever destroys your ability to see the fireworks and smell the roses? I’m going to be the jackass that has the balls to say if that’s the case you’re just being lazy. And I say this as someone for whom it took 5 years to get back on the relationship horse.

It’s hard to get past the hurt. The cliche about scars does, it turns out, hold true. Maybe that’s the part about love being difficult; working through your issues, fighting past the fear, being willing to trust someone with your deepest thoughts and emotions. But love, the kind that lasts forever, really does have the capacity to move you in ways that Bogie and Bergman would give a nod to.

How? It isn’t some magical spell, it’s just learning to let go. Let go of the fear. Let go of the bitterness. Let go of little things that bug you like how he snaps at you every time he knows he’s wrong or she has atrocious table manners. She may not be “the one” and he might not be “price charming” but when you find that person that makes you feel like you’re good together – let the other things go and only focus on the moments that bring you joy. Then it really will be like what’s in the movies, because the fireworks as the music swells is all you’ll ever remember.

The power of positive thinking, my friends… it’s hard, but the bitterness and sadness will kill everything that is beautiful and wonderful every time.