Monthly Archives: August 2012

Having It Both Ways: Never go to the store when youre hungry!

Having It Both Ways: Never go to the store when youre hungry!

Read more about the Having it Both Ways project here.

You’ve heard it before, right?  Never go to the grocery store when you’re hungry.  Don’t do it.  Have a sammich or grab a cappuccino … but if you go when you’re hungry you’ll end up with $150 of Cheetos puff balls, wine, several pounds of deli meat, frozen pies, not to mention the things you’ve somehow convinced yourself that you’re going to cook throughout the week but then realize you probably won’t really.

This is a lot like sex.  No, seriously, go along with me, here.  When you’re hungry …. don’t go to the grocery store.  See what I did there?  Because ultimately you’ll end up with a crazy dude you met off the internet that is throwing up all sorts of red flags, but your libido is saying “oh … yes… right there… right there….”  Why?  Because it’s hungry. You don’t need the cheetos.  Put the pie down.

This is exactly why I have the all too infrequent Fifty Shades of Grey.  Fifty came into my life at a particularly difficult time in my romantic journey when I needed a distraction.  Our sexy repartee and his sexual puns provided hours of email and gchat enjoyment.  And now that we’ve taken it offline, it’s kept me from making any additional bad mistakes.

It serves as a lesson for everyone but also a question for those too uncomfortable with the idea of someone only serving that role in your life.  Is the expectation that you’ll end up in the happy endings you get with “Friends with Benefits” or “No Strings Attached?”  Because, I’ve long held that Hollywood’s interpretation of relationships like that are sensationalized for the “chick flick” viewing audience who longs for the music to swell and the lovers to be together forever…. awwww…  But its not always going to end up like that, and it’s unrealistic to believe that it will.

This is why I assume I keep getting comments from my girlfriends telling me to “cut him loose.”  I always ask why and the answer is always – “There’s no relationship in it for you.”  My question becomes…. So, whats wrong with that?  That’s not what I want either, that’s not what I’m striving for with this person.  That isn’t our relationship now nor am I hoping it will be.  So… why is it not ok to have a “friendship” or “relationship” that isn’t going to end with marriage, 2.5 kids, a house with a picket fence, and a dog?  Are we so conditioned as women to think that our relationships should end that way that when we see them taking a different path we cut the line loose?  What would happen if the end game wasn’t a long-term, traditional, monogamous, marriage?  How might we do things differently?  How might dating or sex change?  How might we as people change?  Food for thought, dear reader, food for thought….

Having it Both Ways: Still no Schtooping

Having it Both Ways: Still no Schtooping

If you want to read more about my dirty little secrets you can subscribe to me on Facebook and see lots of photos of my food porn brunches and cappuccino.

There’s something to be said for being able to let go.  This has long been a skill I’ve struggled to master.  In every aspect of my life.  Let go of people, let go of love, let go of feelings, emotions, struggles, fears, pretty much anything.  Somehow if I hold onto it I have control.  I’m a control freak, a lazy one, but a control freak nonetheless.  I think this what appeals to me about my bizarre adventures with my very own 50 Shades of Grey.  I not only have zero control, but he forces me to let go.  And for some unclear reason I can with him.

There’s a comfort in not being in a relationship with someone.  I don’t have to worry about impressing him or her because we have no future together.  I don’t have to always be perfect or brilliant or funny or really try at all.  I can just be me.  I can let go.  The force and strength holding back any vulnerability is suddenly a relaxing sigh of relief.

My hands were shaking again when he came over for a surprise visit Friday evening.  After the intense weekend of dating and a full week out nearly every night with friends for DC’s Restaurant Week, I needed some time to myself.  I needed some time to do laundry and dust things.  I didn’t anticipate spending the evening being dusted by the large hands of Mr. 50 Shades.

He emailed me while I was at the grocery store looking for dinner.  “And how are we this evening?” he asked.  “I’m good, just leaving the store with dinner and juice, you?” I replied.  “Be ready at 9,” he responded.  The last time we’d really spoken was Thursday of the previous week when he stopped by for half an hour.  I feared it only took him a few minutes to discover I wasn’t what he wanted and bailed.  We hardly talked all week.  I moped around the grocery store looking for a bottle of wine after what I felt was a rejection from my new special friend.  Now I was racing home,  hurriedly threw paperwork back in my laptop bag, picked up laundry, changed out of my gym cloths.

Saturday morning I texted a friend “Still no schtooping.” She replied, “OMG you’re such a prude just give it up!”

 

Having It Both Ways: I know what you did last weekend

Having It Both Ways: I know what you did last weekend

RIP our dateAre you reading my Having It Both Ways series?  Does your mother know?  You’re so naughty!

So let me just tell you about the highlights of the dates I had this weekend.  First, last night was amazing.  Mixology set me up with a lovely young woman who graduated from University of Tulsa.  She’s from Texas – but absolutely loves Oklahoma and wants so much to move back there.  She loves the former Mayor, loves the environment, the cute shops everywhere…. All around loves Tulsa.  I mean… how do you not, right?

She was outgoing, expressive, open.  I didn’t feel uncomfortable telling her about the blog and how I’d never really asked myself about these relationship questions before and never really thought much about it.  So, we talked about those topics.  At one point she got up to go to the ladies room and I did a status update on Facebook because sometimes y’all seem to like it when I update you on the status of the date…. and just said – OMG this is the greatest date ever!  So she comes back to the table and we exchange information including Facebook and I say “Um.. so… here’s the thing… I just did a status update saying it was an awesome date and you’re amazing” and she laughs and is like “I’m friending you RIGHT NOW” and then of course she comments on it.  So I introduced everyone to her.  Brett Banditelli joked we broke the 4th wall of the Internet.  Either way – it was a great evening and I really hope there are more.

On the other spectrum of the dating world was Geek Dude.  Which, honestly I was most excited about (at the time).  We met on OKCupid, we’d been talking all week via email and gchat, things were spicing up and getting hot.  So we met for lunch, and everything was going well.  He said a few weird things -  insults wrapped in compliments that were annoying.  He listened to my radio thing on Friday night and said something about how I was saying “like” and “um” too much… which I tend to do anyway but I’m sure it’s worse at 1am… So he was talking about how other people find that annoying but he thought it was cute.  I brushed it off.  There was some conversation about how the GOP is being obstructionist in the Senate and he made a comment about how Democrats were too which is why nothing has happened in the Senate since 2004.  Then wouldn’t have any further discussion about it because I disagreed but then later wanted to make sure I knew he wasn’t having the conversation because he didn’t want us to have a disagreement on the first date.

Things escalated when we left the restaurant and walked around the mall.  We sat on the top floor on a bench overlooking the food court.  His arm was around me and he was stroking my hair and my shoulder.  He leaned in to kiss me several times.  It was nice.  I liked him, I was seriously into it and everything was great.  I felt a little uncomfortable because it was in public, and I’m not generally open about public displays of affection like that, but I chalked it up to my lack of experience.  But in times like that, the fact is it felt great and I was just going with it.  He walked me to the train, kissed me goodbye.

I was exhausted after being up until about 2:30am for the radio show and got up at 8 to get ready for the date, so I went home and literally crashed until a few minutes before I was supposed to meet other friends for dinner and a movie.  Didn’t get home until about 11:30pm that evening and fell asleep in my jeans and tshirt I was so tired.  The next morning I woke up to an email from Geek Dude that made me a little uncomfortable and it started to feel like things were going to fast.  The expectation was that we would sleep together the next weekend.  I just wasn’t there yet.  It was fun, it was good, I enjoyed it, but this was too soon and for me, trust has to be built before I’m ready to go there.

I emailed him back and told him how I felt and he got angry and sarcastic.  I emailed back trying to make it clear that I had a great time, I was absolutely attracted to him but that I’m not really one to just jump in bed with someone.  At one point in the exchange he commented that he doesn’t have a hard time getting girls to sleep with him.  Not the right thing to say.  I’m sure he doesn’t – and if I walked into a bar in a cute dress and flirted with some random dude… I could go home with someone too.  Thing is… I don’t do that because that’s not who I am.  The fact that someone is comfortable having random sex with someone else so quickly doesn’t bother me, but it also doesn’t impress me, and it certainly doesn’t make me feel compelled to give it up to two weeks after knowing the person.

He continued to get more and more sarcastic and more insults wrapped in compliments appeared.  The final one I read as I was waiting for the train to head home from my Sunday date.  It was after several exchanges of me trying to explain my feelings and that I wasn’t blaming him for doing anything wrong – it was just that I felt we weren’t there yet.  He responded out of the blue with “Yes, I’m having a good weekend.  Thanks for asking.  It did take me 4 hours to drive home due to traffic but it was worth it.”

This was just too many red flags too fast.  I ended up replying “Thank you so so much for the great date on Saturday I really appreciate it and I had a great time. I wish you the best in the future, but this isn’t going to work. I appreciate the enthusiasm though.”  By the time I got home he’d unfriended me on all of the social media sites he’d friended me on and unfollowed me on twitter.

I had described what happened to Sprinkles Dude who told me after the first email to cut him loose.  But I ended up emailing 50 to ask him if I was wrong and this was perhaps the personality that comes out of typical dominant males.  50 agreed I did the right thing too.  At least I have men in my life I can trust who are looking out for me.

The whole thing was very confusing.  I felt really bad, because I did absolutely lead him to believe I enjoyed it and I was comfortable.  But being comfortable with someone kissing you and touching you and wanting to see them again is different than being comfortable enough to have sex with them – especially invite them to your apartment to spend an extended period of time having sex and other things.  I’ve said it before – I just can’t trust someone that fast.

Having it Both Ways: America’s Favorite Past Time – Sex and Judgment

Having it Both Ways: America’s Favorite Past Time – Sex and Judgment

Photo credit goes to Sprinkles Guy

Read more about the Having It Both Ways Project here.  Or just imagine you did and instead watch dirty videos… i don’t care.

I’m still pretty shocked by the responses I had this week after the post I did on my fear of falling in love.  I guess in retrospect I should have been more clear instead of just rambling my feelings like a confused mime expecting readers to see past the initial two paragraphs.  It seems once folks saw I’d slept with a married dude that was all they could read.  Most missed the point entirely.  And even in the follow up piece, few got to the next to last paragraph that said the last thing I wanted was to end up in a relationship where I wasn’t having my needs met and even thought of cheating on my partner.

What I should have done is simply describe the 4 relationships and ask you, dear reader, which one is the healthiest relationship.

Relationship 1:  Couple has sex rarely, argues constantly.  This has gone on their entire short marriage.  Husband has had multiple affairs and is unhappy.  Wife knows nothing.  Husband would leave if it was financially feasible.

Relationship 2:  Couple loves each other deeply, soul mates … the whole bit.  Wife is incredibly vanilla, husband is incredibly… not.  Husband seeks non-emotional detached sex toy that just happens to be human without wife’s knowledge.

Relationship 3:  Couple is deeply and profoundly in love.  Only had a few relationships in their lives.  Married after college.  Have incredible communication, tell each other everything, talk and process, have good sex.  Husband falls for a friend of theirs – friend falls too.  Couple considers open marriage with rules and guidelines for potential play as their relationship evolves and they try to understand more about their needs both individually and as a couple.

Relationship 4:  Couple has been married a long time.  Constantly fight.  Wife feels she’s not there’s no emotion in their relationship or their sex.  Desperate for passion, intimacy, and someone to love her.  Would never have affair.

Answer which one is the healthiest relationship.

Now.  Which one is the most socially acceptable relationship?  Answer why that is.

As I’m looking at relationships to pattern my own life off of, I’m seeing these and wondering which is the best for me, knowing that I don’t want to end up in a situation where I’m in relationships 1, 2, or 4.  How do you navigate that is my question?

Having It Both Ways: Let’s Talk about Sex

Having It Both Ways: Let’s Talk about Sex

Let's Talk about SEXCheck out more from the Having It Both Ways Project.

The presumption seems to be that because I write and talk about sex a lot, I am also having sex a lot.  Boy do I wish that were true.  The reality is a bit more pathetic.  Married people have more sex than I do.  Priests probably have more sex than I do.

The freedom that comes from finally figuring out who you are and what you want is a liberation that somehow makes you want to start having conversations about those very topics and asking questions to your much more experienced friends.  I ask … because I don’t know.  I talk about it because my experience is lacking.

But despite my confidence in talking about sexuality, relationships, and dating, my actual comfort in a free-love type of world…. well …… I’m still not exactly the free love type of person that many of my friends seem to be.  I’ve never had a one night stand.  I’ve never picked someone up in a bar and taken them home or gone back to his or her place.  I’ve never had sex on a first date… second date… or third date for that matter. And until today, never been kissed on a first date.

It took me two years before I was comfortable with the idea of sleeping with Dude 3 and six more months before I fell for him.  It took me a month before I trusted 50 to even stop by my apartment.  My hands were shaking so much, and we didn’t even do the deed.

Sex doesn’t have to equal love, so I’m not holding out for my heart to flutter the perfect way or angels to sing.  Sex can be fun, relaxing, it can be stress relief, and too it can be a physical expression of the love you have for someone else.  For me, sometimes, the things I do with the guy back home just helps me clear my head.  Like a mental and emotional reset button that helps me stop being so intense and uptight.  And any of you who know me well know that I can be pretty intense and uptight – despite my sexual liberation.

The truth is, while I admire those who are so free and able to express their sexuality with folks they’ve just met, I’m still very slow to trust anyone, whether they’re friends or sexual partners.  That’s slowly getting better, thanks to Dude 3‘s influence challenging me and pushing me for the 6 months we were getting closer.  But I still have to remind myself not to revert back to the fearful yet eager person I’ve spent most of my life being.

Having It Both Ways: 3 Dates 1 Weekend – Bring it!

Having It Both Ways: 3 Dates 1 Weekend – Bring it!

Read more about the controversy your friends might have been screaming about on Facebook at HavingItBothWays.com

I have another piece in the hopper that is sure to insight  panic among the masses, but until then, this weekend’s dating forecast, is sunny with the potential for hotness.  Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday is packed tight with 3 romantic dates and then, lucky for me, 3 friend dates.  After that is a super perk early next week I have 3 dates with my friend Beth celebrating DC’s Restaurant Week each at a different fabulous restaurant sure to highlight DC’s culinary uniqueness.

The one I’m most excited about is Geek Dude, who, it turns out, I have more in common with than I ever anticipated.  We spent most of last night chatting Sunday is another Mixology date with a woman we’ll call the “environmental consultant.”  She’s 5’8″, finishing her masters degree, traveled extensively, and is extremely extroverted.  Thus – my thoughts are that this should be fun.  Any volunteers who want to come with me to live tweet a date Sunday at 7?  Apply via Facebook or Twitter or the comment section below.

Tonight at 11pm EST I’m also being interviewed on a sexuality and relationship radio program where I get to rehash the last two days even more.  The host is at the very least a PhD, so I consider it free therapy if anything.

Today’s lesson for you, dear reader, is an encouraging word to think about the shitty ass comment you would very much like to post.  Here’s the thing…. just because you don’t know me doesn’t give you permission to name call or be rude.  Anger like that should really only be reserved for people in which you have a strong emotional investment.  You shouldn’t be getting that angry or offended by someone you don’t know and don’t care about.  It such a huge waste of your time and energy that you could be spending on your own insecurities you have about your sexuality or your relationships.  In the end, we can all disagree, we can all discuss openly and honestly, but there’s no reason to be an asshole.  Especially when you’ve got someone like me who will likely call you out for being an asshole.

Having It Both Ways: Other people’s morals do not apply to you, even if they think they do

Having It Both Ways: Other people’s morals do not apply to you, even if they think they do

To read more about the Having It Both Ways project – you may go here.

DISCLAIMER:  Maureen Warren called me tonight to ask me that I remove the mention of her comments because I was misrepresenting what she said.  That she is accepting of people in open relationships but would not give me the direct quote to paste here.  She also didn’t understand in the original post that the two men’s relationships were examples of relationships that I DON’T want… and she apparently missed it at the bottom of this post too.  But I clarified that for her.  I did remove the quotes around open relationship, however.  I didn’t mean to say that was a quote more of italicized.

 

So… wow.  I clearly lit up a firestorm, huh?  In one 24 hour period I had over a thousand hits on yesterdays blog post and 55 comments on Facebook about this … no wait… that’s 56.  Oh now 62.

Maureen Warren who I went to college with called me a bigot for being into open relationships – which is funny because as an out lesbian isn’t she the bigot for not being accepting of someone elses sexuality?  Maureen has been in a relationship with her partner since we were in college – what does she call people who say she is wrong for being with another woman?

Jesse Lava and his whole family posted comments saying that I was basically wrong and evil and at fault for other people not having their relationship shit together.  Ultimately he was so seemingly angry and judgmental he felt the need to align me to Goldman Sachs who of course stole all that money from people.

Crystal Pasilliao – who I don’t know at all – posted a link to a Dear Prudie column saying “My only relationships are with married men”  I replied to her to let her know I don’t have relationships with married men – I have sex with them… and there in lies what people seem to be more traditional and old fashioned about.  Sex doesn’t mean love.  Sex doesn’t mean a relationship.

MOST people who were complaining about the piece neglected to see past the “encounters” I’ve had with married men and instead get to the underlying point of the post.  The post was not about whether or not lying or affairs were or should be acceptable – that’s not for me to decide how someone else lives their life and nor is it for YOU, dear reader, to decide either.  Your life and your relationship is your business, not mine, not Maureen Warren, and not Jesse Lava.  Their relationships are their business and I would never presume to place my expectations on them.

In the end…….. Other people’s morals do not apply to you, even if they think they do.

What the post was ACTUALLY about – if you’d go back and read it – if you’re not too blinded by my wild and crazy ways – is that there are people in relationships that don’t get what they need.  Such that they step out to get those needs met.  I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIKE THAT.  Let me say that again … I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIKE THAT.  But that means that I need to figure out what I am willing to compromise on.  What I am willing to compromise on NOW may not be what I’m willing to compromise on 10, 20, or 30 years from now.   If I can get the political and emotional connectivity from friends and colleagues does that mean that I only need a partner for a relatively decent relationship and happy times?

This is the underlying question that few managed to answer.  The 3 things I need – deep soulful connection, political engagement on my side of the isle, and really good sex life.   Again – the headline of the previous piece asks… what happens if I fall in love.  Thus – what do I do if I’ve got 2 of the 3 and I know I won’t have that 3rd that I require?  How do I navigate that?  That’s when the questions of “open relationships” begin to enter into the conversation….

Having It Both Ways: Fear sets in – What if I fall in love?

Having It Both Ways: Fear sets in – What if I fall in love?

Is monogamy relevant in contemporary society?Read more about the Having It Both Ways Project!

UPDATE:  Read the follow up to this post here

For the past year and a half I’ve been having an affair off and on with someone who is in a relationship.  A miserable relationship with an awful, atrocious human being, but a relationship nonetheless.  While we now live in other places and have only seen each other twice this year, we talk constantly, sometimes it’s super hot talk, sometimes it’s me playing therapist to hear about his relationship woes, sometimes it’s him yelling at me for my political philosophy that he doesn’t agree with, but most times…. it’s just really really hot talk.

A month ago I started having hot conversations with another married guy.  I don’t know many of the details of his situation, but like the guy back home, I’m not this guy’s first affair, nor do I doubt I’ll be his last.

I also had a friend who was known for cheating on his long term partner SEVERAL times.

A married female friend of mine said to me this weekend “without religion telling us what is acceptable, we probably wouldn’t have come up with monogamy on our own.”  She and her husband have been together for a VERY long time, and recently decided to start thinking about having a more “open” relationship.  There are rules and guidelines, but the understanding is that there are adventures that the relatively inexperienced couple could have outside of their relationship as long as they maintained their marriage.  They’ve been in couples counseling for more than six months, and their therapist outright told them that of all of her couples, they communicate their needs and concerns better than any other she sees.  They are stable, rational, consenting adults who know the red flags to watch out for in making something like this work.

Another married friend of mine has been with her husband for 12 years and was shocked to hear the above story.  “I could never do that,” she told me.  “I’m too jealous,” and I think she also said possessive.  She also said that when emotions are involved it’s harder to allow for encounters like the one the couple above described, and both her and her husband have too many emotions wrapped into their relationship.

That’s not to say, however, that the open marriage couple doesn’t – their rule is:  they come home to each other.  They are partners and there is a commitment between them.  Clearly, however, the emotions that are in play with the two top men above are significantly detached.  Guy number one doesn’t love his wife, guy number two doesn’t love me, and both aren’t getting something that they clearly need in their existing relationships.  Which is why they come to me.

That’s why people cheat, right?  Well… mostly.  Because a need is not being fulfilled?  I suppose there is always the “Self Loathing Cheater” … you know the ones who cheat because “if she loves me there’s clearly something wrong with her” or “I don’t deserve to be happy because I’m a horrible person so I’ll sabotage our relationship.”  But let’s just focus on the needs not being fulfilled because that fits in with my two guys.

My non-monogamous friend asked me “what’s the difference between having girlfriends that you can go see chick flicks with for two hours and someone with whom you can have a different form of sex with for two hours?”  It’s a fair question.  If you’re not talking about love, it’s just fun and games, does it constitute cheating or an affair?  Many many many women, especially those back home, would say yes, because they would see it as a betrayal of trust.  I think they do have a point there.  If the spouse is lying about it and sneaking around, then it is a betrayal, isn’t it?  It’s a lie.  But what if you both discussed it, the rules, and the terms and ensured there was no love involved here?  Is it still a betrayal?

My mom’s second husband cheated on her and it left her a profoundly different person who is certainly a lot less trusting, and that’s a factor in her current relationship.  She was never able to get over that sense of betrayal.  The cheater in that situation, however, never loved the women he was with, nor did he love her any less, but I’m confident if he came to her and said “I’m a sex addict can I ……?” she’d never consent.  I doubt there are many wives, particularly in Oklahoma who would, addiction or not.

As I’m beginning to date and go on dates with people who are specifically looking for commitments, I’m starting to wonder about my own ability to be in a monogamous relationship with someone.  What if I fall for a guy and he can’t fulfill me in the deep emotional way that women do?  Are emotional cuddly relationships with women acceptable because we just take for granted that women have “lady friends” or does it become something different because I use to be a lesbian?  Is an emotional affair between me and another woman still an affair?  Does our culture accept that there are things that we don’t expect men to be able to provide so we look to obtain them from our “lady friends?”

If we say yes – would the same be true if I ended up in a long term relationship with a woman that I was deeply and profoundly emotionally in love with – but who wasn’t into wild crazy adventurous spontaneous sex, and thus that part of me was left unfulfilled?  If I stepped out on her and had a “play partner” I boinked occasionally, but didn’t love, is that still unacceptable?  Is it the same thing?

My biggest fear in dating folks is in falling in love with someone who doesn’t meet all of my needs.  But is it wrong to assume that I can find someone who actually will?  And is it more sensible to decide what needs 100% must be met and what are more…. soft needs that can be somehow available elsewhere?   I think once you grow up and realize that there really isn’t that one single soulmate that completes you perfectly, the former begins to look more appealing.  The people who are in relationships like that are often times obsessed with each other, co-dependent, and incredibly dysfunctional.  So that’s not exactly healthy either.

Either way, it’s unfair for any of us to say what is or isn’t acceptable for one couple or another.  Decrying that X is right for everyone puts us back into 1950′s America where everything looked the same, sounded the same, and was the same.  It’s the Edward Scissorhands society, and I think we can all agree we don’t want to live there.  What works for the open relationship couple works for them.  Monogamy is only acceptable to my mom and her husband.  Who is any of us to say  which is better or worse.   What is difficult is that when looking for models in society, fictional, or real – there are no examples for which we can compare our own experience.  There are no public examples of non-monogamous couples who make it work, at least mainstream couples.  No fictional examples on television or in books either.  How can we pattern what our relationships should be if there is no path before us?  It leaves us making it up as we go along.

My friend said that this is what our generation is changing most about our society.  We are the “no boundaries” generation, especially when it comes to sex and sexuality.  Perhaps, it’s why we’re so open and affirming of LGBT couples.  The culture war is a boundary war – a massive shift between older generations who grew up being taught “we just don’t do things that way….”  Compared to my generation that is more open to embracing the differences people have or differences people seek.  The uniqueness of the individual.

As I’m dating and meeting more people, sure part of it is about learning more about myself, but ultimately it’s about uncovering what kind of relationship will work best for me.  I’m frustrated that I don’t have that answer readily available.  I know in my head what would be nice to have, but I don’t know how that works in actual practice, nor if its even attainable.  In the end, the biggest fear I have after each date I go on, whether I liked the person or not, is: holy shit… what if this turns out to be “the one” and he or she isn’t capable of meeting my needs.  Does that then me that he or she ISN’T the one?  And does that mean I should always hold out for the perfect person?  If I do that though, might I be waiting forever?  Or does it mean that I’ll end up like guys #1 and #2 stepping out looking to have those needs fulfilled.

I guess – I just want answers and there aren’t any.  There’s so much grey area – 50 shades of grey area – and I’m more comfortable with knowing an absolute definitive answer.