Monthly Archives: October 2012

Having It Both Ways: Return of the Professor

Having It Both Ways: Return of the Professor

Read the original story about The Professor here and the rest of the crazy antics of my dating life at HavingItBothWays.com

Oh the plot thickens!  I got another email from The Professor!  He doesn’t know my real email address, my full name, what I do, who I work for… pretty much any details about my life are kept incredibly secret from the people I date UNTIL I decide whether or not I actually like them so he has no idea this blog even exists. So it wasn’t in response to this blog that he emailed.

It says basically “I still like you” and “I think we could be great friends and lovers or FWBs [friends with benefits.] This is what I was talking about when I said we’d get the others vibe and go from there.”

I replied:

XXXX,  If we had set this up from the beginning for this to be just about sex then I would have handled it differently and you would have been kept at a much further distance.  Now, feelings are involved and I’m not having a fuck buddy that I could develop further feelings for.  I’m up to my neck in random men who message me online and want to use me for sex – what I don’t have is someone that I genuinely care about who wants to be a partner as well.  You’ve made it clear it will never go there.  Why would I waste my time?  Why would I ever put myself in a situation where I might fall for someone that I could never be with?  For sex?  No.  I prefer to get that from a place that ensures more emotional safety.

My question to you, dear readers, is what do we do here?  Clearly, I’m not going to date this guy.  I don’t want to date this guy now.  But should I go out with him just to write something fun about it?  I’ve loved your responses on Facebook by the way.  Particularly the insight that this guy isn’t new.  That there are men all over the Beltway who prey on younger women with exactly this purpose in mind.  That is just WEIRD.

Second part of this is I got a really rude comment from someone on the previous post that I marked as spam because it was rude.  Basically saying that I was a “selfish bitch” because I wanted to do exactly what The Professor has done and screw around and have fun and work on my career.  And some day I’m going to wake up and want to have babies just like he does.  Here’s the thing… that’s not exactly how it works for women.  I mean, clearly this was a man that posted this comment because women know about the whole “child rearing years” thing.  If you don’t pop them out by 40 it gets dangerous.  Actually it starts getting a little dangerous at 35. And if I DID decide that I wanted that – I don’t need to get married or meet and use a man that is 25-35 to do it.  Women, as it turns out… are different… then men are.  We don’t need you.  Sorry if that’s news.  And your age doesn’t matter even if we want you.

I’ll be frank.  I don’t want kids.  I’ve never wanted kids, it’s not who I am.  And people who know me absolutely know and understand that about me.  It isn’t selfish to know yourself and realize that you’re not the right person to have a kid simply to pass on your DNA – THAT is selfish.  I have no problems dating someone who has children from a previous relationship – but I ain’t gonna be poppin out no babies.  Ever.  Why is it selfish to not want to have children and just enjoy your life with your partner and your family and friends and their kids?  That commenter seems to have a pretty traditional understanding of what a woman’s life is for and I’m a little bit more modern than that.  This is what it is to have a choice.  To support family planning.  To view women as more than a vessel for a man’s spawn.  And it turns out that as a person that has a choice (at least I think I still do I haven’t checked the news in a few hours) I have the right to decide what my future looks like.

Having It Both Ways: The Professor

Having It Both Ways: The Professor

To read more about the Having It Both Ways Project click here.

I am so sick of 40 year old men who wake up one day and realize they didn’t have a family.  I feel like they’re everywhere.  Somehow all of these men that I know or that I meet within a certain age group have been having fun, screwing around, sleeping around, building their own careers and suddenly are like…” oh shit!  I want kids!”  And then start acting responsible, and trying to clean up their lives.

This is the point that we’ll enter “The Professor.”  Whose name I wish so very much I could post here and link to.  I met The Professor on an online dating site a while back – we’d talked off and on he wanted to go out.  I wasn’t ready yet (as usual) – then when I was I had to reschedule because a work thing came up and I ended up going to Phoenix for a week.  He got irritated I had to reschedule and that my schedule was so all over the place and I couldn’t say with any certainty from now until the election where I would be or what my availability would be.  So I just shut it down and said, “ya know, right now isn’t a great time to be trying this so lets just chat off and on and when the election is over maybe we can have a drink.”  He said fine.

Then about 3 days later started asking me to set another date again.  I was like… um… what part of “after the election” was unclear?  So we kept talking – email… gchat… pretty sexy flirtation.  I had a break in my schedule so I said – how about X night he says great so we made it a date.

Then he mentions something about himself that I didn’t know and he says “Oh that’s right we didn’t meet on OKCupid” (we met on another site).  And I said no but I’m on OKCupid so you could see my profile if you wanted.  He sends his link I send mine and I start looking through and notice he’s looking for a girl from 25-35 years old.  He’s 40.  So I comment to him and say “oh you like em young, eh?”  And he says something like “well, I want to have a family so I can’t really date in my own age range.”  And right there I was like… woah.  First of all – there are PLENTY of women 35-45 who are ready and eager to settle down and have a family like… NOW.  So, the presumption that those women don’t exist is bullshit.  Secondly, how nice for you that you’ve spent the last 40 years screwing around and focusing on yourself – now you want someone like me to come along who’s just starting out and you want her to start popping out babies for you?  No.  No.

So I say, “Well, I’m not interested in having children.”  And he says “Well maybe this is more like a friends with benefits than a dating thing…. because that’s a deal breaker for me.”  And I’m like – “ok take care… good luck.”  And he proceeds to get pissed with me because I somehow lead him to believe that I would – yet again – enter into a no strings attached relationship with some random dude that could just use me with no emotions involved.  No.  I have that.  I’m up to my neck in men who just want to sleep with me.  From the beginning of our conversations I was very clear that I was looking for something more emotionally intimate than a sexpal.  But I refuse to serve as some selfish asshole’s breed cow as well.  I was very clear that I’m looking for someone to adventure with to travel with to see the world and find new things and experience life with.  This does not include a picket fence, 2.5 kids, and a dog.  I’m not that girl.  I don’t know if I ever will be that girl.

I seriously resent this idea of some dude totally discounting all of these amazing women in his age range who are ready for that life.  Instead he wants some 25 year old who is too insecure to demand her own life.  He’s not looking for someone like me who will say let’s have fun for 5 years as a couple and adventure around the world and then maybe think about family planning.  No, he’s going to want to get married and start popping out babies before he’s 45.  Good luck finding a 25 year old in the Beltway who isn’t ambitious and wants to focus on her career less than having your kids … this town isn’t really the place for that…

And in the end – he’s turned into quite the sarcastic asshole emailing me things like.  “What the fuck?!?!  Well I’m glad you had all this worked out in your head a month ago. It’s a fucking shame you didn’t share.”  I just responded “It’s ok, I can be the adult one here and accept responsibility for starting to like you and think we could have more than that.  All my fault.”  Class act… it’s a wonder he’s still single at 40.  SHOCKED I say … SHOCKED!

BTW this is just one of the many stories I’ve been meaning to write.

READ PART 2: THE RETURN OF THE PROFESSOR

Having It Both Ways: The Man Whisperer

Having It Both Ways: The Man Whisperer

Read more of the Having it Both Ways Project here

For the last several years I’ve somehow become a safe haven for men over 40 who want or need someone to talk to.  For reasons passing in understanding, emotionally damaged or emotionally unavailable men flock to me like married women flock to a Katherine Heigl flick on a Saturday afternoon.  Married men, men in relationships, single men, men suffering from sexual dysfunction, men in full on mid-life crisis mode, men rediscovering themselves, men who have never discovered themselves, men in denial, fully actualized men, horny men, curious men…. they all seem to find me and they instantly want to talk to me as if I hold some great wisdom or understanding about the women-folk.

One of my dear friends called me The Man Whisperer because I can somehow get them to open up and talk about things of which they dare not speak.  As if I’m somehow bilingual – I speak “Woman” and I speak “Man.”  I don’t think any of that is necessarily true.  It isn’t that I understand both women and men so acutely that I can serve as a translator … I think it’s more that I think you’re all crazy and I don’t get any of you people.  (This is why I’m single.)  Yet, still they come… and I listen, and somehow manage to say the right thing or give comfort or inspire action.

The most difficult of these is a gentleman I’ve been speaking to online for over a year.  We met a little before he was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor in his manly bits.  A significant portion had to be removed for a walnut sized tumor that was causing the difficulty – leaving him with what he refers to as a “Frankenweenie” and a response time that leaves a lot to be desired.  But like a good man, his mind is still in the horny place.  Somehow, unfortunately, his mind is the only one.  He’s become a kind of leper in his own house.  His wife won’t come near him, his kids don’t pay attention to him.  A few months ago when we reconnected after not corresponding for a few months, he told me he felt like a house plant that every once in a while they would dust and water.

Another married man friend was hardly getting any sleep and when I asked why he said that he bought himself a video game system he’d been hiding from his spouse and sneaking out to play it at 3am.  He got mad when I told him it was the most depressing thing I’ve ever heard.

I know it’s easy to point to isolated incidents in other people’s lives and say – “There!  That’s fucked up!”  But you have to wonder what would lead someone to these moments in their lives.  I never have the brilliant solution or the convenient how-to guide, all I do is listen and say what I think.  It’s all I can do.  And gather the wisdom that women are just as insane and jacked up as men are.  My advice today, dear reader, regardless of which bits you possess, is to stop being such a pain in the ass to your partner and genuinely get your shit together.  Not necessarily for the sake of your partner, but for the sake of yourself.  Otherwise you might end up reading about your depressed partner on someone’s blog some day.