Yesterday. ThePrairieGay wrote about a guy who wants to marry him and have like, ten thousand of his babies. PG isn’t really in the place right now to do it. While I think his young inexperienced adorable friend is probably misguided, I can see where he’s coming form.
So, I just got out of a relationship with someone I was in love with. Like for real in love. We have talked, he agreed he fucked it up and doesn’t understand what was going on in his head, and realistically isn’t in the place in his life right now where it makes sense for us to get back together. His reasons are completely valid, I absolutely agree with him that there are things of a higher priority and because I love him I want more than anything for him to work out his issues.
Here’s my problem, even though I’m hurt from our break-up, and we’ve had a lot of conversations about where we are and what we feel and our intentions, I can’t stop thinking about him. I see stuff I want to email him. Talk to him about. Gchat him. I wish I could say I was lonely, I wish I could say it was because of sex, but the reality is that all of my needs are being met. I have enough friends, I’ve been sleeping with other people since we broke up. I’m fine. I’m actually pretty good and I feel happy and am enjoying my daily life. But the thing is, I miss him, and I miss us. We were actually really good together.
I hate chick flicks. Sure I’ll watch them and roll my eyes understanding life really isn’t like that and be frustrated that we have a culture that now believes relationships must be like what they see in the movies. I’m really more of a Mr. and Mrs. Smith romance than Maid in Manhattan. And the idea of a graceful dance while we fight for our lives with semiautomatic weapons defending ourselves from would be assassins is more appealing than a rich dude “rescuing” me. I don’t want to be the girl that is rescued – I want to be the girl that is part of a team where we’re constantly saving each other’s asses. Partners.
But there is something to the quote from When Harry Met Sally where Harry says “when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”
So, it’s hard. In part because I get where PG’s little dude is coming from. I want to email my guy and as “So are you in therapy yet? How’s that going?” or “Hey, have you got your shit together yet?” But the reality is, we all learn and grow at our own pace and our own time. I spent the first 2 months of our relationship struggling to get out of a pretty deep depression. And you can’t force that or do it for someone. He may never get his shit together, he may never stabilize his life, and let’s say he does, maybe he won’t love or care about me anymore. So what’s a girl to do? I hear you saying it, dear reader, move on.
Believe me, I want to. It’s easier when things are clear. When he was an asshole who hurt me and dumped me, things were very clear. When he apologizes, regrets it, wants to get his shit together, and recognizes he can’t be what I need right now and doesn’t want to take advantage of me … well, that complicates things. I spent the first two months of our relationship not having my shit together, and now I regret it, because I wasn’t the best version of myself, I really wasn’t even a good version of myself. And the last two months he was the worst version of himself. Would be nice if at some point we could both be our best and be together. Even just for a little while. After all, it’s always nice to have someone to help you face the assassins.
Now that’s romance right there.