Read more about the Having it Both Ways project, just don’t tell anyone…..
So… something happened that took my breath away. It’s been a rough week. First, I ate something that made me sick the other night… but the reality is for the last week I’ve been depressed about 50. Not because it was a great loss, although I do feel a sense of loss, not because I invested a lot of time and energy in him, though I did, but more that I let someone get to me and I’m pissed at myself for being so stupid. While talking with one of my best friends last night I explained where my “trust issues” originated, a story I actually haven’t ever shared with anyone before – not that it’s all that shocking, there are just certain times in your life where major events can impact you more and stay with you forever. I digress… So while talking to her about my trust issues I explained that it makes me want to shut down again. It makes me want to hide and cower in a corner like a feral cat and scratch and claw at anyone who comes near me. I know this is the wrong decision, but knowing what’s right and healthy for us isn’t always what we want. Eat your emotional and psychological vegetables.
But then I got the surprise of my life. I won’t go into great detail, but someone I’ve loved for quite a while that I realistically can’t be with but would like very much to be with… showed up at my apartment to surprise me. It’s difficult to explain the amount of work that went in to making this happen and that I knew nothing about. The email I got at 5pm read: subject line: come home. email text contained a photo of the metro station near my house. My eyes watered. We’d been emailing all week about how angry and depressed I have been. I really needed this. I sprinted from the bar where I was meeting friends for drinks, ran across DuPont circle, leaping over the medians as the “don’t walk” sign flashed at me. I slid through the doors of the train just as they were closing – then ran up the steps of the escalator… My eyes darted around looking but nothing. Breathless, I took big fast steps walking fast up Connecticut Avenue. I heard the voice behind me… and then the comfort and safety of our embrace……. and then…. of course…. the insane amount of making out that commenced in the elevator as we climbed the floors to my apartment.
I’m an expert at unrequited love. I practically have a degree in it. This is reciprocated love. This goes beyond sex, although the sex is always great, it goes beyond trust although we both agree we’ve never trusted anyone more than one and other in our lives, and it goes beyond a mutual understanding that I’m much smarter (though I would argue not smart just more informed because I consume more information)…. there is such a safety I feel when we’re together. I’m not afraid, or worried, or nervous, or anything – for once I can relax and let go. Like when you were little and your grandpa told you to jump and he’d catch you. I know I can jump … and fall softly in a lover’s arms. And while we both know it never lasts long and we can’t be together; when we smile a goofy grin between kisses and talk of our dreams of the life we could have, nothing else anywhere matters.
Much needed surprise. No one has ever done that for me before.