Having It Both Ways: Other people’s morals do not apply to you, even if they think they do

Having It Both Ways: Other people’s morals do not apply to you, even if they think they do

To read more about the Having It Both Ways project – you may go here.

DISCLAIMER:  Maureen Warren called me tonight to ask me that I remove the mention of her comments because I was misrepresenting what she said.  That she is accepting of people in open relationships but would not give me the direct quote to paste here.  She also didn’t understand in the original post that the two men’s relationships were examples of relationships that I DON’T want… and she apparently missed it at the bottom of this post too.  But I clarified that for her.  I did remove the quotes around open relationship, however.  I didn’t mean to say that was a quote more of italicized.


So… wow.  I clearly lit up a firestorm, huh?  In one 24 hour period I had over a thousand hits on yesterdays blog post and 55 comments on Facebook about this … no wait… that’s 56.  Oh now 62.

Maureen Warren who I went to college with called me a bigot for being into open relationships – which is funny because as an out lesbian isn’t she the bigot for not being accepting of someone elses sexuality?  Maureen has been in a relationship with her partner since we were in college – what does she call people who say she is wrong for being with another woman?

Jesse Lava and his whole family posted comments saying that I was basically wrong and evil and at fault for other people not having their relationship shit together.  Ultimately he was so seemingly angry and judgmental he felt the need to align me to Goldman Sachs who of course stole all that money from people.

Crystal Pasilliao – who I don’t know at all – posted a link to a Dear Prudie column saying “My only relationships are with married men”  I replied to her to let her know I don’t have relationships with married men – I have sex with them… and there in lies what people seem to be more traditional and old fashioned about.  Sex doesn’t mean love.  Sex doesn’t mean a relationship.

MOST people who were complaining about the piece neglected to see past the “encounters” I’ve had with married men and instead get to the underlying point of the post.  The post was not about whether or not lying or affairs were or should be acceptable – that’s not for me to decide how someone else lives their life and nor is it for YOU, dear reader, to decide either.  Your life and your relationship is your business, not mine, not Maureen Warren, and not Jesse Lava.  Their relationships are their business and I would never presume to place my expectations on them.

In the end…….. Other people’s morals do not apply to you, even if they think they do.

What the post was ACTUALLY about – if you’d go back and read it – if you’re not too blinded by my wild and crazy ways – is that there are people in relationships that don’t get what they need.  Such that they step out to get those needs met.  I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIKE THAT.  Let me say that again … I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIKE THAT.  But that means that I need to figure out what I am willing to compromise on.  What I am willing to compromise on NOW may not be what I’m willing to compromise on 10, 20, or 30 years from now.   If I can get the political and emotional connectivity from friends and colleagues does that mean that I only need a partner for a relatively decent relationship and happy times?

This is the underlying question that few managed to answer.  The 3 things I need – deep soulful connection, political engagement on my side of the isle, and really good sex life.   Again – the headline of the previous piece asks… what happens if I fall in love.  Thus – what do I do if I’ve got 2 of the 3 and I know I won’t have that 3rd that I require?  How do I navigate that?  That’s when the questions of “open relationships” begin to enter into the conversation….

6 Responses »

  1. Pingback: » Having It Both Ways: Fear sets in – What if I fall in love? Sarah Burris

  2. The 3 things I need – deep soulful connection, political engagement on my side of the isle, and really good sex life.

    – I’d add, genuine friendship, ability to care for each other (Meals, health, household chores), economic support.

    My partner has been sick lately and i’ve been having to play vet, it’s just part of the gig.

  3. I have some insight to offer here about sex versus love.

    I long ago came to the conclusion that sex does not equal love. But for many women of my personal acquaintance, they are the same. From my perceptions of attitudes online, the Masculine viewpoint seems to be that sex and love are, or can be, independent. The Feminine viewpoint seems to be that they are generally equivalent, or that love is an absolute prerequisite for sex.

    That doesn’t mean that the viewpoints will be exclusive to their genders – obviously a man could have a feminine viewpoint or a woman a masculine one, but generally that seems to be the way they line up in the aggregate opinion.

  4. Sarah you are misquoting me. Either change it to what I actually said or at the very least remove the link to my professional webpage. That is slander and I will not tolerate it. I’m giving you 24 hours to change it.

    • I asked Maureen for her direct quote and she wouldn’t send it to me so I could include it here. I couldn’t remember her direct quote so I posted my comments as I remembered them. Since she is unwilling to post her direct comment and facebook has removed it for “harassment/bullying” claims made by me we’re sort of at an impasse

  5. Pingback: » Having it Both Ways: America’s Favorite Past Time – Sex and Judgment Sarah Burris

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