Tag Archives: 50 shades of grey

50 Shades of Grey Movie Poster is out!

50 Shades of Grey Movie Poster is out!

50 shades of grey movie poster

Universal Pictures has unveiled the first bit of promotional material for the film “Fifty Shades of Grey” last Friday: a poster that begins “the yearlong countdown to Valentine’s Day 2015 when the film arrives in theaters.”  Heh… they said firm.

Shockingly, the poster doesn’t give a lot of information, instead encouraging kinky lovers everywhere that a screenwriter has worked diligently to help rewrite the book in a way that is more digestible for those above a third grade reading level (Sorry Oklahoma).

If you live near one of five fancy urban street corners where the poster will be displayed, you can beg Christian Grey to tie you up yourself! Those intersections are in New York (Grand Street & 6th Ave.), Los Angeles (Wilshire Blvd. & Gayley), Chicago (LaSalle & Hubbard), San Francisco (Mission Street & 6th) and Seattle (1st & Wall Street).

Where there is a flame Someone’s bound to get burned

Where there is a flame Someone’s bound to get burned

 

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone’s bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn’t mean you’re gonna die
You’ve gotta get up and try try try

You deserve to be in a situation where you don’t have to compartmentalize who you are. Where you can be valued for every part from flaws to fetishes and everything in between. You deserve to have it all at least once in your life.

We never know when it’s all going to be over. When the bus turns suddenly not seeing the biker or the ex boyfriend turns violent or the black ice sends us into oncoming traffic. It has happened over and over in my life and one thing I’ve learned is that regardless of who is holding our hand, we all walk through the emergency exit of life alone, with only our memories, our joys, our love for others, and our knowledge, adventures and experiences to accompany us. You deserve to have the chance to have everything you’ve always desired at some point before the end. We all do. And providing you with a small piece of it provides me with a small piece too.

I don’t want it to end. Despite my poor behavior and harsh words, I value you too much to let go when I’ve only just discovered you. But if you say no, I can understand and respect that. If you want to take some time, I will give you space.

With great affection, and hope for a new beginning.

Having It Both Ways: Breathless

Having It Both Ways: Breathless

washington dc kissingRead more about the Having it Both Ways project, just don’t tell anyone…..

So… something happened that took my breath away.  It’s been a rough week. First, I ate something that made me sick the other night… but the reality is for the last week I’ve been depressed about 50.  Not because it was a great loss, although I do feel a sense of loss, not because I invested a lot of time and energy in him, though I did, but more that I let someone get to me and I’m pissed at myself for being so stupid.  While talking with one of my best friends last night I explained where my “trust issues” originated, a story I actually haven’t ever shared with anyone before – not that it’s all that shocking, there are just certain times in your life where major events can impact you more and stay with you forever.  I digress…  So while talking to her about my trust issues I explained that it makes me want to shut down again.  It makes me want to hide and cower in a corner like a feral cat and scratch and claw at anyone who comes near me.  I know this is the wrong decision, but knowing what’s right and healthy for us isn’t always what we want.  Eat your emotional and psychological vegetables.

But then I got the surprise of my life.  I won’t go into great detail, but someone I’ve loved for quite a while that I realistically can’t be with but would like very much to be with… showed up at my apartment to surprise me.  It’s difficult to explain the amount of work that went in to making this happen and that I knew nothing about.  The email I got at 5pm read:  subject line:  come home.  email text contained a photo of the metro station near my house.  My eyes watered.  We’d been emailing all week about how angry and depressed I have been.  I really needed this.  I sprinted from the bar where I was meeting friends for drinks, ran across DuPont circle, leaping over the medians as the “don’t walk” sign flashed at me.  I slid through the doors of the train just as they were closing – then ran up the steps of the escalator… My eyes darted around looking but nothing.  Breathless, I took big fast steps walking fast up Connecticut Avenue.  I heard the voice behind me… and then the comfort and safety of our embrace……. and then…. of course…. the insane amount of making out that commenced in the elevator as we climbed the floors to my apartment.

I’m an expert at unrequited love.  I practically have a degree in it.  This is reciprocated love.  This goes beyond sex, although the sex is always great, it goes beyond trust although we both agree we’ve never trusted anyone more than one and other in our lives, and it goes beyond a mutual understanding that I’m much smarter (though I would argue not smart just more informed because I consume more information)…. there is such a safety I feel when we’re together.  I’m not afraid, or worried, or nervous, or anything – for once I can relax and let go.  Like when you were little and your grandpa told you to jump and he’d catch you.  I know I can jump … and fall softly in a lover’s arms.  And while we both know it never lasts long and we can’t be together; when we smile a goofy grin between kisses and talk of our dreams of the life we could have, nothing else anywhere matters.

Much needed surprise.  No one has ever done that for me before.

Having It Both Ways: Murder will mess you up

Having It Both Ways: Murder will mess you up

Read more about the Having It Both Ways project here.

When someone you love gets murdered it fucks you up.  It’s more than 4 years later and quite honestly I’ve never dealt with my friend’s death, despite the fact that I think about it several times a week and I feel guilty I haven’t done enough with her foundation…

I never talk about her – most of my friends didn’t know about her until I did the blog post about emotional manipulation being a form of abuse and some of my closest friends told me they never knew.  I don’t talk about it beyond the “cause” element of it – which is just a way that I can put it in a nice non-profit box and pretend like it’s about someone else and not my friend.

But, the reality is that when my friend Jana was murdered it changed the way I view everything in my world.  I use to be so full of ambition and professional drive.  I use to want to be a big deal and had an ego that needed to be stroked.  I wanted my picture taken with famous politicians – and believe me… I have a ton of them… I wanted money and power and control and all of the things that most people in politics want.  When Jana was killed I realized none of those things will ever make me happy.  It doesn’t matter anymore.  In fact nothing does.  I use to want a convertible because I thought I would look cuter with big round sunglasses and the top down.  But the reality is that it isn’t the convertible I want – its the feeling of freedom I wanted… the wind in my hair and the sun on my face and that you feel like you’re going faster because the wind is swooshing past.  I just wanted the feeling of freedom.

For the past several years since Jana I’ve been floundering around asking myself over and over again “what the hell am I doing?”  Like I’m having a midlife crisis.  The only thing that matters to me anymore are people.  Not Bertha the big fancy TV that lives in my living room or my very nice Italian leather sofa… not having the best shoes or the nicest dress, not having the best job, not power, not recognition, not control…. nothing.  Just friends, experiences, fun, and happiness.  And its made me really really resistant to let new people into my life.  Already I had trust issues – already I didn’t let people close enough… now I’m even worse than I was before.

At the same time my normally cautious candyass ways have turned into a thrill seeking world.  I’ll jump out or off of anything, I’ll climb up anything, I’ll do anything once, twice if you’re lucky, and I crave adventure.  Grabbing life by the testies, eat sleep and be merry for tomorrow we may die….. because tomorrow we may…. we really might just…. because it happened to her.

I mention this because I split with another man friend this week.  It’s been a long time coming, but 50 has been so distant and non-responsive that I’m starting to feel like he was just going to use me without being a friend.  The thing about being a friend with benefits is you can trust your friend… its a friend… a buddy you have an honest relationship with.  Only… seems good old 50 just wanted to screw with no buddy.  I have trust issues… no friend… no benefits…. For the first few months it was all buddy… after that… nothin’.  So I didn’t respond to his latest email… and I’m not gonna.

When I think about him it’s so frustrating because… of all people who is wasting his life after not getting what he needed after years and years of being everything for everyone, it’s him.  You’d think at some point he’d wake up and go “shit… I’m getting on in years… I don’t have much more time I can’t do this, I really need to figure out what I want to get out of life before the clock runs out!”  I’m not talking about him doing this with me here – just … anyone or alone… anything.

I feel sad for him, everyone deserves to be happy, to do what they’ve always wanted to do before the die, or be able to have an opportunity to get what they’ve always wanted… within reason of course.  A chance to achieve their dream.  Who knows, maybe he’s already achieved his.  Maybe it was an occupational thing or raising his son… who knows.  I think it’s the Humanist nature of me to wish that everyone have a shot at happiness and being able to have what they’ve always wanted.  I wrote about him last week – I think he’s lying to himself about a lot – but I wish he could be happy and have all that he’s ever wanted.  I just have no hope that he’s reached a point where the experience that changes you into being an life grabbing adventurer. And he might not ever reach it.  I don’t know that everyone does – not that I recommend it because… it’s clearly fucked me up far more than I was before.

The worst part about 50 is that for a few months he was my buddy and I was stupid enough to trust I was his.  When the reality is of course I wasn’t…. of course… I wasn’t.  Whole thing just makes me feel like a trusting fool who was duped.

Having It Both Ways: Patrick Stewart’s Bootycall

Having It Both Ways: Patrick Stewart’s Bootycall

decent manRead more about the Having it Both Ways project here.

It all started about a month ago when I responded to a lovely woman who was looking for someone exactly like me.  She talked about an existing relationship she is in with a guy who fully supports her interest in the ladies and would be eager to have the three of us get to know each other.  So she forwarded me his information and we struck up a conversation about our history and interests.  I quickly learned that she in fact is not in a relationship with this guy, who… looks like a younger skinner version of Patrick Stewart, but instead she’s basically just his booty call.  Not to mention he has her come in and clean his house a few times a week.  So, she’s his booty call and his maid.  True story.  And now she’s being tasked with finding him essentially another fuck buddy under the guise of something else.

It gets worse.  After about a week of conversation with “Patrick Stewart” he wants specifics about what I look like. He’s seeking a “fit” girl.  My response – well I go to the gym a few times a week and in the last year I’ve lost about 40lbs with 20-30 more that I’d like to lose.  “You would have to go to the gym more.  I require someone who is fit” he says.  Ok – don’t let the door hit ya on the way out!  I could see a nice pathway to emotional manipulation with a guy who would constantly pressure me to be something I’m not and be constantly failing or falling behind.  I deal with that enough to myself – and I actually love myself!

So here’s my lesson to all you women out there, especially to those of you who have hips and breasts, for the love of god, don’t let anyone ever tell you there’s something wrong with you if you’re not X or not Y.  And if you decide to make a serious investment in losing 40lbs don’t do it because some ass cactus said you needed to.  Do it for yourself.

Interestingly, I also included 50 in on the conversations and when the final blow was dealt I turned to him for reassurance.  Fifty’s response “Well The the thing about [Patrick Stewart] is he sounds like a tool.  That woman who posted is at his beckon call to cleaning and sexual service for him.  They both sound pretty lame after talking to her a little.”  When I told Sophia about it she was flabbergasted and said she shuts that down right away.  Thank goodness the people I DO have in my life are rational.  I also told Sophia at this point some of what I feel like I’m doing is find the freak show.  That so many of these people are like that PT Barnam freak show that I find so fascinating that I keep coming back for more as if I need a closer look and only then I can figure it out or understand better.  And sometimes even after a second look… no, it’s still just weird – and certainly not my thing.

Having it Both Ways: Still no Schtooping

Having it Both Ways: Still no Schtooping

If you want to read more about my dirty little secrets you can subscribe to me on Facebook and see lots of photos of my food porn brunches and cappuccino.

There’s something to be said for being able to let go.  This has long been a skill I’ve struggled to master.  In every aspect of my life.  Let go of people, let go of love, let go of feelings, emotions, struggles, fears, pretty much anything.  Somehow if I hold onto it I have control.  I’m a control freak, a lazy one, but a control freak nonetheless.  I think this what appeals to me about my bizarre adventures with my very own 50 Shades of Grey.  I not only have zero control, but he forces me to let go.  And for some unclear reason I can with him.

There’s a comfort in not being in a relationship with someone.  I don’t have to worry about impressing him or her because we have no future together.  I don’t have to always be perfect or brilliant or funny or really try at all.  I can just be me.  I can let go.  The force and strength holding back any vulnerability is suddenly a relaxing sigh of relief.

My hands were shaking again when he came over for a surprise visit Friday evening.  After the intense weekend of dating and a full week out nearly every night with friends for DC’s Restaurant Week, I needed some time to myself.  I needed some time to do laundry and dust things.  I didn’t anticipate spending the evening being dusted by the large hands of Mr. 50 Shades.

He emailed me while I was at the grocery store looking for dinner.  “And how are we this evening?” he asked.  “I’m good, just leaving the store with dinner and juice, you?” I replied.  “Be ready at 9,” he responded.  The last time we’d really spoken was Thursday of the previous week when he stopped by for half an hour.  I feared it only took him a few minutes to discover I wasn’t what he wanted and bailed.  We hardly talked all week.  I moped around the grocery store looking for a bottle of wine after what I felt was a rejection from my new special friend.  Now I was racing home,  hurriedly threw paperwork back in my laptop bag, picked up laundry, changed out of my gym cloths.

Saturday morning I texted a friend “Still no schtooping.” She replied, “OMG you’re such a prude just give it up!”

 

Having It Both Ways: I know what you did last weekend

Having It Both Ways: I know what you did last weekend

RIP our dateAre you reading my Having It Both Ways series?  Does your mother know?  You’re so naughty!

So let me just tell you about the highlights of the dates I had this weekend.  First, last night was amazing.  Mixology set me up with a lovely young woman who graduated from University of Tulsa.  She’s from Texas – but absolutely loves Oklahoma and wants so much to move back there.  She loves the former Mayor, loves the environment, the cute shops everywhere…. All around loves Tulsa.  I mean… how do you not, right?

She was outgoing, expressive, open.  I didn’t feel uncomfortable telling her about the blog and how I’d never really asked myself about these relationship questions before and never really thought much about it.  So, we talked about those topics.  At one point she got up to go to the ladies room and I did a status update on Facebook because sometimes y’all seem to like it when I update you on the status of the date…. and just said – OMG this is the greatest date ever!  So she comes back to the table and we exchange information including Facebook and I say “Um.. so… here’s the thing… I just did a status update saying it was an awesome date and you’re amazing” and she laughs and is like “I’m friending you RIGHT NOW” and then of course she comments on it.  So I introduced everyone to her.  Brett Banditelli joked we broke the 4th wall of the Internet.  Either way – it was a great evening and I really hope there are more.

On the other spectrum of the dating world was Geek Dude.  Which, honestly I was most excited about (at the time).  We met on OKCupid, we’d been talking all week via email and gchat, things were spicing up and getting hot.  So we met for lunch, and everything was going well.  He said a few weird things -  insults wrapped in compliments that were annoying.  He listened to my radio thing on Friday night and said something about how I was saying “like” and “um” too much… which I tend to do anyway but I’m sure it’s worse at 1am… So he was talking about how other people find that annoying but he thought it was cute.  I brushed it off.  There was some conversation about how the GOP is being obstructionist in the Senate and he made a comment about how Democrats were too which is why nothing has happened in the Senate since 2004.  Then wouldn’t have any further discussion about it because I disagreed but then later wanted to make sure I knew he wasn’t having the conversation because he didn’t want us to have a disagreement on the first date.

Things escalated when we left the restaurant and walked around the mall.  We sat on the top floor on a bench overlooking the food court.  His arm was around me and he was stroking my hair and my shoulder.  He leaned in to kiss me several times.  It was nice.  I liked him, I was seriously into it and everything was great.  I felt a little uncomfortable because it was in public, and I’m not generally open about public displays of affection like that, but I chalked it up to my lack of experience.  But in times like that, the fact is it felt great and I was just going with it.  He walked me to the train, kissed me goodbye.

I was exhausted after being up until about 2:30am for the radio show and got up at 8 to get ready for the date, so I went home and literally crashed until a few minutes before I was supposed to meet other friends for dinner and a movie.  Didn’t get home until about 11:30pm that evening and fell asleep in my jeans and tshirt I was so tired.  The next morning I woke up to an email from Geek Dude that made me a little uncomfortable and it started to feel like things were going to fast.  The expectation was that we would sleep together the next weekend.  I just wasn’t there yet.  It was fun, it was good, I enjoyed it, but this was too soon and for me, trust has to be built before I’m ready to go there.

I emailed him back and told him how I felt and he got angry and sarcastic.  I emailed back trying to make it clear that I had a great time, I was absolutely attracted to him but that I’m not really one to just jump in bed with someone.  At one point in the exchange he commented that he doesn’t have a hard time getting girls to sleep with him.  Not the right thing to say.  I’m sure he doesn’t – and if I walked into a bar in a cute dress and flirted with some random dude… I could go home with someone too.  Thing is… I don’t do that because that’s not who I am.  The fact that someone is comfortable having random sex with someone else so quickly doesn’t bother me, but it also doesn’t impress me, and it certainly doesn’t make me feel compelled to give it up to two weeks after knowing the person.

He continued to get more and more sarcastic and more insults wrapped in compliments appeared.  The final one I read as I was waiting for the train to head home from my Sunday date.  It was after several exchanges of me trying to explain my feelings and that I wasn’t blaming him for doing anything wrong – it was just that I felt we weren’t there yet.  He responded out of the blue with “Yes, I’m having a good weekend.  Thanks for asking.  It did take me 4 hours to drive home due to traffic but it was worth it.”

This was just too many red flags too fast.  I ended up replying “Thank you so so much for the great date on Saturday I really appreciate it and I had a great time. I wish you the best in the future, but this isn’t going to work. I appreciate the enthusiasm though.”  By the time I got home he’d unfriended me on all of the social media sites he’d friended me on and unfollowed me on twitter.

I had described what happened to Sprinkles Dude who told me after the first email to cut him loose.  But I ended up emailing 50 to ask him if I was wrong and this was perhaps the personality that comes out of typical dominant males.  50 agreed I did the right thing too.  At least I have men in my life I can trust who are looking out for me.

The whole thing was very confusing.  I felt really bad, because I did absolutely lead him to believe I enjoyed it and I was comfortable.  But being comfortable with someone kissing you and touching you and wanting to see them again is different than being comfortable enough to have sex with them – especially invite them to your apartment to spend an extended period of time having sex and other things.  I’ve said it before – I just can’t trust someone that fast.

Having It Both Ways: Let’s Talk about Sex

Having It Both Ways: Let’s Talk about Sex

Let's Talk about SEXCheck out more from the Having It Both Ways Project.

The presumption seems to be that because I write and talk about sex a lot, I am also having sex a lot.  Boy do I wish that were true.  The reality is a bit more pathetic.  Married people have more sex than I do.  Priests probably have more sex than I do.

The freedom that comes from finally figuring out who you are and what you want is a liberation that somehow makes you want to start having conversations about those very topics and asking questions to your much more experienced friends.  I ask … because I don’t know.  I talk about it because my experience is lacking.

But despite my confidence in talking about sexuality, relationships, and dating, my actual comfort in a free-love type of world…. well …… I’m still not exactly the free love type of person that many of my friends seem to be.  I’ve never had a one night stand.  I’ve never picked someone up in a bar and taken them home or gone back to his or her place.  I’ve never had sex on a first date… second date… or third date for that matter. And until today, never been kissed on a first date.

It took me two years before I was comfortable with the idea of sleeping with Dude 3 and six more months before I fell for him.  It took me a month before I trusted 50 to even stop by my apartment.  My hands were shaking so much, and we didn’t even do the deed.

Sex doesn’t have to equal love, so I’m not holding out for my heart to flutter the perfect way or angels to sing.  Sex can be fun, relaxing, it can be stress relief, and too it can be a physical expression of the love you have for someone else.  For me, sometimes, the things I do with the guy back home just helps me clear my head.  Like a mental and emotional reset button that helps me stop being so intense and uptight.  And any of you who know me well know that I can be pretty intense and uptight – despite my sexual liberation.

The truth is, while I admire those who are so free and able to express their sexuality with folks they’ve just met, I’m still very slow to trust anyone, whether they’re friends or sexual partners.  That’s slowly getting better, thanks to Dude 3‘s influence challenging me and pushing me for the 6 months we were getting closer.  But I still have to remind myself not to revert back to the fearful yet eager person I’ve spent most of my life being.

Having It Both Ways: 50 Shades of Grey Stops In for a Visit

Having It Both Ways: 50 Shades of Grey Stops In for a Visit

To learn more about the Having It Both Ways project click here.

For about a month I’ve been having a lot of online discussion with an older gentleman who has managed to inspire my intellectual, spontaneous, and adventurous side.  He’s simply delicious.  After a week of conversation we made a coffee date one morning before work so I could ask all the questions you ask when you meet someone on the internet.  The next week we tried to connect again.  The anticipation and my excitement spiked as the date of the “stop by” was approaching.  The night before… he canceled.  I was furious.  All that build up… and nothing.

A week later – there was another window of opportunity.  The Saturday before we ended up having an interesting and awkward conversation where he expressed his concerns about me.  He wanted to maintain an emotional distance.  “I’m not looking for a girlfriend or a best friend…” he said.  His comments were pretty intense.  “Look,” I told him.  “You’ve got to relax.”  There’s no need for any big drama or so much intensity.  I don’t mean to come off as being needy, I’m just eager.  It’s like having the keys to a brand new bright red convertible Ferrari …. but the garage door won’t open.  I want to drive it and I want to drive it as fast as it’ll go.

The other part of this is that relationships like this require a lot of trust and it requires you to actually care about the person you’re with.  This isn’t some random hook-up from someone in a bar, there’s a lot of intensity, it’s just the nature of the situation.  I’m not so good with trust.  So, things like this are hard for me and it takes a lot of work, and if he’s just another selfish asshole… well… I’ve been there… done that… and I don’t want people like that in my life.  He responded that he isn’t a selfish womanizer and didn’t mean for me to get the wrong impression.

“I also come from a generation that is so free with sex and sexuality,” I wrote him.  “Most of my good friends – close friends – I’ve fooled around with in some way – except the gay men of course.  We kiss on the mouth we flirt we’re affectionate… we’re just that way…  I’m just really open about the varieties of relationships you can have with people.  Sex doesn’t mean being in love nor does it have to mean love.  Boundaries are good.  But you have to care about the person otherwise you’re just using them.”

I guess that was the reassurance he needed.  He thanked me for clarifying and having the dialogue.  I think he was in a previous thing that was similar to ours and maybe she fell in love and it ended badly.  He helped her through a tough time and she’s in a relationship with another guy now.  Who knows..

We had plans to meet up again – and he lost that window again.  I rolled my eyes and said I understood – annoyed again but tried to be patient, rationalizing in my mind that this may just end up being an internet relationship.  I’m fine with that, those can be great, but knowing that’s what it is up front is important to manage expectations.

Then I got a surprise email saying he had errands to run and wanted to know if he could stop by to say hello.  No random hook-up or anything crazy, he just wanted to see me for a few minutes.  My adrenalin spiked.  I emailed my friend who lives downstairs, “He’s coming over, if I don’t email back by 8:30 – I might be dead….”  I won’t give details but it was great and I survived.  He was a true gentleman.  Hopefully this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship and I can get him to lighten up and relax a little.  There’s no reason for a level of level of emotional intensity that isn’t the hot sexy kind of intensity.  This is meant to be fun while I’m on my search for real love that is more long lasting.  I have hope 50 and I will get there and I’ll have more exciting stories to tell.