Tag Archives: dating

Gay on the Plains: No, I Don’t Want to Marry You

Gay on the Plains: No, I Don’t Want to Marry You

Breaking Hearts in the Heartland

road map

Meandering Paths

We are all on our own journeys, dear reader. We each have our own destination, we each have our own pace, and we’re all just doing our best to keep moving forward. We’re not all barreling along the interstate on a straight line at 80 mph. Instead its more like a meandering web of paths, like the winding, cobbled streets of an ancient European village. The good news is that those paths intersect with one another constantly. The bad news is that those intersections frequently occur at the most inconvenient times.

I mentioned before that I am entering a period of introspection and reflection. I’m working on figuring out what my priorities are for the next few years, and where I want to be. I’ve also mentioned that I am enjoying casual dating. I don’t believe that these two things are totally incongruous, however I’ve discovered that it puts my path on a collision course with a few others.

I recently started an online conversation with a gentleman who lives in a very small town, about an hour from where I live. We hit it off early on and have chatted and texted regularly since. I have been totally up front about where I am in life, and my current aversion to beginning an ongoing romantic relationship with anyone. He has said that he totally relates, because he too is taking some time to work on himself.

And then he’ll ask, “So… how long do you think you’re going to take to work on you before you start thinking about settling down?” Which immediately sets off alarm bells in my head.


Hunting for a husbear!

I’ll respond, “I really don’t know, but I don’t think that should be important right now. I’m enjoying making new friends, yourself among them. Lets not get ahead of ourselves!”

“No no, I wasn’t! I was just wondering, you know. …So… friends? Plural? Like… how many guys are you talking to? Did you meet them all on Grindr?”


Twice now I’ve had to seriously remind this gentleman that even though he’s great and I’m absolutely enjoying getting to know him, this just isn’t going to go anywhere serious anytime soon. And twice now he’s responded that I’m getting it all wrong, and he’s not at all looking for a relationship, and he just wants to be my friend and keep texting. Constantly texting. And getting just a tiny bit annoyed when time isn’t made for him. We haven’t ever even met in person!

And so, dear reader, I come to you for advice. Can a PrairieGay like me explore casual dating in an upfront and honest way without inadvertently pulling in husband hunters, and inevitably disappointing and frustrating them? Am I treading into ethical waters that bear a closer examination before I proceed further? I’d be very interested in hearing your thoughts in the comments.

Having It Both Ways: Will you blow in my…

Having It Both Ways: Will you blow in my…

a drunk date is a bad dateRead more about the having it both ways project here.  And feel free to submit your anonymous dating nightmares by submitting them on my tumblr here.

Since I started this blog I have all of these friends and acquaintances heck even colleagues who come up to me wanting to tell me their insane dating stories.  And let me tell you… these are doozies.  Let me start out with one of my most recent favorites.

A middle aged single woman was approached by a friend and colleague about setting her up with someone that worked with her husband.  Hilarious guy, real life of the party, fun, engaging, hardworking, someone everyone at the company liked who just couldn’t seem to find the right person.  So the woman agrees to it and sets up a date, time, place, to meet the guy for drinks and dinner after work.

She arrives at the restaurant and discovers that he’s been there a few minutes and already had a few drinks waiting.  They start talking and getting to know each other.  Turns out they’re right, the guy is hilarious, but primarily because he’s a drunk!  The dude proceeds to get completely wasted while on the date.  The woman is sitting there shaking her head trying to figure out if the whole thing is a practical joke.

Finally, its over and they’re both leaving.  She’s parked near the door and goes for the car but the guy says that his car is far out in the parking lot and asks if she would mind driving him over.  Reluctantly, she says yes.  Takes him over to the car.  Before he gets out he turns to her and asks, “So.. can I ask you a favor?  Would you mind blowing in my….” and at that point the woman says her mind is racing as to what this guy wants her to blow in.  He uses some technical term about an “ignition interrupter.”  She says confused, “Excuse me?”  He explains that he’s had several DUI’s and has what is basically a breathalyzer on his car that won’t allow it to start if he’s had something to drink.  “I mean, I’ve had a lot to drink tonight, so it’s not going to start, but you haven’t so maybe if you blow in it for me….”  The woman tells him not in a million years.  But offers to call him a cab or take him back over to the restaurant so he could make arrangements for someone to come get him.

She goes to work the next day and calls the friend asking – what on EARTH she was thinking, and it turns out the friend and her husband had NO idea that the guy was a drunk or apparently that he’d had several DUI’s.  I guess this is just proof that no matter how well you think you know someone… you may not ever really KNOW them….

Having It Both Ways: Patrick Stewart’s Bootycall

Having It Both Ways: Patrick Stewart’s Bootycall

decent manRead more about the Having it Both Ways project here.

It all started about a month ago when I responded to a lovely woman who was looking for someone exactly like me.  She talked about an existing relationship she is in with a guy who fully supports her interest in the ladies and would be eager to have the three of us get to know each other.  So she forwarded me his information and we struck up a conversation about our history and interests.  I quickly learned that she in fact is not in a relationship with this guy, who… looks like a younger skinner version of Patrick Stewart, but instead she’s basically just his booty call.  Not to mention he has her come in and clean his house a few times a week.  So, she’s his booty call and his maid.  True story.  And now she’s being tasked with finding him essentially another fuck buddy under the guise of something else.

It gets worse.  After about a week of conversation with “Patrick Stewart” he wants specifics about what I look like. He’s seeking a “fit” girl.  My response – well I go to the gym a few times a week and in the last year I’ve lost about 40lbs with 20-30 more that I’d like to lose.  “You would have to go to the gym more.  I require someone who is fit” he says.  Ok – don’t let the door hit ya on the way out!  I could see a nice pathway to emotional manipulation with a guy who would constantly pressure me to be something I’m not and be constantly failing or falling behind.  I deal with that enough to myself – and I actually love myself!

So here’s my lesson to all you women out there, especially to those of you who have hips and breasts, for the love of god, don’t let anyone ever tell you there’s something wrong with you if you’re not X or not Y.  And if you decide to make a serious investment in losing 40lbs don’t do it because some ass cactus said you needed to.  Do it for yourself.

Interestingly, I also included 50 in on the conversations and when the final blow was dealt I turned to him for reassurance.  Fifty’s response “Well The the thing about [Patrick Stewart] is he sounds like a tool.  That woman who posted is at his beckon call to cleaning and sexual service for him.  They both sound pretty lame after talking to her a little.”  When I told Sophia about it she was flabbergasted and said she shuts that down right away.  Thank goodness the people I DO have in my life are rational.  I also told Sophia at this point some of what I feel like I’m doing is find the freak show.  That so many of these people are like that PT Barnam freak show that I find so fascinating that I keep coming back for more as if I need a closer look and only then I can figure it out or understand better.  And sometimes even after a second look… no, it’s still just weird – and certainly not my thing.

Having It Both Ways: The Professor

Having It Both Ways: The Professor

To read more about the Having It Both Ways Project click here.

I am so sick of 40 year old men who wake up one day and realize they didn’t have a family.  I feel like they’re everywhere.  Somehow all of these men that I know or that I meet within a certain age group have been having fun, screwing around, sleeping around, building their own careers and suddenly are like…” oh shit!  I want kids!”  And then start acting responsible, and trying to clean up their lives.

This is the point that we’ll enter “The Professor.”  Whose name I wish so very much I could post here and link to.  I met The Professor on an online dating site a while back – we’d talked off and on he wanted to go out.  I wasn’t ready yet (as usual) – then when I was I had to reschedule because a work thing came up and I ended up going to Phoenix for a week.  He got irritated I had to reschedule and that my schedule was so all over the place and I couldn’t say with any certainty from now until the election where I would be or what my availability would be.  So I just shut it down and said, “ya know, right now isn’t a great time to be trying this so lets just chat off and on and when the election is over maybe we can have a drink.”  He said fine.

Then about 3 days later started asking me to set another date again.  I was like… um… what part of “after the election” was unclear?  So we kept talking – email… gchat… pretty sexy flirtation.  I had a break in my schedule so I said – how about X night he says great so we made it a date.

Then he mentions something about himself that I didn’t know and he says “Oh that’s right we didn’t meet on OKCupid” (we met on another site).  And I said no but I’m on OKCupid so you could see my profile if you wanted.  He sends his link I send mine and I start looking through and notice he’s looking for a girl from 25-35 years old.  He’s 40.  So I comment to him and say “oh you like em young, eh?”  And he says something like “well, I want to have a family so I can’t really date in my own age range.”  And right there I was like… woah.  First of all – there are PLENTY of women 35-45 who are ready and eager to settle down and have a family like… NOW.  So, the presumption that those women don’t exist is bullshit.  Secondly, how nice for you that you’ve spent the last 40 years screwing around and focusing on yourself – now you want someone like me to come along who’s just starting out and you want her to start popping out babies for you?  No.  No.

So I say, “Well, I’m not interested in having children.”  And he says “Well maybe this is more like a friends with benefits than a dating thing…. because that’s a deal breaker for me.”  And I’m like – “ok take care… good luck.”  And he proceeds to get pissed with me because I somehow lead him to believe that I would – yet again – enter into a no strings attached relationship with some random dude that could just use me with no emotions involved.  No.  I have that.  I’m up to my neck in men who just want to sleep with me.  From the beginning of our conversations I was very clear that I was looking for something more emotionally intimate than a sexpal.  But I refuse to serve as some selfish asshole’s breed cow as well.  I was very clear that I’m looking for someone to adventure with to travel with to see the world and find new things and experience life with.  This does not include a picket fence, 2.5 kids, and a dog.  I’m not that girl.  I don’t know if I ever will be that girl.

I seriously resent this idea of some dude totally discounting all of these amazing women in his age range who are ready for that life.  Instead he wants some 25 year old who is too insecure to demand her own life.  He’s not looking for someone like me who will say let’s have fun for 5 years as a couple and adventure around the world and then maybe think about family planning.  No, he’s going to want to get married and start popping out babies before he’s 45.  Good luck finding a 25 year old in the Beltway who isn’t ambitious and wants to focus on her career less than having your kids … this town isn’t really the place for that…

And in the end – he’s turned into quite the sarcastic asshole emailing me things like.  “What the fuck?!?!  Well I’m glad you had all this worked out in your head a month ago. It’s a fucking shame you didn’t share.”  I just responded “It’s ok, I can be the adult one here and accept responsibility for starting to like you and think we could have more than that.  All my fault.”  Class act… it’s a wonder he’s still single at 40.  SHOCKED I say … SHOCKED!

BTW this is just one of the many stories I’ve been meaning to write.


Having It Both Ways: Electoral Dating is Impossible

Having It Both Ways: Electoral Dating is Impossible

Learn more about the Having It Both Ways Project HERE.

Ok – I’m sorry for not writing this earlier.  I went on my date last Saturday, and on the way home I checked my messages and found a glitch in my Monday travel for work… then I literally had the most intense insane week I’ve had since I started working for our org.  It was a really really hard week that required me to be incredibly focused.  I’m not the best at being focused – that’s what makes me really good at what I do.  Because I can do 92 things at once while sitting at my desk.  When you throw in me NOT sitting at my desk and me having to be in several physical locations doing things hands on and personal meetings with folks at the same time as doing my normal 92 things on the internet it requires a lot of Ritlin concentration.  My brain works differently.

So… this week was insane and I didn’t get to write something about the woman who “stood me up” the week previously.  So here’s what happened….

Last week, I showed up at the place – waited – no one showed.  I was pissed.  But… it turns out she never got the email telling her about the date to begin with.  Apparently the dating service was having problems with their email server so she had no idea.  She told me it would have worked too – she walked down the street and got Chinese food alone and watched TV that night.  But she didn’t get the email.  I told her I blogged about it.  HAd fun posting Facebook status updates asking people to vote on acceptable excuses and then read her off a few of them.  She thought you all were VERY funny.

As much as it would have been interesting to have had her be hit by a bus or thrown in jail – turns out she just didn’t know about the date.

We had a good night.  I enjoyed the conversation.  She was not even remotely political but tends to be a very economically conservative democrat or exceedingly liberal republican.  At one point she said to me “I’m a republican” and I didn’t say anything.  She said “Is this date over now?”  And I was like…. um…. uhhhh… NO… um…. my mother’s a republican.  But in my head I was thinking – um yeah – I don’t date people who are so far outside of my ideology otherwise we’d do nothing but argue.  That’s just the nature of me being so obsessed about politics.  It’d be kind of like if you were a professional surfer and trying to date someone who was afraid of the water.  I mean… what do you do with that?  She said she was just “joking” and wanted to see what I would say.

She was 10 years older than me – and had this very protective “are you ok getting home” thing about her.  So I’m curious if she thinks I’m a little young for her.  And … I am, but my youthful bounciness and sometimes idealism will probably live on regardless of my age.  I think it’s just who I am.  She’s a total foodie – loves restaurants and trying new things.  Has lived in DC for 20 years and knows the ins and outs of the lesbian scene in the area and filled me in on all of the clubs and venues and things I should go out and do… if only she knew that I’m more lame than that.  She likes country music.  Wore boots and looked pretty fierce.

I had a good time.  It was a long day and I was exhausted, but I had fun talking to her and getting to know her.  I’d like to see her again but – she didn’t blow me away and I don’t know that I blew her away either.  She’d be fun to go to some of the clubs with – but I don’t know if I’ve had a WOW kind of result quite yet.

I also decided after that date to put my dating service account on hold until after the election.  It’s really just too much right now and trying to navigate my schedule two weeks in advance is impossible.  Plus, I’m going to want to be home live tweeting the debates and I’ll want to be able to hang with friends and talk politics.  My Sunday brunch buddy Jess and I missed what has become our normal Sunday brunch this past week and I haven’t seem my friend who lives downstairs in over a month – and she lives two floors below me….

I have to say, though.  This is the first election for me ever where I’m not the person working the 18 hour days with no days off prior to E-Day.  I salute all of you who are out there doing it again.  I got a nice taste of it while being in Phoenix this week and it was hard to start up that part of my brain again.  I had to crank the starter a little…. I AM still watching and reading and promoting just as much as I always have – but…. I get the weekend off and I’ll have a mimosa at brunch in your honor.

Just letting you know – I’ll probably blog randomly about some stuff but don’t expect a blog about a date I’ve been on until after November.  That said – the emails that I’ve gotten from dudes lately are HILARIOUS and I can’t wait to write about them.. Just a little taste – one guy described to me his previous girl who was very diligent about cleaning his house for him.  True story.  When I was talking to 50 about it he said it was a little odd for the dude to open with that.

Seriously.  More to come on that.

Having it Both Ways: I just got stood up

Having it Both Ways: I just got stood up


Read more about the Having it Both Ways project here.

Tonight was another dating first: I got stood up. I think under normal circumstances if this was someone who asked me out and just forgot or flaked or something happened I’m sure the person would have called… But this was a date through Mixology the dating service I paid $2500 for to find me looooove.

Turns out love is a little hard to come by at 7pm on a Sunday night.

I think I’m coming down with another cold or something – I haven’t felt well all day. But straightened my hair, put on makeup and a nice dress, and spent the over-an-hour to schlep to Virginia to meet her for dinner. Prior to this date, I accidentally got an email that was meant for her. It seems she had questions about my femininity. Was I “fem” enough for her standards. The email told her (but actually me) that I was very feminine, wore a dress to the initial interview, had long hair, yada yada. After having such strict requirements, one would hope I was acceptable enough to call the restaurant to tell them she wasn’t coming.

For most people in this situation, I fear it’s a whole different deal. You’re excited to go out with someone you like – he or she finally made a move… etc. in my case I’m lucky; I don’t even know this person.  It’s a lot less humiliating than sitting here at this table with Clint Eastwood’s Barack Obama for dinner.  So nice for the President to join me.  Being the vulnerable dater who took a chance on someone is a lot more difficult than my inconvenience. But if it does happen to you – it seems the Internet search says wait 15 minutes before calling – leave a message saying you’ve arrived and you’re waiting. At 20 minutes – leave. In my case I went all the way across town …. So I was having dinner out whether she showed up or not. So at the 30 Minute mark I ordered dinner.  Other sites also recommend you email the person something like “I wanted to make sure you were ok…” just in case it turns out they were hit by the crosstown bus you don’t seem vindictive while they are lying in the hospital wondering if they’ll walk again.

But the reality is – if the person doesn’t respect you enough to show up – why give them a second shot if it’s just laziness or their own lack of calendar juggling.  That sets up a whole world of potential disrespect you could face.  Run – don’t walk to the nearest exit….. And buy yourself dessert….

When I informally polled my Facebook friends who allowed for friendly lamenting as I sit here enjoying my Maryland Crab Soup by the fire ….. alone…. They offered some acceptable excuses for being stood up on a first date. They include but are not limited to:

  • Death
  • Prison
  • ER visit for themselves or a friend or family member
  • A severe head wound causing amnesia
  • Their spouse came home unexpectedly
  • I think alien abduction is fair. I am pretty sure aliens are the least considerate people regarding schedules.
  • And many dear readers who agreed that there really are no good excuses.

I tend to be a patient person. Intense – yes.  Demanding – ok.  But, I’m always on time and understanding of those who run a few minutes late.  Especially in this town, where transportation and or parking can impact the timeliness of any potential dinner, date, or coffee companion.

While I’m inclined to give her another shot, it better be for a reason such as health, well being, or accident, because the whole “I forgot” or “I didn’t feel like it” doesn’t work when you’re paying $2500 for a dating service. This isn’t OKCupid – this is the big leagues – you show up on time or you don’t play ball.


Having It Both Ways: Nothin Says Lovin Like Mussels and Freemasons

Having It Both Ways: Nothin Says Lovin Like Mussels and Freemasons

Read more about the Having it Both Ways project by clicking the hell out of this link.

The last several weeks have been a little crazy.  After the three dates in a weekend which included the crazy dude and the lovely and amazing Sophia, I was a little gun shy when it came to stepping out again.  I, of course, set up a second date with the lovely Sophia.  She arrived VERY early – 10am when we’d planned to meet at 11.  So I raced to the shower and dressed fast and then met her at a local nail salon where she’d opted to get a pedicure.  I bounced in and joined sitting in the seat next to her to have my toes done too while we caught up.  Then we had a wonderful brunch at St. Arnold’s, also in Cleveland Park.  St. Arnold’s features a menu of mussels cooked in various broths ranging from their more traditional to some fun spicy stuff.  I opted for the pesto this time – having the traditional St. Arnold’s when I’d gone previously.  Our fab time lasted until about 2pm and we have another date planned Tuesday to go hiking after work through the trail by my house I’ve been wanting to go on but am scared to go alone. Sophia will protect me.  She’s pretty badass.

Tonight, I went on a first date with – what I was told – was an IT woman but I think she’s actually a mechanical engineer and maybe the Mixology folks didn’t know the difference or assumed most people wouldn’t know the difference.  Hurm.. mechanical engineer it turns out might not be able to answer my home networking questions but could tell me how to build my own solar panels for my home back in Oklahoma.  Different conversation to prepare for….

Let me start off my saying I really wasn’t in a dating mood and I actually haven’t been all week.  I’ll write more about this next – but just know… it’s exhausting and I really wasn’t up for it.  I spent most of the morning preparing for a social media training webinar that I gave this afternoon – and then quickly showered and primped for my date.  The crazy storms that hit New England arrived at around 4pm this afternoon when the skies opened up and the wind went nuts.  It was very much like a light storm back home, but not something you generally get here in the land of the Beltway.  The black skies – the leaves being blown all over the parking lot below and then up the sides of my building  – the trees in the park rustling to and fro … and then the deluge.  I interrupted the webinar to take a photo out my window.

Despite the fun storm – this also meant walking to the 7:30pm date in the rain residual and flopping my flippies through the puddles filled with a nice rain, motor oil, and cat pee mixture.  I had on a nice dress and a sweater in case the restaurant was cold, my umbrella, and signature Superman pocketbook.  It wasn’t until I arrived at the metro that I remembered… oh yeah… the red line is basically shut down this weekend.  There’s no way I can take the train to this date… This is going to be a problem.  I walked to get cash for a cab – and then took the train as far south as I could then hopped in a cab to take me the rest of the way.  I realize I could have taken the bus – but I probably would have been late and … I hate being late.

The restaurant was a bad choice.  It wasn’t actually a restaurant so much as a fancy bar with a patio.  It was loud, the tables were way too close together, the Saints game was on over her shoulder at the crowded bar behind her.  It was too much and I was over sensitized with too many things going on around me.  I couldn’t hear and I felt like I had to shout.  I hate loud places and I hate when tables are too close together and the people next to me can be just as involved in my conversation as I am with theirs.

I opted for the mussels… seems to be a theme with me lately.  They weren’t great.  They sure as hell weren’t St. Arnold’s and the cake we also got for dessert left something to be desired as did the cappuccino.  The IT Lady was fine enough, I guess.  She made some good puns but it took me a few minutes to realize she was making a pun and not just an idiot.  She has a very strange laugh.  She’s very passive, a little shy, and skiddish.  If you watch Grim you know the characters that are mice?  She’s like that.  Y’all know me.  I’m loud, I’m outgoing, I’m pretty intense, I make inappropriate jokes and … well…. I’m me.  I was smiley and polite but I was looking at my phone wondering how long I had to stick out being in this awful bar/lounge.  She was ready to go pretty fast and asked if I wanted to walk around.  I said yes.

I couldn’t even begin to tell you where we walked – I think ultimately north of DuPont Circle through neighborhoods and looked at row houses.  She owns her own house in the district and talked about how much she loves old traditional architecture.  We talked a LOT about architecture and I talked about all of the crazy home renovations I did on my house back home, how much I love the art deco accents in Cleveland Park, and how Tulsa has so many great art deco accents that I enjoyed seeing a few weeks ago when I was there.

We also happened to accidentally run into the National Free Mason building…. thing.  Well, of course, I wanted to run right up the stairs and knock on the door and ask for a tour at 9pm at night.  So.  I did.  Well, I ran up the stairs TO the door.  This made her nervous.  We probably shouldn’t be there.  But the big metal door with the fancy door-knocker called to me to pet his head and smooth my hand across his nose and feel the cold detail and think of the thousands of crazy people who’d touched it for the last hundred years.  (Hint:  let your mouse hover over the nose of the lion for a fun surprise)  This was when I realized that it wasn’t exactly the “freemasons” so much as the Scottish Rite of Freemasonry Supreme Council whose door I was feeling up.  And then, of course, I saw the 4 security cameras all pointed at me…. so…. I smiled.  I waved.

We walked around for probably another hour looking at old churches around the city.  Some probably build in the 1800′s a few build in the 1970′s.  She didn’t know about the “red door” of the Episcopal Church and certainly didn’t know Eddie Izzard’s “Church of England” jokes… nor did she laugh at my impression of God as James Mason.  I began to wonder where I could find a cab.

We exchanged numbers – me, mostly out of guilt.  She kissed my cheek.  The most exciting part of my night, other than not being arrested for assaulting the door knocker for the Freemasons, was I found that my leather cleaner for my couch had arrived in the mail today and I spent the remainder of the evening polishing my sofa.

Having It Both Ways: Dating is Hard

Having It Both Ways: Dating is Hard

weird first dateTo read more about the Having it Both Ways project, turn around three times and spit.  Or just click here.

After the unfortunate experience with Mr. Crazy Pants I’ve been much more turned off by the idea of dating men.  I realize this is me being reactionary to the worst fears and anxieties I have of dating someone I’ve met online.  Still, it turns out my fears were actualized sitting on a bench on the top floor of the Pentagon City shopping mall.

Having had five first dates since I began this project one thing is certain, first dates are exhausting.  If you work in politics you know all about going to political events and having to be “on.”  Candidates have to have the perfect smile, the eagerness to shake hands and hug, the super friendly outgoing personality….. essentially the best version of themselves.  This is how every first date must be.  The best version of yourself.  After three of these dates in one weekend it can get to be a little too much.  After two weeks of staying up until midnight to live tweet the RNCC and DNCC and getting six hours of sleep… the idea of pulling out the nice dress, straightening my hair, and spending three hours trying to be perfect is quite simply exhausting.  Sometimes I really just want to come home and dust things while looking up recipes for things I shouldn’t be eating on Pinterest.

Geometry of a first dateThe one reason I hated doing fundraising so much for electoral campaigns was that need to constantly be “on.”  The perfect version of yourself in the nice outfit and the beaming smile might be a version of yourself, but the strength of the V-Chip filter is tuned up to the max.  Don’t talk about the crazy ex-girlfriend who was a pathological liar.  Leave out the fact that the love of your life was a cat that died in your arms two years ago.  Probably shouldn’t mention you occasionally play with men until the… second date?  But then you end up not being completely honest about who you are and letting yourself go.

Does that fear come from a need within all of us to be accepted and liked regardless of whether or not we are interested in the person across the table?  My first Mixology date I was absolutely myself, and she wasn’t interested in me.  To be truthful I wasn’t exactly interested in her either, but it’s always nice to be the one to say “no thank you” or ignore the email.  The second Mixology date I was much more guarded but there was something about her that made me feel comfortable and safe and more willing to express who I am.  She turned out to be the best so far.  So the standard becomes that there is no standard.  The rules don’t always apply.  The same ingredients don’t always get you that nutella cheesecake you saw on Pinterest.

So in the end, dear reader, I’m left rolling my eyes the night of the next first date.  Wondering if this one will be another distraction from a night better spent doing laundry.  But the most powerful of emotions keeps me going out:  the hope that the next will be just as perfect as Sophia… or even the infrequent Fifty Shades of Grey has become.


Having It Both Ways: I know what you did last weekend

Having It Both Ways: I know what you did last weekend

RIP our dateAre you reading my Having It Both Ways series?  Does your mother know?  You’re so naughty!

So let me just tell you about the highlights of the dates I had this weekend.  First, last night was amazing.  Mixology set me up with a lovely young woman who graduated from University of Tulsa.  She’s from Texas – but absolutely loves Oklahoma and wants so much to move back there.  She loves the former Mayor, loves the environment, the cute shops everywhere…. All around loves Tulsa.  I mean… how do you not, right?

She was outgoing, expressive, open.  I didn’t feel uncomfortable telling her about the blog and how I’d never really asked myself about these relationship questions before and never really thought much about it.  So, we talked about those topics.  At one point she got up to go to the ladies room and I did a status update on Facebook because sometimes y’all seem to like it when I update you on the status of the date…. and just said – OMG this is the greatest date ever!  So she comes back to the table and we exchange information including Facebook and I say “Um.. so… here’s the thing… I just did a status update saying it was an awesome date and you’re amazing” and she laughs and is like “I’m friending you RIGHT NOW” and then of course she comments on it.  So I introduced everyone to her.  Brett Banditelli joked we broke the 4th wall of the Internet.  Either way – it was a great evening and I really hope there are more.

On the other spectrum of the dating world was Geek Dude.  Which, honestly I was most excited about (at the time).  We met on OKCupid, we’d been talking all week via email and gchat, things were spicing up and getting hot.  So we met for lunch, and everything was going well.  He said a few weird things -  insults wrapped in compliments that were annoying.  He listened to my radio thing on Friday night and said something about how I was saying “like” and “um” too much… which I tend to do anyway but I’m sure it’s worse at 1am… So he was talking about how other people find that annoying but he thought it was cute.  I brushed it off.  There was some conversation about how the GOP is being obstructionist in the Senate and he made a comment about how Democrats were too which is why nothing has happened in the Senate since 2004.  Then wouldn’t have any further discussion about it because I disagreed but then later wanted to make sure I knew he wasn’t having the conversation because he didn’t want us to have a disagreement on the first date.

Things escalated when we left the restaurant and walked around the mall.  We sat on the top floor on a bench overlooking the food court.  His arm was around me and he was stroking my hair and my shoulder.  He leaned in to kiss me several times.  It was nice.  I liked him, I was seriously into it and everything was great.  I felt a little uncomfortable because it was in public, and I’m not generally open about public displays of affection like that, but I chalked it up to my lack of experience.  But in times like that, the fact is it felt great and I was just going with it.  He walked me to the train, kissed me goodbye.

I was exhausted after being up until about 2:30am for the radio show and got up at 8 to get ready for the date, so I went home and literally crashed until a few minutes before I was supposed to meet other friends for dinner and a movie.  Didn’t get home until about 11:30pm that evening and fell asleep in my jeans and tshirt I was so tired.  The next morning I woke up to an email from Geek Dude that made me a little uncomfortable and it started to feel like things were going to fast.  The expectation was that we would sleep together the next weekend.  I just wasn’t there yet.  It was fun, it was good, I enjoyed it, but this was too soon and for me, trust has to be built before I’m ready to go there.

I emailed him back and told him how I felt and he got angry and sarcastic.  I emailed back trying to make it clear that I had a great time, I was absolutely attracted to him but that I’m not really one to just jump in bed with someone.  At one point in the exchange he commented that he doesn’t have a hard time getting girls to sleep with him.  Not the right thing to say.  I’m sure he doesn’t – and if I walked into a bar in a cute dress and flirted with some random dude… I could go home with someone too.  Thing is… I don’t do that because that’s not who I am.  The fact that someone is comfortable having random sex with someone else so quickly doesn’t bother me, but it also doesn’t impress me, and it certainly doesn’t make me feel compelled to give it up to two weeks after knowing the person.

He continued to get more and more sarcastic and more insults wrapped in compliments appeared.  The final one I read as I was waiting for the train to head home from my Sunday date.  It was after several exchanges of me trying to explain my feelings and that I wasn’t blaming him for doing anything wrong – it was just that I felt we weren’t there yet.  He responded out of the blue with “Yes, I’m having a good weekend.  Thanks for asking.  It did take me 4 hours to drive home due to traffic but it was worth it.”

This was just too many red flags too fast.  I ended up replying “Thank you so so much for the great date on Saturday I really appreciate it and I had a great time. I wish you the best in the future, but this isn’t going to work. I appreciate the enthusiasm though.”  By the time I got home he’d unfriended me on all of the social media sites he’d friended me on and unfollowed me on twitter.

I had described what happened to Sprinkles Dude who told me after the first email to cut him loose.  But I ended up emailing 50 to ask him if I was wrong and this was perhaps the personality that comes out of typical dominant males.  50 agreed I did the right thing too.  At least I have men in my life I can trust who are looking out for me.

The whole thing was very confusing.  I felt really bad, because I did absolutely lead him to believe I enjoyed it and I was comfortable.  But being comfortable with someone kissing you and touching you and wanting to see them again is different than being comfortable enough to have sex with them – especially invite them to your apartment to spend an extended period of time having sex and other things.  I’ve said it before – I just can’t trust someone that fast.

Having it Both Ways: America’s Favorite Past Time – Sex and Judgment

Having it Both Ways: America’s Favorite Past Time – Sex and Judgment

Photo credit goes to Sprinkles Guy

Read more about the Having It Both Ways Project here.  Or just imagine you did and instead watch dirty videos… i don’t care.

I’m still pretty shocked by the responses I had this week after the post I did on my fear of falling in love.  I guess in retrospect I should have been more clear instead of just rambling my feelings like a confused mime expecting readers to see past the initial two paragraphs.  It seems once folks saw I’d slept with a married dude that was all they could read.  Most missed the point entirely.  And even in the follow up piece, few got to the next to last paragraph that said the last thing I wanted was to end up in a relationship where I wasn’t having my needs met and even thought of cheating on my partner.

What I should have done is simply describe the 4 relationships and ask you, dear reader, which one is the healthiest relationship.

Relationship 1:  Couple has sex rarely, argues constantly.  This has gone on their entire short marriage.  Husband has had multiple affairs and is unhappy.  Wife knows nothing.  Husband would leave if it was financially feasible.

Relationship 2:  Couple loves each other deeply, soul mates … the whole bit.  Wife is incredibly vanilla, husband is incredibly… not.  Husband seeks non-emotional detached sex toy that just happens to be human without wife’s knowledge.

Relationship 3:  Couple is deeply and profoundly in love.  Only had a few relationships in their lives.  Married after college.  Have incredible communication, tell each other everything, talk and process, have good sex.  Husband falls for a friend of theirs – friend falls too.  Couple considers open marriage with rules and guidelines for potential play as their relationship evolves and they try to understand more about their needs both individually and as a couple.

Relationship 4:  Couple has been married a long time.  Constantly fight.  Wife feels she’s not there’s no emotion in their relationship or their sex.  Desperate for passion, intimacy, and someone to love her.  Would never have affair.

Answer which one is the healthiest relationship.

Now.  Which one is the most socially acceptable relationship?  Answer why that is.

As I’m looking at relationships to pattern my own life off of, I’m seeing these and wondering which is the best for me, knowing that I don’t want to end up in a situation where I’m in relationships 1, 2, or 4.  How do you navigate that is my question?