Tag Archives: friends with benefits

Having It Both Ways: Murder will mess you up

Having It Both Ways: Murder will mess you up

Read more about the Having It Both Ways project here.

When someone you love gets murdered it fucks you up.  It’s more than 4 years later and quite honestly I’ve never dealt with my friend’s death, despite the fact that I think about it several times a week and I feel guilty I haven’t done enough with her foundation…

I never talk about her – most of my friends didn’t know about her until I did the blog post about emotional manipulation being a form of abuse and some of my closest friends told me they never knew.  I don’t talk about it beyond the “cause” element of it – which is just a way that I can put it in a nice non-profit box and pretend like it’s about someone else and not my friend.

But, the reality is that when my friend Jana was murdered it changed the way I view everything in my world.  I use to be so full of ambition and professional drive.  I use to want to be a big deal and had an ego that needed to be stroked.  I wanted my picture taken with famous politicians – and believe me… I have a ton of them… I wanted money and power and control and all of the things that most people in politics want.  When Jana was killed I realized none of those things will ever make me happy.  It doesn’t matter anymore.  In fact nothing does.  I use to want a convertible because I thought I would look cuter with big round sunglasses and the top down.  But the reality is that it isn’t the convertible I want – its the feeling of freedom I wanted… the wind in my hair and the sun on my face and that you feel like you’re going faster because the wind is swooshing past.  I just wanted the feeling of freedom.

For the past several years since Jana I’ve been floundering around asking myself over and over again “what the hell am I doing?”  Like I’m having a midlife crisis.  The only thing that matters to me anymore are people.  Not Bertha the big fancy TV that lives in my living room or my very nice Italian leather sofa… not having the best shoes or the nicest dress, not having the best job, not power, not recognition, not control…. nothing.  Just friends, experiences, fun, and happiness.  And its made me really really resistant to let new people into my life.  Already I had trust issues – already I didn’t let people close enough… now I’m even worse than I was before.

At the same time my normally cautious candyass ways have turned into a thrill seeking world.  I’ll jump out or off of anything, I’ll climb up anything, I’ll do anything once, twice if you’re lucky, and I crave adventure.  Grabbing life by the testies, eat sleep and be merry for tomorrow we may die….. because tomorrow we may…. we really might just…. because it happened to her.

I mention this because I split with another man friend this week.  It’s been a long time coming, but 50 has been so distant and non-responsive that I’m starting to feel like he was just going to use me without being a friend.  The thing about being a friend with benefits is you can trust your friend… its a friend… a buddy you have an honest relationship with.  Only… seems good old 50 just wanted to screw with no buddy.  I have trust issues… no friend… no benefits…. For the first few months it was all buddy… after that… nothin’.  So I didn’t respond to his latest email… and I’m not gonna.

When I think about him it’s so frustrating because… of all people who is wasting his life after not getting what he needed after years and years of being everything for everyone, it’s him.  You’d think at some point he’d wake up and go “shit… I’m getting on in years… I don’t have much more time I can’t do this, I really need to figure out what I want to get out of life before the clock runs out!”  I’m not talking about him doing this with me here – just … anyone or alone… anything.

I feel sad for him, everyone deserves to be happy, to do what they’ve always wanted to do before the die, or be able to have an opportunity to get what they’ve always wanted… within reason of course.  A chance to achieve their dream.  Who knows, maybe he’s already achieved his.  Maybe it was an occupational thing or raising his son… who knows.  I think it’s the Humanist nature of me to wish that everyone have a shot at happiness and being able to have what they’ve always wanted.  I wrote about him last week – I think he’s lying to himself about a lot – but I wish he could be happy and have all that he’s ever wanted.  I just have no hope that he’s reached a point where the experience that changes you into being an life grabbing adventurer. And he might not ever reach it.  I don’t know that everyone does – not that I recommend it because… it’s clearly fucked me up far more than I was before.

The worst part about 50 is that for a few months he was my buddy and I was stupid enough to trust I was his.  When the reality is of course I wasn’t…. of course… I wasn’t.  Whole thing just makes me feel like a trusting fool who was duped.

Having It Both Ways: The Professor

Having It Both Ways: The Professor

To read more about the Having It Both Ways Project click here.

I am so sick of 40 year old men who wake up one day and realize they didn’t have a family.  I feel like they’re everywhere.  Somehow all of these men that I know or that I meet within a certain age group have been having fun, screwing around, sleeping around, building their own careers and suddenly are like…” oh shit!  I want kids!”  And then start acting responsible, and trying to clean up their lives.

This is the point that we’ll enter “The Professor.”  Whose name I wish so very much I could post here and link to.  I met The Professor on an online dating site a while back – we’d talked off and on he wanted to go out.  I wasn’t ready yet (as usual) – then when I was I had to reschedule because a work thing came up and I ended up going to Phoenix for a week.  He got irritated I had to reschedule and that my schedule was so all over the place and I couldn’t say with any certainty from now until the election where I would be or what my availability would be.  So I just shut it down and said, “ya know, right now isn’t a great time to be trying this so lets just chat off and on and when the election is over maybe we can have a drink.”  He said fine.

Then about 3 days later started asking me to set another date again.  I was like… um… what part of “after the election” was unclear?  So we kept talking – email… gchat… pretty sexy flirtation.  I had a break in my schedule so I said – how about X night he says great so we made it a date.

Then he mentions something about himself that I didn’t know and he says “Oh that’s right we didn’t meet on OKCupid” (we met on another site).  And I said no but I’m on OKCupid so you could see my profile if you wanted.  He sends his link I send mine and I start looking through and notice he’s looking for a girl from 25-35 years old.  He’s 40.  So I comment to him and say “oh you like em young, eh?”  And he says something like “well, I want to have a family so I can’t really date in my own age range.”  And right there I was like… woah.  First of all – there are PLENTY of women 35-45 who are ready and eager to settle down and have a family like… NOW.  So, the presumption that those women don’t exist is bullshit.  Secondly, how nice for you that you’ve spent the last 40 years screwing around and focusing on yourself – now you want someone like me to come along who’s just starting out and you want her to start popping out babies for you?  No.  No.

So I say, “Well, I’m not interested in having children.”  And he says “Well maybe this is more like a friends with benefits than a dating thing…. because that’s a deal breaker for me.”  And I’m like – “ok take care… good luck.”  And he proceeds to get pissed with me because I somehow lead him to believe that I would – yet again – enter into a no strings attached relationship with some random dude that could just use me with no emotions involved.  No.  I have that.  I’m up to my neck in men who just want to sleep with me.  From the beginning of our conversations I was very clear that I was looking for something more emotionally intimate than a sexpal.  But I refuse to serve as some selfish asshole’s breed cow as well.  I was very clear that I’m looking for someone to adventure with to travel with to see the world and find new things and experience life with.  This does not include a picket fence, 2.5 kids, and a dog.  I’m not that girl.  I don’t know if I ever will be that girl.

I seriously resent this idea of some dude totally discounting all of these amazing women in his age range who are ready for that life.  Instead he wants some 25 year old who is too insecure to demand her own life.  He’s not looking for someone like me who will say let’s have fun for 5 years as a couple and adventure around the world and then maybe think about family planning.  No, he’s going to want to get married and start popping out babies before he’s 45.  Good luck finding a 25 year old in the Beltway who isn’t ambitious and wants to focus on her career less than having your kids … this town isn’t really the place for that…

And in the end – he’s turned into quite the sarcastic asshole emailing me things like.  “What the fuck?!?!  Well I’m glad you had all this worked out in your head a month ago. It’s a fucking shame you didn’t share.”  I just responded “It’s ok, I can be the adult one here and accept responsibility for starting to like you and think we could have more than that.  All my fault.”  Class act… it’s a wonder he’s still single at 40.  SHOCKED I say … SHOCKED!

BTW this is just one of the many stories I’ve been meaning to write.

READ PART 2: THE RETURN OF THE PROFESSOR