Tag Archives: love

Never Being Tamed

Never Being Tamed

never being tamed

 

 

Saw this on Tumblr tonight and it really struck me by surprise.

I know it sounds crazy – maybe naive and inexperienced, but I never thought of this before. I always thought there was something wrong with me because I never wanted to calm down or stop exploring or stop adventuring.  I didn’t know there were people out there who might be looking for me because they think the same thing.

 

It’s always nice to have someone to help you fight off the assassins

It’s always nice to have someone to help you fight off the assassins

mr and mrs smith

Yesterday. ThePrairieGay wrote about a guy who wants to marry him and have like, ten thousand of his babies. PG isn’t really in the place right now to do it.  While I think his young inexperienced adorable friend is probably misguided, I can see where he’s coming form.

So, I just got out of a relationship with someone I was in love with. Like for real in love. We have talked, he agreed he fucked it up and doesn’t understand what was going on in his head, and realistically isn’t in the place in his life right now where it makes sense for us to get back together.  His reasons are completely valid, I absolutely agree with him that there are things of a higher priority and because I love him I want more than anything for him to work out his issues.

Here’s my problem, even though I’m hurt from our break-up, and we’ve had a lot of conversations about where we are and what we feel and our intentions, I can’t stop thinking about him.  I see stuff I want to email him. Talk to him about. Gchat him.  I wish I could say I was lonely, I wish I could say it was because of sex, but the reality is that all of my needs are being met. I have enough friends, I’ve been sleeping with other people since we broke up.  I’m fine. I’m actually pretty good and I feel happy and am enjoying my daily life. But the thing is, I miss him, and I miss us.  We were actually really good together.

I hate chick flicks.  Sure I’ll watch them and roll my eyes understanding life really isn’t like that and be frustrated that we have a culture that now believes relationships must be like what they see in the movies.  I’m really more of a Mr. and Mrs. Smith romance than Maid in Manhattan.  And the idea of a graceful dance while we fight for our lives with semiautomatic weapons defending ourselves from would be assassins is more appealing than a rich dude “rescuing” me. I don’t want to be the girl that is rescued – I want to be the girl that is part of a team where we’re constantly saving each other’s asses.  Partners.

But there is something to the quote from When Harry Met Sally where Harry says “when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”

So, it’s hard. In part because I get where PG’s little dude is coming from.  I want to email my guy and as “So are you in therapy yet? How’s that going?” or “Hey, have you got your shit together yet?”  But the reality is, we all learn and grow at our own pace and our own time.  I spent the first 2 months of our relationship struggling to get out of a pretty deep depression. And you can’t force that or do it for someone.  He may never get his shit together, he may never stabilize his life, and let’s say he does, maybe he won’t love or care about me anymore.  So what’s a girl to do?  I hear you saying it, dear reader, move on.

Believe me, I want to. It’s easier when things are clear.  When he was an asshole who hurt me and dumped me, things were very clear.  When he apologizes, regrets it, wants to get his shit together, and recognizes he can’t be what I need right now and doesn’t want to take advantage of me … well, that complicates things.  I spent the first two months of our relationship not having my shit together, and now I regret it, because I wasn’t the best version of myself, I really wasn’t even a good version of myself.  And the last two months he was the worst version of himself.  Would be nice if at some point we could both be our best and be together. Even just for a little while.  After all, it’s always nice to have someone to help you face the assassins.


Now that’s romance right there.

Gay on the Plains: No, I Don’t Want to Marry You

Gay on the Plains: No, I Don’t Want to Marry You

Breaking Hearts in the Heartland

road map

Meandering Paths

We are all on our own journeys, dear reader. We each have our own destination, we each have our own pace, and we’re all just doing our best to keep moving forward. We’re not all barreling along the interstate on a straight line at 80 mph. Instead its more like a meandering web of paths, like the winding, cobbled streets of an ancient European village. The good news is that those paths intersect with one another constantly. The bad news is that those intersections frequently occur at the most inconvenient times.

I mentioned before that I am entering a period of introspection and reflection. I’m working on figuring out what my priorities are for the next few years, and where I want to be. I’ve also mentioned that I am enjoying casual dating. I don’t believe that these two things are totally incongruous, however I’ve discovered that it puts my path on a collision course with a few others.

I recently started an online conversation with a gentleman who lives in a very small town, about an hour from where I live. We hit it off early on and have chatted and texted regularly since. I have been totally up front about where I am in life, and my current aversion to beginning an ongoing romantic relationship with anyone. He has said that he totally relates, because he too is taking some time to work on himself.

And then he’ll ask, “So… how long do you think you’re going to take to work on you before you start thinking about settling down?” Which immediately sets off alarm bells in my head.

hunter

Hunting for a husbear!

I’ll respond, “I really don’t know, but I don’t think that should be important right now. I’m enjoying making new friends, yourself among them. Lets not get ahead of ourselves!”

“No no, I wasn’t! I was just wondering, you know. …So… friends? Plural? Like… how many guys are you talking to? Did you meet them all on Grindr?”

Sigh.

Twice now I’ve had to seriously remind this gentleman that even though he’s great and I’m absolutely enjoying getting to know him, this just isn’t going to go anywhere serious anytime soon. And twice now he’s responded that I’m getting it all wrong, and he’s not at all looking for a relationship, and he just wants to be my friend and keep texting. Constantly texting. And getting just a tiny bit annoyed when time isn’t made for him. We haven’t ever even met in person!

And so, dear reader, I come to you for advice. Can a PrairieGay like me explore casual dating in an upfront and honest way without inadvertently pulling in husband hunters, and inevitably disappointing and frustrating them? Am I treading into ethical waters that bear a closer examination before I proceed further? I’d be very interested in hearing your thoughts in the comments.

We need a hook up cuddling app

We need a hook up cuddling app

will you cuddle with meMy co-blogger ThePrairieGay and I were discussing the value of cuddling this week.  It seems a woman in Portland is offering her services as a professional cuddler to the general public.

“What I do is meant to do a similar thing that massage does but for the mind. It’s meant to really relax you and keep you centered and balanced and help you with your sense of self-worth,” Hess said.

“It’s not sexual”

Hess will cuddle and converse with you for a dollar a minute but service stops there.

Here is the interesting thing: Cuddling is actually really good for you. Nevermind the mental health benefits like making you feel happy and loved, it has actual health befits as well.  Stop laughing. Most notably, it can reduce your blood pressure and reduce your cortisol levels.  Cortisol is the stress hormone that makes your body freak out and not process foods and fats the correct way.  If you have a big belly – chances are you’re either you have bad genetics, you’re a lazy bastard, or you work in a really really stressful job.  That has actual impacts on your health. Cortisol and I know each other quite well, because when I’m on campaigns I have increased Cortisol levels and I gain weight.  Increased belly fat makes your blood pressure go up and it is bad for your heart.

Another interesting effect is an increase of oxytocin.  So, when we hug or kiss a loved one, oxytocin levels drive up.  And according to the TED Talk (below) by Neuroeconomist Paul Zak, oxytocin could be “the moral molecule” which impacts the our ability to trust and feel empathy. And hey – it may even help make us better people.

My co-blogger and I have decided we need an app like Grindr but only for cuddling.  Totally non-sexual. No hook-ups. Zero. Only clothed cuddling. And you don’t need to post photos of your sexy chest and your big thick junk – but descriptions of your big arms and heightened sense of compassion are likely a plus.  Cuddlr would allow people to find others in their area who just need a hug and who want to curl up with someone.

 

Is love like what it is in the movies?

Is love like what it is in the movies?

Can love be like whats in the movies

I recently had someone tell me that love isn’t like it is in the movies. That it’s hard.  When I read those words it made me sad, because while I’d always viewed relationships to, at times be difficult, the idea that love was hard seemed like a horrible way to view things. Less than a week later I had dinner with someone with which I shared my relationship history. “Love actually isn’t that hard” she told me, as if she somehow knew the discussion I’d had just days previously.

I’m going to make a bold declaration and say that love is what you make of it. We decide how we view things. We have the power to control how we react and respond, and we can choose what touches our hearts and what we focus our minds and memories on.

I’ve had my heart broken, just the same as many of you readers. Not just by lovers but friends and by family.  It’s easy to be sad. It might even be easy to be so consumed by bitterness that it clouds your perceptions of what love can be. I know it’s further enhanced my inability to trust someone.

But can the fallout of a relationship be so damaging that it forever destroys your ability to see the fireworks and smell the roses? I’m going to be the jackass that has the balls to say if that’s the case you’re just being lazy. And I say this as someone for whom it took 5 years to get back on the relationship horse.

It’s hard to get past the hurt. The cliche about scars does, it turns out, hold true. Maybe that’s the part about love being difficult; working through your issues, fighting past the fear, being willing to trust someone with your deepest thoughts and emotions. But love, the kind that lasts forever, really does have the capacity to move you in ways that Bogie and Bergman would give a nod to.

How? It isn’t some magical spell, it’s just learning to let go. Let go of the fear. Let go of the bitterness. Let go of little things that bug you like how he snaps at you every time he knows he’s wrong or she has atrocious table manners. She may not be “the one” and he might not be “price charming” but when you find that person that makes you feel like you’re good together – let the other things go and only focus on the moments that bring you joy. Then it really will be like what’s in the movies, because the fireworks as the music swells is all you’ll ever remember.

The power of positive thinking, my friends… it’s hard, but the bitterness and sadness will kill everything that is beautiful and wonderful every time.

Having It Both Ways: Breathless

Having It Both Ways: Breathless

washington dc kissingRead more about the Having it Both Ways project, just don’t tell anyone…..

So… something happened that took my breath away.  It’s been a rough week. First, I ate something that made me sick the other night… but the reality is for the last week I’ve been depressed about 50.  Not because it was a great loss, although I do feel a sense of loss, not because I invested a lot of time and energy in him, though I did, but more that I let someone get to me and I’m pissed at myself for being so stupid.  While talking with one of my best friends last night I explained where my “trust issues” originated, a story I actually haven’t ever shared with anyone before – not that it’s all that shocking, there are just certain times in your life where major events can impact you more and stay with you forever.  I digress…  So while talking to her about my trust issues I explained that it makes me want to shut down again.  It makes me want to hide and cower in a corner like a feral cat and scratch and claw at anyone who comes near me.  I know this is the wrong decision, but knowing what’s right and healthy for us isn’t always what we want.  Eat your emotional and psychological vegetables.

But then I got the surprise of my life.  I won’t go into great detail, but someone I’ve loved for quite a while that I realistically can’t be with but would like very much to be with… showed up at my apartment to surprise me.  It’s difficult to explain the amount of work that went in to making this happen and that I knew nothing about.  The email I got at 5pm read:  subject line:  come home.  email text contained a photo of the metro station near my house.  My eyes watered.  We’d been emailing all week about how angry and depressed I have been.  I really needed this.  I sprinted from the bar where I was meeting friends for drinks, ran across DuPont circle, leaping over the medians as the “don’t walk” sign flashed at me.  I slid through the doors of the train just as they were closing – then ran up the steps of the escalator… My eyes darted around looking but nothing.  Breathless, I took big fast steps walking fast up Connecticut Avenue.  I heard the voice behind me… and then the comfort and safety of our embrace……. and then…. of course…. the insane amount of making out that commenced in the elevator as we climbed the floors to my apartment.

I’m an expert at unrequited love.  I practically have a degree in it.  This is reciprocated love.  This goes beyond sex, although the sex is always great, it goes beyond trust although we both agree we’ve never trusted anyone more than one and other in our lives, and it goes beyond a mutual understanding that I’m much smarter (though I would argue not smart just more informed because I consume more information)…. there is such a safety I feel when we’re together.  I’m not afraid, or worried, or nervous, or anything – for once I can relax and let go.  Like when you were little and your grandpa told you to jump and he’d catch you.  I know I can jump … and fall softly in a lover’s arms.  And while we both know it never lasts long and we can’t be together; when we smile a goofy grin between kisses and talk of our dreams of the life we could have, nothing else anywhere matters.

Much needed surprise.  No one has ever done that for me before.

Having It Both Ways: Murder will mess you up

Having It Both Ways: Murder will mess you up

Read more about the Having It Both Ways project here.

When someone you love gets murdered it fucks you up.  It’s more than 4 years later and quite honestly I’ve never dealt with my friend’s death, despite the fact that I think about it several times a week and I feel guilty I haven’t done enough with her foundation…

I never talk about her – most of my friends didn’t know about her until I did the blog post about emotional manipulation being a form of abuse and some of my closest friends told me they never knew.  I don’t talk about it beyond the “cause” element of it – which is just a way that I can put it in a nice non-profit box and pretend like it’s about someone else and not my friend.

But, the reality is that when my friend Jana was murdered it changed the way I view everything in my world.  I use to be so full of ambition and professional drive.  I use to want to be a big deal and had an ego that needed to be stroked.  I wanted my picture taken with famous politicians – and believe me… I have a ton of them… I wanted money and power and control and all of the things that most people in politics want.  When Jana was killed I realized none of those things will ever make me happy.  It doesn’t matter anymore.  In fact nothing does.  I use to want a convertible because I thought I would look cuter with big round sunglasses and the top down.  But the reality is that it isn’t the convertible I want – its the feeling of freedom I wanted… the wind in my hair and the sun on my face and that you feel like you’re going faster because the wind is swooshing past.  I just wanted the feeling of freedom.

For the past several years since Jana I’ve been floundering around asking myself over and over again “what the hell am I doing?”  Like I’m having a midlife crisis.  The only thing that matters to me anymore are people.  Not Bertha the big fancy TV that lives in my living room or my very nice Italian leather sofa… not having the best shoes or the nicest dress, not having the best job, not power, not recognition, not control…. nothing.  Just friends, experiences, fun, and happiness.  And its made me really really resistant to let new people into my life.  Already I had trust issues – already I didn’t let people close enough… now I’m even worse than I was before.

At the same time my normally cautious candyass ways have turned into a thrill seeking world.  I’ll jump out or off of anything, I’ll climb up anything, I’ll do anything once, twice if you’re lucky, and I crave adventure.  Grabbing life by the testies, eat sleep and be merry for tomorrow we may die….. because tomorrow we may…. we really might just…. because it happened to her.

I mention this because I split with another man friend this week.  It’s been a long time coming, but 50 has been so distant and non-responsive that I’m starting to feel like he was just going to use me without being a friend.  The thing about being a friend with benefits is you can trust your friend… its a friend… a buddy you have an honest relationship with.  Only… seems good old 50 just wanted to screw with no buddy.  I have trust issues… no friend… no benefits…. For the first few months it was all buddy… after that… nothin’.  So I didn’t respond to his latest email… and I’m not gonna.

When I think about him it’s so frustrating because… of all people who is wasting his life after not getting what he needed after years and years of being everything for everyone, it’s him.  You’d think at some point he’d wake up and go “shit… I’m getting on in years… I don’t have much more time I can’t do this, I really need to figure out what I want to get out of life before the clock runs out!”  I’m not talking about him doing this with me here – just … anyone or alone… anything.

I feel sad for him, everyone deserves to be happy, to do what they’ve always wanted to do before the die, or be able to have an opportunity to get what they’ve always wanted… within reason of course.  A chance to achieve their dream.  Who knows, maybe he’s already achieved his.  Maybe it was an occupational thing or raising his son… who knows.  I think it’s the Humanist nature of me to wish that everyone have a shot at happiness and being able to have what they’ve always wanted.  I wrote about him last week – I think he’s lying to himself about a lot – but I wish he could be happy and have all that he’s ever wanted.  I just have no hope that he’s reached a point where the experience that changes you into being an life grabbing adventurer. And he might not ever reach it.  I don’t know that everyone does – not that I recommend it because… it’s clearly fucked me up far more than I was before.

The worst part about 50 is that for a few months he was my buddy and I was stupid enough to trust I was his.  When the reality is of course I wasn’t…. of course… I wasn’t.  Whole thing just makes me feel like a trusting fool who was duped.

Having It Both Ways: We all lie to ourselves

Having It Both Ways: We all lie to ourselves

To read more about the Having It Both Ways Project, please visit here.

While I was home for Thanksgiving I went to celebrate a friend’s birthday.  The table was filled with new faces – all friendly, welcoming, and open-minded folks, which typically means its going to be great conversation.  As the sakki flowed, my friend introduced me and told them “She’s a blogger and writes about all kinds of sex, and relationships, and toys and everything!”  My inner southerner blushed a little, not yet use to people knowing me from my dating life and lacking love life.

The questions came and I told them about the Having It Both Ways Project.  I talked a little about the men I find interesting – and my bizarre fascination with infidelity and monogamy.  Within that context, I asked one of the men (married to an incredibly beautiful wife that was sitting next to him) “So explain men to me…”  What he said was so astute and interesting I actually reached for my phone to take notes under the table.

“Men lie to themselves about what they really want and need.  I mean, I try very hard not to, but most don’t even realize they do it….. They convince themselves that they have to do the manly thing which, in their mind, is synonymous with the right thing.  They have to take care of the woman … there are obligations… etc”

I was kind of shocked and amazed at what makes perfect sense about so many of the men, married or unmarried, that I know.  But then again…. I’m not entirely certain it’s unique to gender.  I think we all lie to ourselves.  We all convince ourselves of what we really want to be true or maybe what should be true; sometimes so much so that we actually grow to believe it.  And it isn’t unique to relationships either.  We’re happy in our jobs because… after all it’s a steady pay check with benefits, who am I to complain if x happens or y happens.  A lawyer should be happy in her chosen profession because she spent so much time and money to be a lawyer.  A couple should be happy because they have a big house and a nice fancy car because so many other people don’t have those things.

It brings a mind to wonder, the people who do lie to themselves, is it a form of survival or is it more about “fake it until you make it”?  I don’t want to advocate this idea that we should break up a family every time someone gets annoyed with their partner, but I wonder what our culture would be like if we all stopped trying to fit into a mold of what we’re supposed to be and instead of what we think we should be.

gallup happiness poll

Gallup’s poll of Happiness

 

Having It Both Ways: Last Night I saw True Love

Having It Both Ways: Last Night I saw True Love

I got you babeRead more about the Having It Both Ways Project here.

Last night I got back home after having been out of town for a week.  I managed to race from the airport and get to meet my friends for dinner after I landed.  We had a great night – fun times.  And as I was walking back to the train with my friend Ken, coming toward us was a couple (man and woman) probably in their late 50′s.  The woman was on her blackberry furiously typing away.  The gentleman she was with was holding her arm as she typed and steered hear as they walked down the street.

I turned to Ken, “Now that’s real love,” I said.  “Baby, I loves you sooo much I wanna make sure you don’t run into people or moving cars while you’re emailing and walking.”  That’s real love.

Having It Both Ways: Fear sets in – What if I fall in love?

Having It Both Ways: Fear sets in – What if I fall in love?

Is monogamy relevant in contemporary society?Read more about the Having It Both Ways Project!

UPDATE:  Read the follow up to this post here

For the past year and a half I’ve been having an affair off and on with someone who is in a relationship.  A miserable relationship with an awful, atrocious human being, but a relationship nonetheless.  While we now live in other places and have only seen each other twice this year, we talk constantly, sometimes it’s super hot talk, sometimes it’s me playing therapist to hear about his relationship woes, sometimes it’s him yelling at me for my political philosophy that he doesn’t agree with, but most times…. it’s just really really hot talk.

A month ago I started having hot conversations with another married guy.  I don’t know many of the details of his situation, but like the guy back home, I’m not this guy’s first affair, nor do I doubt I’ll be his last.

I also had a friend who was known for cheating on his long term partner SEVERAL times.

A married female friend of mine said to me this weekend “without religion telling us what is acceptable, we probably wouldn’t have come up with monogamy on our own.”  She and her husband have been together for a VERY long time, and recently decided to start thinking about having a more “open” relationship.  There are rules and guidelines, but the understanding is that there are adventures that the relatively inexperienced couple could have outside of their relationship as long as they maintained their marriage.  They’ve been in couples counseling for more than six months, and their therapist outright told them that of all of her couples, they communicate their needs and concerns better than any other she sees.  They are stable, rational, consenting adults who know the red flags to watch out for in making something like this work.

Another married friend of mine has been with her husband for 12 years and was shocked to hear the above story.  “I could never do that,” she told me.  “I’m too jealous,” and I think she also said possessive.  She also said that when emotions are involved it’s harder to allow for encounters like the one the couple above described, and both her and her husband have too many emotions wrapped into their relationship.

That’s not to say, however, that the open marriage couple doesn’t – their rule is:  they come home to each other.  They are partners and there is a commitment between them.  Clearly, however, the emotions that are in play with the two top men above are significantly detached.  Guy number one doesn’t love his wife, guy number two doesn’t love me, and both aren’t getting something that they clearly need in their existing relationships.  Which is why they come to me.

That’s why people cheat, right?  Well… mostly.  Because a need is not being fulfilled?  I suppose there is always the “Self Loathing Cheater” … you know the ones who cheat because “if she loves me there’s clearly something wrong with her” or “I don’t deserve to be happy because I’m a horrible person so I’ll sabotage our relationship.”  But let’s just focus on the needs not being fulfilled because that fits in with my two guys.

My non-monogamous friend asked me “what’s the difference between having girlfriends that you can go see chick flicks with for two hours and someone with whom you can have a different form of sex with for two hours?”  It’s a fair question.  If you’re not talking about love, it’s just fun and games, does it constitute cheating or an affair?  Many many many women, especially those back home, would say yes, because they would see it as a betrayal of trust.  I think they do have a point there.  If the spouse is lying about it and sneaking around, then it is a betrayal, isn’t it?  It’s a lie.  But what if you both discussed it, the rules, and the terms and ensured there was no love involved here?  Is it still a betrayal?

My mom’s second husband cheated on her and it left her a profoundly different person who is certainly a lot less trusting, and that’s a factor in her current relationship.  She was never able to get over that sense of betrayal.  The cheater in that situation, however, never loved the women he was with, nor did he love her any less, but I’m confident if he came to her and said “I’m a sex addict can I ……?” she’d never consent.  I doubt there are many wives, particularly in Oklahoma who would, addiction or not.

As I’m beginning to date and go on dates with people who are specifically looking for commitments, I’m starting to wonder about my own ability to be in a monogamous relationship with someone.  What if I fall for a guy and he can’t fulfill me in the deep emotional way that women do?  Are emotional cuddly relationships with women acceptable because we just take for granted that women have “lady friends” or does it become something different because I use to be a lesbian?  Is an emotional affair between me and another woman still an affair?  Does our culture accept that there are things that we don’t expect men to be able to provide so we look to obtain them from our “lady friends?”

If we say yes – would the same be true if I ended up in a long term relationship with a woman that I was deeply and profoundly emotionally in love with – but who wasn’t into wild crazy adventurous spontaneous sex, and thus that part of me was left unfulfilled?  If I stepped out on her and had a “play partner” I boinked occasionally, but didn’t love, is that still unacceptable?  Is it the same thing?

My biggest fear in dating folks is in falling in love with someone who doesn’t meet all of my needs.  But is it wrong to assume that I can find someone who actually will?  And is it more sensible to decide what needs 100% must be met and what are more…. soft needs that can be somehow available elsewhere?   I think once you grow up and realize that there really isn’t that one single soulmate that completes you perfectly, the former begins to look more appealing.  The people who are in relationships like that are often times obsessed with each other, co-dependent, and incredibly dysfunctional.  So that’s not exactly healthy either.

Either way, it’s unfair for any of us to say what is or isn’t acceptable for one couple or another.  Decrying that X is right for everyone puts us back into 1950′s America where everything looked the same, sounded the same, and was the same.  It’s the Edward Scissorhands society, and I think we can all agree we don’t want to live there.  What works for the open relationship couple works for them.  Monogamy is only acceptable to my mom and her husband.  Who is any of us to say  which is better or worse.   What is difficult is that when looking for models in society, fictional, or real – there are no examples for which we can compare our own experience.  There are no public examples of non-monogamous couples who make it work, at least mainstream couples.  No fictional examples on television or in books either.  How can we pattern what our relationships should be if there is no path before us?  It leaves us making it up as we go along.

My friend said that this is what our generation is changing most about our society.  We are the “no boundaries” generation, especially when it comes to sex and sexuality.  Perhaps, it’s why we’re so open and affirming of LGBT couples.  The culture war is a boundary war – a massive shift between older generations who grew up being taught “we just don’t do things that way….”  Compared to my generation that is more open to embracing the differences people have or differences people seek.  The uniqueness of the individual.

As I’m dating and meeting more people, sure part of it is about learning more about myself, but ultimately it’s about uncovering what kind of relationship will work best for me.  I’m frustrated that I don’t have that answer readily available.  I know in my head what would be nice to have, but I don’t know how that works in actual practice, nor if its even attainable.  In the end, the biggest fear I have after each date I go on, whether I liked the person or not, is: holy shit… what if this turns out to be “the one” and he or she isn’t capable of meeting my needs.  Does that then me that he or she ISN’T the one?  And does that mean I should always hold out for the perfect person?  If I do that though, might I be waiting forever?  Or does it mean that I’ll end up like guys #1 and #2 stepping out looking to have those needs fulfilled.

I guess – I just want answers and there aren’t any.  There’s so much grey area – 50 shades of grey area – and I’m more comfortable with knowing an absolute definitive answer.