Tag Archives: mixology

Having it Both Ways: I just got stood up

Having it Both Ways: I just got stood up


Read more about the Having it Both Ways project here.

Tonight was another dating first: I got stood up. I think under normal circumstances if this was someone who asked me out and just forgot or flaked or something happened I’m sure the person would have called… But this was a date through Mixology the dating service I paid $2500 for to find me looooove.

Turns out love is a little hard to come by at 7pm on a Sunday night.

I think I’m coming down with another cold or something – I haven’t felt well all day. But straightened my hair, put on makeup and a nice dress, and spent the over-an-hour to schlep to Virginia to meet her for dinner. Prior to this date, I accidentally got an email that was meant for her. It seems she had questions about my femininity. Was I “fem” enough for her standards. The email told her (but actually me) that I was very feminine, wore a dress to the initial interview, had long hair, yada yada. After having such strict requirements, one would hope I was acceptable enough to call the restaurant to tell them she wasn’t coming.

For most people in this situation, I fear it’s a whole different deal. You’re excited to go out with someone you like – he or she finally made a move… etc. in my case I’m lucky; I don’t even know this person.  It’s a lot less humiliating than sitting here at this table with Clint Eastwood’s Barack Obama for dinner.  So nice for the President to join me.  Being the vulnerable dater who took a chance on someone is a lot more difficult than my inconvenience. But if it does happen to you – it seems the Internet search says wait 15 minutes before calling – leave a message saying you’ve arrived and you’re waiting. At 20 minutes – leave. In my case I went all the way across town …. So I was having dinner out whether she showed up or not. So at the 30 Minute mark I ordered dinner.  Other sites also recommend you email the person something like “I wanted to make sure you were ok…” just in case it turns out they were hit by the crosstown bus you don’t seem vindictive while they are lying in the hospital wondering if they’ll walk again.

But the reality is – if the person doesn’t respect you enough to show up – why give them a second shot if it’s just laziness or their own lack of calendar juggling.  That sets up a whole world of potential disrespect you could face.  Run – don’t walk to the nearest exit….. And buy yourself dessert….

When I informally polled my Facebook friends who allowed for friendly lamenting as I sit here enjoying my Maryland Crab Soup by the fire ….. alone…. They offered some acceptable excuses for being stood up on a first date. They include but are not limited to:

  • Death
  • Prison
  • ER visit for themselves or a friend or family member
  • A severe head wound causing amnesia
  • Their spouse came home unexpectedly
  • I think alien abduction is fair. I am pretty sure aliens are the least considerate people regarding schedules.
  • And many dear readers who agreed that there really are no good excuses.

I tend to be a patient person. Intense – yes.  Demanding – ok.  But, I’m always on time and understanding of those who run a few minutes late.  Especially in this town, where transportation and or parking can impact the timeliness of any potential dinner, date, or coffee companion.

While I’m inclined to give her another shot, it better be for a reason such as health, well being, or accident, because the whole “I forgot” or “I didn’t feel like it” doesn’t work when you’re paying $2500 for a dating service. This isn’t OKCupid – this is the big leagues – you show up on time or you don’t play ball.


Having It Both Ways: Nothin Says Lovin Like Mussels and Freemasons

Having It Both Ways: Nothin Says Lovin Like Mussels and Freemasons

Read more about the Having it Both Ways project by clicking the hell out of this link.

The last several weeks have been a little crazy.  After the three dates in a weekend which included the crazy dude and the lovely and amazing Sophia, I was a little gun shy when it came to stepping out again.  I, of course, set up a second date with the lovely Sophia.  She arrived VERY early – 10am when we’d planned to meet at 11.  So I raced to the shower and dressed fast and then met her at a local nail salon where she’d opted to get a pedicure.  I bounced in and joined sitting in the seat next to her to have my toes done too while we caught up.  Then we had a wonderful brunch at St. Arnold’s, also in Cleveland Park.  St. Arnold’s features a menu of mussels cooked in various broths ranging from their more traditional to some fun spicy stuff.  I opted for the pesto this time – having the traditional St. Arnold’s when I’d gone previously.  Our fab time lasted until about 2pm and we have another date planned Tuesday to go hiking after work through the trail by my house I’ve been wanting to go on but am scared to go alone. Sophia will protect me.  She’s pretty badass.

Tonight, I went on a first date with – what I was told – was an IT woman but I think she’s actually a mechanical engineer and maybe the Mixology folks didn’t know the difference or assumed most people wouldn’t know the difference.  Hurm.. mechanical engineer it turns out might not be able to answer my home networking questions but could tell me how to build my own solar panels for my home back in Oklahoma.  Different conversation to prepare for….

Let me start off my saying I really wasn’t in a dating mood and I actually haven’t been all week.  I’ll write more about this next – but just know… it’s exhausting and I really wasn’t up for it.  I spent most of the morning preparing for a social media training webinar that I gave this afternoon – and then quickly showered and primped for my date.  The crazy storms that hit New England arrived at around 4pm this afternoon when the skies opened up and the wind went nuts.  It was very much like a light storm back home, but not something you generally get here in the land of the Beltway.  The black skies – the leaves being blown all over the parking lot below and then up the sides of my building  – the trees in the park rustling to and fro … and then the deluge.  I interrupted the webinar to take a photo out my window.

Despite the fun storm – this also meant walking to the 7:30pm date in the rain residual and flopping my flippies through the puddles filled with a nice rain, motor oil, and cat pee mixture.  I had on a nice dress and a sweater in case the restaurant was cold, my umbrella, and signature Superman pocketbook.  It wasn’t until I arrived at the metro that I remembered… oh yeah… the red line is basically shut down this weekend.  There’s no way I can take the train to this date… This is going to be a problem.  I walked to get cash for a cab – and then took the train as far south as I could then hopped in a cab to take me the rest of the way.  I realize I could have taken the bus – but I probably would have been late and … I hate being late.

The restaurant was a bad choice.  It wasn’t actually a restaurant so much as a fancy bar with a patio.  It was loud, the tables were way too close together, the Saints game was on over her shoulder at the crowded bar behind her.  It was too much and I was over sensitized with too many things going on around me.  I couldn’t hear and I felt like I had to shout.  I hate loud places and I hate when tables are too close together and the people next to me can be just as involved in my conversation as I am with theirs.

I opted for the mussels… seems to be a theme with me lately.  They weren’t great.  They sure as hell weren’t St. Arnold’s and the cake we also got for dessert left something to be desired as did the cappuccino.  The IT Lady was fine enough, I guess.  She made some good puns but it took me a few minutes to realize she was making a pun and not just an idiot.  She has a very strange laugh.  She’s very passive, a little shy, and skiddish.  If you watch Grim you know the characters that are mice?  She’s like that.  Y’all know me.  I’m loud, I’m outgoing, I’m pretty intense, I make inappropriate jokes and … well…. I’m me.  I was smiley and polite but I was looking at my phone wondering how long I had to stick out being in this awful bar/lounge.  She was ready to go pretty fast and asked if I wanted to walk around.  I said yes.

I couldn’t even begin to tell you where we walked – I think ultimately north of DuPont Circle through neighborhoods and looked at row houses.  She owns her own house in the district and talked about how much she loves old traditional architecture.  We talked a LOT about architecture and I talked about all of the crazy home renovations I did on my house back home, how much I love the art deco accents in Cleveland Park, and how Tulsa has so many great art deco accents that I enjoyed seeing a few weeks ago when I was there.

We also happened to accidentally run into the National Free Mason building…. thing.  Well, of course, I wanted to run right up the stairs and knock on the door and ask for a tour at 9pm at night.  So.  I did.  Well, I ran up the stairs TO the door.  This made her nervous.  We probably shouldn’t be there.  But the big metal door with the fancy door-knocker called to me to pet his head and smooth my hand across his nose and feel the cold detail and think of the thousands of crazy people who’d touched it for the last hundred years.  (Hint:  let your mouse hover over the nose of the lion for a fun surprise)  This was when I realized that it wasn’t exactly the “freemasons” so much as the Scottish Rite of Freemasonry Supreme Council whose door I was feeling up.  And then, of course, I saw the 4 security cameras all pointed at me…. so…. I smiled.  I waved.

We walked around for probably another hour looking at old churches around the city.  Some probably build in the 1800′s a few build in the 1970′s.  She didn’t know about the “red door” of the Episcopal Church and certainly didn’t know Eddie Izzard’s “Church of England” jokes… nor did she laugh at my impression of God as James Mason.  I began to wonder where I could find a cab.

We exchanged numbers – me, mostly out of guilt.  She kissed my cheek.  The most exciting part of my night, other than not being arrested for assaulting the door knocker for the Freemasons, was I found that my leather cleaner for my couch had arrived in the mail today and I spent the remainder of the evening polishing my sofa.

Having It Both Ways: Dating is Hard

Having It Both Ways: Dating is Hard

weird first dateTo read more about the Having it Both Ways project, turn around three times and spit.  Or just click here.

After the unfortunate experience with Mr. Crazy Pants I’ve been much more turned off by the idea of dating men.  I realize this is me being reactionary to the worst fears and anxieties I have of dating someone I’ve met online.  Still, it turns out my fears were actualized sitting on a bench on the top floor of the Pentagon City shopping mall.

Having had five first dates since I began this project one thing is certain, first dates are exhausting.  If you work in politics you know all about going to political events and having to be “on.”  Candidates have to have the perfect smile, the eagerness to shake hands and hug, the super friendly outgoing personality….. essentially the best version of themselves.  This is how every first date must be.  The best version of yourself.  After three of these dates in one weekend it can get to be a little too much.  After two weeks of staying up until midnight to live tweet the RNCC and DNCC and getting six hours of sleep… the idea of pulling out the nice dress, straightening my hair, and spending three hours trying to be perfect is quite simply exhausting.  Sometimes I really just want to come home and dust things while looking up recipes for things I shouldn’t be eating on Pinterest.

Geometry of a first dateThe one reason I hated doing fundraising so much for electoral campaigns was that need to constantly be “on.”  The perfect version of yourself in the nice outfit and the beaming smile might be a version of yourself, but the strength of the V-Chip filter is tuned up to the max.  Don’t talk about the crazy ex-girlfriend who was a pathological liar.  Leave out the fact that the love of your life was a cat that died in your arms two years ago.  Probably shouldn’t mention you occasionally play with men until the… second date?  But then you end up not being completely honest about who you are and letting yourself go.

Does that fear come from a need within all of us to be accepted and liked regardless of whether or not we are interested in the person across the table?  My first Mixology date I was absolutely myself, and she wasn’t interested in me.  To be truthful I wasn’t exactly interested in her either, but it’s always nice to be the one to say “no thank you” or ignore the email.  The second Mixology date I was much more guarded but there was something about her that made me feel comfortable and safe and more willing to express who I am.  She turned out to be the best so far.  So the standard becomes that there is no standard.  The rules don’t always apply.  The same ingredients don’t always get you that nutella cheesecake you saw on Pinterest.

So in the end, dear reader, I’m left rolling my eyes the night of the next first date.  Wondering if this one will be another distraction from a night better spent doing laundry.  But the most powerful of emotions keeps me going out:  the hope that the next will be just as perfect as Sophia… or even the infrequent Fifty Shades of Grey has become.


Having It Both Ways: I know what you did last weekend

Having It Both Ways: I know what you did last weekend

RIP our dateAre you reading my Having It Both Ways series?  Does your mother know?  You’re so naughty!

So let me just tell you about the highlights of the dates I had this weekend.  First, last night was amazing.  Mixology set me up with a lovely young woman who graduated from University of Tulsa.  She’s from Texas – but absolutely loves Oklahoma and wants so much to move back there.  She loves the former Mayor, loves the environment, the cute shops everywhere…. All around loves Tulsa.  I mean… how do you not, right?

She was outgoing, expressive, open.  I didn’t feel uncomfortable telling her about the blog and how I’d never really asked myself about these relationship questions before and never really thought much about it.  So, we talked about those topics.  At one point she got up to go to the ladies room and I did a status update on Facebook because sometimes y’all seem to like it when I update you on the status of the date…. and just said – OMG this is the greatest date ever!  So she comes back to the table and we exchange information including Facebook and I say “Um.. so… here’s the thing… I just did a status update saying it was an awesome date and you’re amazing” and she laughs and is like “I’m friending you RIGHT NOW” and then of course she comments on it.  So I introduced everyone to her.  Brett Banditelli joked we broke the 4th wall of the Internet.  Either way – it was a great evening and I really hope there are more.

On the other spectrum of the dating world was Geek Dude.  Which, honestly I was most excited about (at the time).  We met on OKCupid, we’d been talking all week via email and gchat, things were spicing up and getting hot.  So we met for lunch, and everything was going well.  He said a few weird things -  insults wrapped in compliments that were annoying.  He listened to my radio thing on Friday night and said something about how I was saying “like” and “um” too much… which I tend to do anyway but I’m sure it’s worse at 1am… So he was talking about how other people find that annoying but he thought it was cute.  I brushed it off.  There was some conversation about how the GOP is being obstructionist in the Senate and he made a comment about how Democrats were too which is why nothing has happened in the Senate since 2004.  Then wouldn’t have any further discussion about it because I disagreed but then later wanted to make sure I knew he wasn’t having the conversation because he didn’t want us to have a disagreement on the first date.

Things escalated when we left the restaurant and walked around the mall.  We sat on the top floor on a bench overlooking the food court.  His arm was around me and he was stroking my hair and my shoulder.  He leaned in to kiss me several times.  It was nice.  I liked him, I was seriously into it and everything was great.  I felt a little uncomfortable because it was in public, and I’m not generally open about public displays of affection like that, but I chalked it up to my lack of experience.  But in times like that, the fact is it felt great and I was just going with it.  He walked me to the train, kissed me goodbye.

I was exhausted after being up until about 2:30am for the radio show and got up at 8 to get ready for the date, so I went home and literally crashed until a few minutes before I was supposed to meet other friends for dinner and a movie.  Didn’t get home until about 11:30pm that evening and fell asleep in my jeans and tshirt I was so tired.  The next morning I woke up to an email from Geek Dude that made me a little uncomfortable and it started to feel like things were going to fast.  The expectation was that we would sleep together the next weekend.  I just wasn’t there yet.  It was fun, it was good, I enjoyed it, but this was too soon and for me, trust has to be built before I’m ready to go there.

I emailed him back and told him how I felt and he got angry and sarcastic.  I emailed back trying to make it clear that I had a great time, I was absolutely attracted to him but that I’m not really one to just jump in bed with someone.  At one point in the exchange he commented that he doesn’t have a hard time getting girls to sleep with him.  Not the right thing to say.  I’m sure he doesn’t – and if I walked into a bar in a cute dress and flirted with some random dude… I could go home with someone too.  Thing is… I don’t do that because that’s not who I am.  The fact that someone is comfortable having random sex with someone else so quickly doesn’t bother me, but it also doesn’t impress me, and it certainly doesn’t make me feel compelled to give it up to two weeks after knowing the person.

He continued to get more and more sarcastic and more insults wrapped in compliments appeared.  The final one I read as I was waiting for the train to head home from my Sunday date.  It was after several exchanges of me trying to explain my feelings and that I wasn’t blaming him for doing anything wrong – it was just that I felt we weren’t there yet.  He responded out of the blue with “Yes, I’m having a good weekend.  Thanks for asking.  It did take me 4 hours to drive home due to traffic but it was worth it.”

This was just too many red flags too fast.  I ended up replying “Thank you so so much for the great date on Saturday I really appreciate it and I had a great time. I wish you the best in the future, but this isn’t going to work. I appreciate the enthusiasm though.”  By the time I got home he’d unfriended me on all of the social media sites he’d friended me on and unfollowed me on twitter.

I had described what happened to Sprinkles Dude who told me after the first email to cut him loose.  But I ended up emailing 50 to ask him if I was wrong and this was perhaps the personality that comes out of typical dominant males.  50 agreed I did the right thing too.  At least I have men in my life I can trust who are looking out for me.

The whole thing was very confusing.  I felt really bad, because I did absolutely lead him to believe I enjoyed it and I was comfortable.  But being comfortable with someone kissing you and touching you and wanting to see them again is different than being comfortable enough to have sex with them – especially invite them to your apartment to spend an extended period of time having sex and other things.  I’ve said it before – I just can’t trust someone that fast.

Having It Both Ways: 3 Dates 1 Weekend – Bring it!

Having It Both Ways: 3 Dates 1 Weekend – Bring it!

Read more about the controversy your friends might have been screaming about on Facebook at HavingItBothWays.com

I have another piece in the hopper that is sure to insight  panic among the masses, but until then, this weekend’s dating forecast, is sunny with the potential for hotness.  Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday is packed tight with 3 romantic dates and then, lucky for me, 3 friend dates.  After that is a super perk early next week I have 3 dates with my friend Beth celebrating DC’s Restaurant Week each at a different fabulous restaurant sure to highlight DC’s culinary uniqueness.

The one I’m most excited about is Geek Dude, who, it turns out, I have more in common with than I ever anticipated.  We spent most of last night chatting Sunday is another Mixology date with a woman we’ll call the “environmental consultant.”  She’s 5’8″, finishing her masters degree, traveled extensively, and is extremely extroverted.  Thus – my thoughts are that this should be fun.  Any volunteers who want to come with me to live tweet a date Sunday at 7?  Apply via Facebook or Twitter or the comment section below.

Tonight at 11pm EST I’m also being interviewed on a sexuality and relationship radio program where I get to rehash the last two days even more.  The host is at the very least a PhD, so I consider it free therapy if anything.

Today’s lesson for you, dear reader, is an encouraging word to think about the shitty ass comment you would very much like to post.  Here’s the thing…. just because you don’t know me doesn’t give you permission to name call or be rude.  Anger like that should really only be reserved for people in which you have a strong emotional investment.  You shouldn’t be getting that angry or offended by someone you don’t know and don’t care about.  It such a huge waste of your time and energy that you could be spending on your own insecurities you have about your sexuality or your relationships.  In the end, we can all disagree, we can all discuss openly and honestly, but there’s no reason to be an asshole.  Especially when you’ve got someone like me who will likely call you out for being an asshole.

Having It Both Ways: First Date

Having It Both Ways: First Date

Read more about the Having It Both Ways series here.

I’m pretty sure I haven’t been on a first date with someone like… ever.  Most people I get to know they become friends and then it turns into something else.  Rarely have I had the balls to say to someone – wow, you’re really interesting, I would like to have goat cheese and oysters with you on a Friday evening.  Enter Mixology, stage left.

So tonight was my first date with who we will lovingly refer to as “The Librarian.”  Not because she looks all old and school marm-ish.  Think more… Music Man.  She was truly delightful and had the most amazing eyes.  There were MANY awkward pauses where …. I didn’t know what to say… and I guess neither did she.  It was weird.  Then we discovered we were both English majors.  Then started talking about Shakespeare and an improve Shakespeare troupe in Chicago called – I think IO, I’ll ask her.  Then find out she likes Aaron Sorkin and The Gilmore Girls and BUFFY and Joss Wedon.  The conversation flowed as nicely as the wine.  She’s also really into new media and coms and is a fan of the twitters.  So this is pretty cool.  Lots of fun geek conversation could erupt from that.

Stupid things I did… told her about how easy it was for Rico and me to get girls in college to send me naked photos of themselves by using the phrase “Don’t worry… I’m a professional.”  I talked about my dead kitty which was sad.  She has a kitty – this is good.  I talked about how I tweeted before I arrived about how it was a bad idea to live tweet the date.  She gets total props for telling me she’s a twitter addict and I can check if it I want to.  Big smiles.

End of the night she didn’t ask me for my info I asked for hers.  Is that a good or bad thing?

This was good.  I had fun, what a lovely person for my first time.  Food was good – I ate too much.  I got wine, she did too – I hope that’s normal….  What else?  Any questions?