Tag Archives: online dating website

Having It Both Ways: Partisan Dating

Having It Both Ways: Partisan Dating

First Couple in freight elevator on Inauguration Night. Photo by White House Photographer Pete Souza.

If you’re looking for salacious stories of romance and torrid love affairs, I might share links to some at HavingItBothWays.com.

I was out having drinks with a bunch of Okies who now live in DC because a friend of ours was in town.  We talked politics and joked about people we all knew but inevitably the conversation turned to, “So… how’s dating going?”  But then the useful part of the conversation – the roommate of an Okie asked what I knew about online dating sites.  Ah ha!  My usefulness abounds!

The first question to ask is “What are you looking for.”  To which they all laughed, “A moderately sized bald man…” they joked. More laughter, “NO!” I said over them, “I mean what kind of relationship.  Just a random hook up, marriage, a buddy …. what do you want?  I introduced her to several different website possibilities that are free or cheap.  But then another of our friends told me I needed to set up a profile and run my “inspection” on BlueStateDate.com.

So… I did.  Here’s what I’ve got so far.  BSD seems to be a way for political staffers and like minded activists to come together around a mutual need to keep their love in the party.  Don’t go thinking its all inbreeding there’s a Red State Date too.  It’s like the Nation Builder of dating sites…. In any case, the profile is very political, asking you to go through and fill out a series of questions on domestic, social, and foreign policy to determine your level of conservatism.  It even asks you what campaigns you’ve worked on.

The idea is a great one – I’m all for it.  Especially if you buy a premium month now you get the rest of the year for free.  The downside?  When I searched for available people within 25 miles of me between the ages of 29 and 45 I got a whopping 7 guys… no women….. So that’s a fail.  I’ll play with it more and keep you posted, but at the very least I have a free year.

Having It Both Ways: I know what you did last weekend

Having It Both Ways: I know what you did last weekend

RIP our dateAre you reading my Having It Both Ways series?  Does your mother know?  You’re so naughty!

So let me just tell you about the highlights of the dates I had this weekend.  First, last night was amazing.  Mixology set me up with a lovely young woman who graduated from University of Tulsa.  She’s from Texas – but absolutely loves Oklahoma and wants so much to move back there.  She loves the former Mayor, loves the environment, the cute shops everywhere…. All around loves Tulsa.  I mean… how do you not, right?

She was outgoing, expressive, open.  I didn’t feel uncomfortable telling her about the blog and how I’d never really asked myself about these relationship questions before and never really thought much about it.  So, we talked about those topics.  At one point she got up to go to the ladies room and I did a status update on Facebook because sometimes y’all seem to like it when I update you on the status of the date…. and just said – OMG this is the greatest date ever!  So she comes back to the table and we exchange information including Facebook and I say “Um.. so… here’s the thing… I just did a status update saying it was an awesome date and you’re amazing” and she laughs and is like “I’m friending you RIGHT NOW” and then of course she comments on it.  So I introduced everyone to her.  Brett Banditelli joked we broke the 4th wall of the Internet.  Either way – it was a great evening and I really hope there are more.

On the other spectrum of the dating world was Geek Dude.  Which, honestly I was most excited about (at the time).  We met on OKCupid, we’d been talking all week via email and gchat, things were spicing up and getting hot.  So we met for lunch, and everything was going well.  He said a few weird things -  insults wrapped in compliments that were annoying.  He listened to my radio thing on Friday night and said something about how I was saying “like” and “um” too much… which I tend to do anyway but I’m sure it’s worse at 1am… So he was talking about how other people find that annoying but he thought it was cute.  I brushed it off.  There was some conversation about how the GOP is being obstructionist in the Senate and he made a comment about how Democrats were too which is why nothing has happened in the Senate since 2004.  Then wouldn’t have any further discussion about it because I disagreed but then later wanted to make sure I knew he wasn’t having the conversation because he didn’t want us to have a disagreement on the first date.

Things escalated when we left the restaurant and walked around the mall.  We sat on the top floor on a bench overlooking the food court.  His arm was around me and he was stroking my hair and my shoulder.  He leaned in to kiss me several times.  It was nice.  I liked him, I was seriously into it and everything was great.  I felt a little uncomfortable because it was in public, and I’m not generally open about public displays of affection like that, but I chalked it up to my lack of experience.  But in times like that, the fact is it felt great and I was just going with it.  He walked me to the train, kissed me goodbye.

I was exhausted after being up until about 2:30am for the radio show and got up at 8 to get ready for the date, so I went home and literally crashed until a few minutes before I was supposed to meet other friends for dinner and a movie.  Didn’t get home until about 11:30pm that evening and fell asleep in my jeans and tshirt I was so tired.  The next morning I woke up to an email from Geek Dude that made me a little uncomfortable and it started to feel like things were going to fast.  The expectation was that we would sleep together the next weekend.  I just wasn’t there yet.  It was fun, it was good, I enjoyed it, but this was too soon and for me, trust has to be built before I’m ready to go there.

I emailed him back and told him how I felt and he got angry and sarcastic.  I emailed back trying to make it clear that I had a great time, I was absolutely attracted to him but that I’m not really one to just jump in bed with someone.  At one point in the exchange he commented that he doesn’t have a hard time getting girls to sleep with him.  Not the right thing to say.  I’m sure he doesn’t – and if I walked into a bar in a cute dress and flirted with some random dude… I could go home with someone too.  Thing is… I don’t do that because that’s not who I am.  The fact that someone is comfortable having random sex with someone else so quickly doesn’t bother me, but it also doesn’t impress me, and it certainly doesn’t make me feel compelled to give it up to two weeks after knowing the person.

He continued to get more and more sarcastic and more insults wrapped in compliments appeared.  The final one I read as I was waiting for the train to head home from my Sunday date.  It was after several exchanges of me trying to explain my feelings and that I wasn’t blaming him for doing anything wrong – it was just that I felt we weren’t there yet.  He responded out of the blue with “Yes, I’m having a good weekend.  Thanks for asking.  It did take me 4 hours to drive home due to traffic but it was worth it.”

This was just too many red flags too fast.  I ended up replying “Thank you so so much for the great date on Saturday I really appreciate it and I had a great time. I wish you the best in the future, but this isn’t going to work. I appreciate the enthusiasm though.”  By the time I got home he’d unfriended me on all of the social media sites he’d friended me on and unfollowed me on twitter.

I had described what happened to Sprinkles Dude who told me after the first email to cut him loose.  But I ended up emailing 50 to ask him if I was wrong and this was perhaps the personality that comes out of typical dominant males.  50 agreed I did the right thing too.  At least I have men in my life I can trust who are looking out for me.

The whole thing was very confusing.  I felt really bad, because I did absolutely lead him to believe I enjoyed it and I was comfortable.  But being comfortable with someone kissing you and touching you and wanting to see them again is different than being comfortable enough to have sex with them – especially invite them to your apartment to spend an extended period of time having sex and other things.  I’ve said it before – I just can’t trust someone that fast.

Having It Both Ways: How not to get a girl with your opening line

Having It Both Ways: How not to get a girl with your opening line

Read more here about the Having It Both Ways project. 

Today’s lesson is a special one.  The opener.  When you message some girl on a random personals site is the first thing she sees because… well… chances are your photo is probably too small.  But more than that the first thing she sees is important is your opening line.  If that opening line sucks then its game over.  An example of a bad line is one I got today:

“So how do I go about meeting you?”

So I tweeted about what a bad line it is and said that I wanted to ask the guy “Really?  This is your opening line?”  And then I decided that I would just say that.  Why not, right?!  He responded:

“Lately, the normal openings don’t seem to be getting attention.”

I responded asking what was normal.  His Response:

“Hello. How are you. You look pretty. Stuff like that. I barely get any response with stuff like that.”

So I responded to him – in efforts to help … really.  You gotta come up with a better opening line!  Here’s what you do if you should find yourself in this position… ever….. Look at the girl’s profile and find something that stands out. Don’t go to looks right away – girls hate that. Just because she has nice breasts or is wearing a slutty outfit doesn’t mean she wants some dude to be all up in her “looks” that’s likely just to draw in someone to their profile. Women like that get responses talking about how they look all the time.

So show you’re goal is to not be that guy and did your homework. Glance through the profile and find something. “I really loved the latest Batman movie but I felt like it didn’t hold a candle to the previous one. Saw you liked superhero movies so I thought I’d ask your thoughts. Best wishes, XXX” Or maybe “I saw that you have a photo taken at the Botanical Gardens – the Hershorn is one of my favorite museums in Washington have you had an opportunity to check it out?”

Think outside the box – but individualize it.

His response…..?

“I see you’re into movies. It doesn’t appear to be the same kind of movies, but similar. You live where there is a lot of history, as do I. I’m sure that alone gives us something to talk about. It may not be your normal conversation, but it’s our start.”

Hey… at least he tried right?

Best pick up line according to my mom’s friend LaDonna to a total stranger with all of his buddies around – TOTAL STRANGER when she was a little… er… um… intoxicated: “So um… how come you didn’t wake me up this morning before you left?”  The dude kept saying “No no!  That wasn’t me!” But it didn’t matter… the damage to his cred with his surrounding buddies was already done.  HILARIOUS!

Having it Both Ways: FINALLY a Normal Response on OKCupid

Having it Both Ways: FINALLY a Normal Response on OKCupid

Check here to read more about the Having It Both Ways project!

I may have met the perfect OKCupid corespondent!  After all of the INSANE comments from men on these personals sites, I got one over the weekend from a guy who truly let his geek flag fly.  It started out by just saying the regular things like “hi” “you seem interesting” “good to meet you…” yada yada.  But quickly devolved into discussions ready for a DC Comics movie!

We exchange probably 5 messages including me talking about seeing Batman FINALLY this weekend and the preview for the new Superman in 2013.  After a few graphs of response he says

“I worked on a campaign back in high school, but fate lead me elsewhere. While I have worked on the Hill and at the Pentagon, now, I am just a mild mannered XXXXX for XXXX. But secretly at night, I take on a new identity. That of Mr. XXXX XXXXX, sleeper, because I work hard and need my sleep. That duel identity, no sleep, get into harms way stuff, that is for the comic books. ;-)”

I literally laughed out loud.  My response a few sentences blah blah then

“My nightlife is merely an extension of my day life filled with facebook and twitter and various other forms of new media. The internet is my playground and I must use my charms to garner favorable reporting by the bloggers. With cunning and guile I manage to obtain approval for meme graphics with kittens.”

His response …blah blah

“Oh the sleep is dangerous! But I eat danger for breakfast, or at least I sleep late and miss breakfast, if you get my drift. And I face danger all the time, especially in the afternoons during nap time. Watch out world!”

I respond – blah blah

“I love a little danger in the morning. Danger for brunch is always nice too – with a hollandaise sauce….. YUM! :)”

So let this be a lesson to all of you crazy dudes out there who are sending me messages asking me if I wear pantyhose or stockings…. it turns out being who you are might actually be more beneficial to you in the long run.  As momma would say – this dude’s a winner winner chicken dinner!

Having it Both Ways: Oh the things men say on the internet

Having it Both Ways: Oh the things men say on the internet

Lot has been going on at work this week so I haven’t had a lot of time for dating or working the profiles.  That said, I do have my first data ala Mixology with “the librarian” on Aug 3rd.  Part of me wants to livetweet it – but I’ll refrain out of respect for her.

What I have done is collect a number of messages, comments, and emails from folks that are too good not to share.  This is a list of things people ACTUALLY SENT ME on a personals site, social networking site, or commented.

  • “Did I lose you, my dear? What a shame. You could have made the best late night company…” (Received this after I stopped responding)
  • “Well so far I am have NOT been comprised, although I wouldn’t say that about any of my past lovers. Delish!”  (I don’t think he means to use the word “comprised” here)
  • “I’m a fan of Midwestern girls…” (I’ll bet you are)
  • “Kittens and pie eh?  I hope you don’t put kittens IN pie…..” (reference to my profile on OKCupid that says at the end I also like kittens and pie)
    “Do you find me attractive and would you let me kiss you when the time is right?” (really?  this is what you open with?)
  • “Never before in my life has a picture of sprinkles on ice cream made me so interested in fucking the woman eating the ice cream.” (Is it wrong I actually really loved this one?)
  • “damn girl! you look stunning! didn’t know I had sexy ass neighbors like ya on here :)” (the smiley face makes it ….. ok?)
  • ” Hello and good morning beautiful. Please give me a chance. …. your eyes are so beautiful” (I’m wearing sunglasses in the photo)
  • “Be a good girl and call Daddy at (301)XXX-XXX” (Yeah… seriously….)

Having It Both Ways: Two Ways – One Site

Having It Both Ways: Two Ways – One Site

online dating hotness photoThe adventure this week was in creating several different online dating profiles that I am going to play with and do some experiments on.  I’ll start with OKCupid a site that is for everyone from random hook-ups, couples who want someone, people who want to have affairs, or singles who are looking for all sorts of sexual orientations and combinations.

In my efforts to do research on this interesting world of online dating I created two pages.  One as me… the bisexual seeking only straight men.  And one as me the bisexual seeking other women.  I put the same commentary on both of them – same answers.  Almost the same everything except photo.  With the one targeting men I used a full body shot with a low cut dress that showcases my … er… um… assets…  With the girls I used a black and white photo looking down at just my face when I was laughing about the fact that the person taking it was… taking such a photo.  All of the photos on each account are the same – but the primary profile photo I chose changed.

I chose OK Cupid as a site because I have my Chi friend using it as well as another friend in DC using it who had a great date with an OKCupid guy last night and is meeting him again this evening.  So I figured this was the next option.  So far my email box is exploding with men who are looking – only a few women have looked.

Next up – I’m going to start a JDate profile at the urgency of another friend.  My question was “um… but I’m not Jewish…” to which he said … “So?  There’s nothing hotter than a shiksa willing to convert.” My friend also said he’d help add 20% more Yiddish to my profile if it would help.  Oy…

Having It Both Ways: 50 Shades of Grey Without the Relationship

Having It Both Ways: 50 Shades of Grey Without the Relationship

Fifty Shades of Grey Without the RomanceCheck out the first in the series: Having it Both Ways to learn more about the dating project.

When I first moved to Washington, Dude #2 suggested that I find a hot girl to date or be with so that we could have some wild crazy times together.  Ahhh straight men, gotta love the way they think.  While I was certainly interested in a nice new lady friend, I was open to the potential of another gentleman as well, and started a profile on a personals site that links people based on, let’s just say, their adventurous inclinations.

Dude #3 did not approve of this and considered finding sexual partners based on their emails from a blog or site such as that to be dangerous.  He was concerned for my safety.  It was just a few months later and I was falling in love with him, so the personals site sat dormant for 9 months and racked up all sorts of interesting men (and no women) who wanted to give me detailed descriptions of what they’d like to do with me.

When I returned to the site following the fallout of Dude 3, I began wading through the messages and replying or, quite frankly, just giggling.  You have to give men credit, the fact that they’re willing to message a stranger and say “You’re hot, want you NOW here’s my number” takes a lot of guts.  I replied 9 months later and said “Be right over” just to mess with them.

About 150 similar invitations followed, including many from people that were going to be in Washington for conferences and wanted to “meet up.”  Yeah.  I’m sure you do.  Delete.  But among the mess were a few people that were interesting or I decided would be fun to poke fun at – electronically speaking.  One was 26 year old Tyler who had a complicated understanding of capitalization of proper nouns.  We’ll assume this is because Too Young Tyler typically types one handed.  The next gentleman is not too young 50 and began our conversation by complimenting me on my tumblr that features nude black and white images I find beautiful and sexy but with a lot of class and elegance.

Fifty and I struck up an email conversation for about a week and he seemed to have a good balance of being able to articulate complex political philosophy and some very hot conversation.  I decided he must be a kinky Senator or Congressman and we should absolutely meet.  We set a date for later in the week having coffee early one morning near my office.  Indeed he was delicious, but not an elected official.  Tall, lean, a slight smirk, beautiful eyes, and hair 50 shades of grey.  Still, I learned, incredibly well connected, professional, smart, and extraordinarily private.  He was looking for a hot young thing to play that would allow some of his more adventurous side to be expressed.  He was not looking for a relationship.

Thus began the complicated thought process in my head.  Fifty could provide me with a lot of much needed adventure while I try and uncover the dating scene in Washington.  The point at which I find a suitable person to date exclusively Fifty and I could be buds.  In the mean time …. I could have 50 Shades of Grey – just without the long term relationship.

Am I ok with that?  I guess we’ll see.