Tag Archives: people who are assholes

Having It Both Ways: The Professor

Having It Both Ways: The Professor

To read more about the Having It Both Ways Project click here.

I am so sick of 40 year old men who wake up one day and realize they didn’t have a family.  I feel like they’re everywhere.  Somehow all of these men that I know or that I meet within a certain age group have been having fun, screwing around, sleeping around, building their own careers and suddenly are like…” oh shit!  I want kids!”  And then start acting responsible, and trying to clean up their lives.

This is the point that we’ll enter “The Professor.”  Whose name I wish so very much I could post here and link to.  I met The Professor on an online dating site a while back – we’d talked off and on he wanted to go out.  I wasn’t ready yet (as usual) – then when I was I had to reschedule because a work thing came up and I ended up going to Phoenix for a week.  He got irritated I had to reschedule and that my schedule was so all over the place and I couldn’t say with any certainty from now until the election where I would be or what my availability would be.  So I just shut it down and said, “ya know, right now isn’t a great time to be trying this so lets just chat off and on and when the election is over maybe we can have a drink.”  He said fine.

Then about 3 days later started asking me to set another date again.  I was like… um… what part of “after the election” was unclear?  So we kept talking – email… gchat… pretty sexy flirtation.  I had a break in my schedule so I said – how about X night he says great so we made it a date.

Then he mentions something about himself that I didn’t know and he says “Oh that’s right we didn’t meet on OKCupid” (we met on another site).  And I said no but I’m on OKCupid so you could see my profile if you wanted.  He sends his link I send mine and I start looking through and notice he’s looking for a girl from 25-35 years old.  He’s 40.  So I comment to him and say “oh you like em young, eh?”  And he says something like “well, I want to have a family so I can’t really date in my own age range.”  And right there I was like… woah.  First of all – there are PLENTY of women 35-45 who are ready and eager to settle down and have a family like… NOW.  So, the presumption that those women don’t exist is bullshit.  Secondly, how nice for you that you’ve spent the last 40 years screwing around and focusing on yourself – now you want someone like me to come along who’s just starting out and you want her to start popping out babies for you?  No.  No.

So I say, “Well, I’m not interested in having children.”  And he says “Well maybe this is more like a friends with benefits than a dating thing…. because that’s a deal breaker for me.”  And I’m like – “ok take care… good luck.”  And he proceeds to get pissed with me because I somehow lead him to believe that I would – yet again – enter into a no strings attached relationship with some random dude that could just use me with no emotions involved.  No.  I have that.  I’m up to my neck in men who just want to sleep with me.  From the beginning of our conversations I was very clear that I was looking for something more emotionally intimate than a sexpal.  But I refuse to serve as some selfish asshole’s breed cow as well.  I was very clear that I’m looking for someone to adventure with to travel with to see the world and find new things and experience life with.  This does not include a picket fence, 2.5 kids, and a dog.  I’m not that girl.  I don’t know if I ever will be that girl.

I seriously resent this idea of some dude totally discounting all of these amazing women in his age range who are ready for that life.  Instead he wants some 25 year old who is too insecure to demand her own life.  He’s not looking for someone like me who will say let’s have fun for 5 years as a couple and adventure around the world and then maybe think about family planning.  No, he’s going to want to get married and start popping out babies before he’s 45.  Good luck finding a 25 year old in the Beltway who isn’t ambitious and wants to focus on her career less than having your kids … this town isn’t really the place for that…

And in the end – he’s turned into quite the sarcastic asshole emailing me things like.  “What the fuck?!?!  Well I’m glad you had all this worked out in your head a month ago. It’s a fucking shame you didn’t share.”  I just responded “It’s ok, I can be the adult one here and accept responsibility for starting to like you and think we could have more than that.  All my fault.”  Class act… it’s a wonder he’s still single at 40.  SHOCKED I say … SHOCKED!

BTW this is just one of the many stories I’ve been meaning to write.


Thank God you’ve got religion, otherwise you’d be an asshole

Thank God you’ve got religion, otherwise you’d be an asshole

Have you ever noticed that some of the biggest born again religious leaders are so overtly mean, nasty, and oppressive?  If some of these leaders weren’t in the right wing Christianity movement and just regular people on the street like you or me, I’m pretty sure they’d be the people who get punched in the bar.

If “our prime purpose in this life is to help others.  And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them” is the mantra for goodness and humanity, one would think this would be somehow instilled into all people.  At what point do we all go awry?  Is it when we discover power, money, the stuff money buys, and our ability to hold some kind of Godlike control even on the most miniscule piece of our world?  Do people hurt others simply because they can?

My friend Colin and I sat in a bar a few Friday’s back, and he talked about people who hold the magnifying glass over the bug to watch it burn alive.  That kids like that are freaks …. but many people grow up to be adults who do things like that and they’re sociopaths.  They hurt people because they like it.  Some people hurt because they can, some people hurt because they can’t stop themselves even if they wanted to, some even hurt others because it prevents them from being hurt.  The only thing we can do, Colin said, is learn to spot the sociopaths and assholes and run – don’t walk – to the nearest exit.

I’ve spent my adult life trying to figure out the most effective and efficient way to help as many people as possible.  Sometimes it’s getting someone elected who can help a large group of people, sometimes it’s working for an organization who gets people elected, or an organization that helps people.  And then every once in a while I have a friend who needs help, and without even thinking I jump to see what I can do.  My problem with pretty much all of my imputations is that … I don’t think.  Should it be that way?  Should I only help people if it means I’m not going to get hurt or screwed over?  Or do I continue to follow the teachings of the sublime troublemakers of the ages, and not think and just do what I can, hoping eventually it’ll all even out?

My problem is that lately I might be the bug that runs under the magnifying glass to save the other bug – but in the process the sociopath fries me too.