Tag Archives: sex

50 Shades of Grey Movie Poster is out!

50 Shades of Grey Movie Poster is out!

50 shades of grey movie poster

Universal Pictures has unveiled the first bit of promotional material for the film “Fifty Shades of Grey” last Friday: a poster that begins “the yearlong countdown to Valentine’s Day 2015 when the film arrives in theaters.”  Heh… they said firm.

Shockingly, the poster doesn’t give a lot of information, instead encouraging kinky lovers everywhere that a screenwriter has worked diligently to help rewrite the book in a way that is more digestible for those above a third grade reading level (Sorry Oklahoma).

If you live near one of five fancy urban street corners where the poster will be displayed, you can beg Christian Grey to tie you up yourself! Those intersections are in New York (Grand Street & 6th Ave.), Los Angeles (Wilshire Blvd. & Gayley), Chicago (LaSalle & Hubbard), San Francisco (Mission Street & 6th) and Seattle (1st & Wall Street).

Did being founded by the Puritans make us uptight forever?

Did being founded by the Puritans make us uptight forever?

miley vs madonna

 

There was a valuable article in Alternet this week that I highly recommend.

We are an uptight nation. All you have to do is see the freak out that occurred when Janet Jackson’s nipple was exposed on national TV. We can watch people get strangled, beaten, shot, knifed, and everywhere in between but god forbid we see a nipple.

“The real story here is how we’re such a hypersexualized, yet pleasure-starved culture. America is a Christian consumer nation bent on policing sexual expression, while selling smut and sanctimony steeped in shame. Profitable sexual transgressions are the norm, yet apparently the only threat to childhood innocence. So conversation about healthy sexuality to combat today’s paradoxical messages must be squashed to “protect the kids.” Conservative culture warriors—aided and abetted by an infotainment media that feeds off of extremes—conflate the progressive push toward sexual freedom and justice with the toxic byproduct of anything-goes commercialism.”

So how do you balance the objectification of women with the fact that we shouldn’t be so uptight?

Let’s begin by acknowledging once and for all that sex isn’t about procreation. People don’t have sex just to make babies. It turns out we do it because we like it.  Not just me. Not just you. All of us. It is the true unifier for both genders and multiple sexualities, regardless of age. Everyone likes pleasure.

The next step is to stop assholes from thinking that they’re entitled to use women for their sexual pleasures and raise boys to be respectful of women.  Not hard, right?  Rape is not ok and comes out of a lack of respect for other people. Let’s remember our humanity, and stop cutting funds for mental health services to violent offenders.

And finally via the Alternet piece:

“Questioning the stories we tell ourselves about sex frees us from having to squeeze into any Silver Slipper sexual ideal. To unlearn shame culture we must teach something else. To break the chains of purity vs. perversion, performance vs. pathology binaries, change the conversation. Let’s start with the elephant in the room, America’s unspoken taboo: pleasure. Talking sexual pleasure can be tough when most conflate pleasure with hedonism and selfishness. But sex is not only fun. While most of the animal kingdom does it solely for procreation, sex for pleasure is what makes us human.”

Because sex can cause accidents

Because sex can cause accidents
Because sex can cause accidents

I just keep thinking “We’ll just tell her we ate it…” Sex can be dangerous. Not just when you’re playing rough or when your equipment malfunctions because it wasn’t reinforced into a support beam, but if you’re inexperienced and you don’t know the way your partner’s body works and responds, you could be setting yourself up for an accident.

That’s when TLC’s new show “Sex Sent Me To The ER” comes in. Because If you fuck up fucking up… we all get to laugh at you.

When my father first started working as an EMT he told me about a woman who was a crack whore who they made a call on who’d had anal sex so rough that her rectum collapsed and the dude left so fast that he left the condom inside her.  Ok that’s not a funny story… that’s messed up.  And is so horrifying I’ll tell you, it has scared the hell out of me to such an degree that it’s one of those thoughts that runs through my mind when I’m having sex with someone.  No one needs that.  And not all stories are funny. Doubt TLC will tell those.

H/T to Jezebel for this. But I do not agree the “The Learning Channel” is no longer a “learning channel” I think there are teachable moments in this show – reinforces your sex swing being one of them.

Having It Both Ways: Murder will mess you up

Having It Both Ways: Murder will mess you up

Read more about the Having It Both Ways project here.

When someone you love gets murdered it fucks you up.  It’s more than 4 years later and quite honestly I’ve never dealt with my friend’s death, despite the fact that I think about it several times a week and I feel guilty I haven’t done enough with her foundation…

I never talk about her – most of my friends didn’t know about her until I did the blog post about emotional manipulation being a form of abuse and some of my closest friends told me they never knew.  I don’t talk about it beyond the “cause” element of it – which is just a way that I can put it in a nice non-profit box and pretend like it’s about someone else and not my friend.

But, the reality is that when my friend Jana was murdered it changed the way I view everything in my world.  I use to be so full of ambition and professional drive.  I use to want to be a big deal and had an ego that needed to be stroked.  I wanted my picture taken with famous politicians – and believe me… I have a ton of them… I wanted money and power and control and all of the things that most people in politics want.  When Jana was killed I realized none of those things will ever make me happy.  It doesn’t matter anymore.  In fact nothing does.  I use to want a convertible because I thought I would look cuter with big round sunglasses and the top down.  But the reality is that it isn’t the convertible I want – its the feeling of freedom I wanted… the wind in my hair and the sun on my face and that you feel like you’re going faster because the wind is swooshing past.  I just wanted the feeling of freedom.

For the past several years since Jana I’ve been floundering around asking myself over and over again “what the hell am I doing?”  Like I’m having a midlife crisis.  The only thing that matters to me anymore are people.  Not Bertha the big fancy TV that lives in my living room or my very nice Italian leather sofa… not having the best shoes or the nicest dress, not having the best job, not power, not recognition, not control…. nothing.  Just friends, experiences, fun, and happiness.  And its made me really really resistant to let new people into my life.  Already I had trust issues – already I didn’t let people close enough… now I’m even worse than I was before.

At the same time my normally cautious candyass ways have turned into a thrill seeking world.  I’ll jump out or off of anything, I’ll climb up anything, I’ll do anything once, twice if you’re lucky, and I crave adventure.  Grabbing life by the testies, eat sleep and be merry for tomorrow we may die….. because tomorrow we may…. we really might just…. because it happened to her.

I mention this because I split with another man friend this week.  It’s been a long time coming, but 50 has been so distant and non-responsive that I’m starting to feel like he was just going to use me without being a friend.  The thing about being a friend with benefits is you can trust your friend… its a friend… a buddy you have an honest relationship with.  Only… seems good old 50 just wanted to screw with no buddy.  I have trust issues… no friend… no benefits…. For the first few months it was all buddy… after that… nothin’.  So I didn’t respond to his latest email… and I’m not gonna.

When I think about him it’s so frustrating because… of all people who is wasting his life after not getting what he needed after years and years of being everything for everyone, it’s him.  You’d think at some point he’d wake up and go “shit… I’m getting on in years… I don’t have much more time I can’t do this, I really need to figure out what I want to get out of life before the clock runs out!”  I’m not talking about him doing this with me here – just … anyone or alone… anything.

I feel sad for him, everyone deserves to be happy, to do what they’ve always wanted to do before the die, or be able to have an opportunity to get what they’ve always wanted… within reason of course.  A chance to achieve their dream.  Who knows, maybe he’s already achieved his.  Maybe it was an occupational thing or raising his son… who knows.  I think it’s the Humanist nature of me to wish that everyone have a shot at happiness and being able to have what they’ve always wanted.  I wrote about him last week – I think he’s lying to himself about a lot – but I wish he could be happy and have all that he’s ever wanted.  I just have no hope that he’s reached a point where the experience that changes you into being an life grabbing adventurer. And he might not ever reach it.  I don’t know that everyone does – not that I recommend it because… it’s clearly fucked me up far more than I was before.

The worst part about 50 is that for a few months he was my buddy and I was stupid enough to trust I was his.  When the reality is of course I wasn’t…. of course… I wasn’t.  Whole thing just makes me feel like a trusting fool who was duped.

Having It Both Ways: The Professor

Having It Both Ways: The Professor

To read more about the Having It Both Ways Project click here.

I am so sick of 40 year old men who wake up one day and realize they didn’t have a family.  I feel like they’re everywhere.  Somehow all of these men that I know or that I meet within a certain age group have been having fun, screwing around, sleeping around, building their own careers and suddenly are like…” oh shit!  I want kids!”  And then start acting responsible, and trying to clean up their lives.

This is the point that we’ll enter “The Professor.”  Whose name I wish so very much I could post here and link to.  I met The Professor on an online dating site a while back – we’d talked off and on he wanted to go out.  I wasn’t ready yet (as usual) – then when I was I had to reschedule because a work thing came up and I ended up going to Phoenix for a week.  He got irritated I had to reschedule and that my schedule was so all over the place and I couldn’t say with any certainty from now until the election where I would be or what my availability would be.  So I just shut it down and said, “ya know, right now isn’t a great time to be trying this so lets just chat off and on and when the election is over maybe we can have a drink.”  He said fine.

Then about 3 days later started asking me to set another date again.  I was like… um… what part of “after the election” was unclear?  So we kept talking – email… gchat… pretty sexy flirtation.  I had a break in my schedule so I said – how about X night he says great so we made it a date.

Then he mentions something about himself that I didn’t know and he says “Oh that’s right we didn’t meet on OKCupid” (we met on another site).  And I said no but I’m on OKCupid so you could see my profile if you wanted.  He sends his link I send mine and I start looking through and notice he’s looking for a girl from 25-35 years old.  He’s 40.  So I comment to him and say “oh you like em young, eh?”  And he says something like “well, I want to have a family so I can’t really date in my own age range.”  And right there I was like… woah.  First of all – there are PLENTY of women 35-45 who are ready and eager to settle down and have a family like… NOW.  So, the presumption that those women don’t exist is bullshit.  Secondly, how nice for you that you’ve spent the last 40 years screwing around and focusing on yourself – now you want someone like me to come along who’s just starting out and you want her to start popping out babies for you?  No.  No.

So I say, “Well, I’m not interested in having children.”  And he says “Well maybe this is more like a friends with benefits than a dating thing…. because that’s a deal breaker for me.”  And I’m like – “ok take care… good luck.”  And he proceeds to get pissed with me because I somehow lead him to believe that I would – yet again – enter into a no strings attached relationship with some random dude that could just use me with no emotions involved.  No.  I have that.  I’m up to my neck in men who just want to sleep with me.  From the beginning of our conversations I was very clear that I was looking for something more emotionally intimate than a sexpal.  But I refuse to serve as some selfish asshole’s breed cow as well.  I was very clear that I’m looking for someone to adventure with to travel with to see the world and find new things and experience life with.  This does not include a picket fence, 2.5 kids, and a dog.  I’m not that girl.  I don’t know if I ever will be that girl.

I seriously resent this idea of some dude totally discounting all of these amazing women in his age range who are ready for that life.  Instead he wants some 25 year old who is too insecure to demand her own life.  He’s not looking for someone like me who will say let’s have fun for 5 years as a couple and adventure around the world and then maybe think about family planning.  No, he’s going to want to get married and start popping out babies before he’s 45.  Good luck finding a 25 year old in the Beltway who isn’t ambitious and wants to focus on her career less than having your kids … this town isn’t really the place for that…

And in the end – he’s turned into quite the sarcastic asshole emailing me things like.  “What the fuck?!?!  Well I’m glad you had all this worked out in your head a month ago. It’s a fucking shame you didn’t share.”  I just responded “It’s ok, I can be the adult one here and accept responsibility for starting to like you and think we could have more than that.  All my fault.”  Class act… it’s a wonder he’s still single at 40.  SHOCKED I say … SHOCKED!

BTW this is just one of the many stories I’ve been meaning to write.

READ PART 2: THE RETURN OF THE PROFESSOR

Having It Both Ways: The Man Whisperer

Having It Both Ways: The Man Whisperer

Read more of the Having it Both Ways Project here

For the last several years I’ve somehow become a safe haven for men over 40 who want or need someone to talk to.  For reasons passing in understanding, emotionally damaged or emotionally unavailable men flock to me like married women flock to a Katherine Heigl flick on a Saturday afternoon.  Married men, men in relationships, single men, men suffering from sexual dysfunction, men in full on mid-life crisis mode, men rediscovering themselves, men who have never discovered themselves, men in denial, fully actualized men, horny men, curious men…. they all seem to find me and they instantly want to talk to me as if I hold some great wisdom or understanding about the women-folk.

One of my dear friends called me The Man Whisperer because I can somehow get them to open up and talk about things of which they dare not speak.  As if I’m somehow bilingual – I speak “Woman” and I speak “Man.”  I don’t think any of that is necessarily true.  It isn’t that I understand both women and men so acutely that I can serve as a translator … I think it’s more that I think you’re all crazy and I don’t get any of you people.  (This is why I’m single.)  Yet, still they come… and I listen, and somehow manage to say the right thing or give comfort or inspire action.

The most difficult of these is a gentleman I’ve been speaking to online for over a year.  We met a little before he was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor in his manly bits.  A significant portion had to be removed for a walnut sized tumor that was causing the difficulty – leaving him with what he refers to as a “Frankenweenie” and a response time that leaves a lot to be desired.  But like a good man, his mind is still in the horny place.  Somehow, unfortunately, his mind is the only one.  He’s become a kind of leper in his own house.  His wife won’t come near him, his kids don’t pay attention to him.  A few months ago when we reconnected after not corresponding for a few months, he told me he felt like a house plant that every once in a while they would dust and water.

Another married man friend was hardly getting any sleep and when I asked why he said that he bought himself a video game system he’d been hiding from his spouse and sneaking out to play it at 3am.  He got mad when I told him it was the most depressing thing I’ve ever heard.

I know it’s easy to point to isolated incidents in other people’s lives and say – “There!  That’s fucked up!”  But you have to wonder what would lead someone to these moments in their lives.  I never have the brilliant solution or the convenient how-to guide, all I do is listen and say what I think.  It’s all I can do.  And gather the wisdom that women are just as insane and jacked up as men are.  My advice today, dear reader, regardless of which bits you possess, is to stop being such a pain in the ass to your partner and genuinely get your shit together.  Not necessarily for the sake of your partner, but for the sake of yourself.  Otherwise you might end up reading about your depressed partner on someone’s blog some day.

Having It Both Ways: Never go to the store when youre hungry!

Having It Both Ways: Never go to the store when youre hungry!

Read more about the Having it Both Ways project here.

You’ve heard it before, right?  Never go to the grocery store when you’re hungry.  Don’t do it.  Have a sammich or grab a cappuccino … but if you go when you’re hungry you’ll end up with $150 of Cheetos puff balls, wine, several pounds of deli meat, frozen pies, not to mention the things you’ve somehow convinced yourself that you’re going to cook throughout the week but then realize you probably won’t really.

This is a lot like sex.  No, seriously, go along with me, here.  When you’re hungry …. don’t go to the grocery store.  See what I did there?  Because ultimately you’ll end up with a crazy dude you met off the internet that is throwing up all sorts of red flags, but your libido is saying “oh … yes… right there… right there….”  Why?  Because it’s hungry. You don’t need the cheetos.  Put the pie down.

This is exactly why I have the all too infrequent Fifty Shades of Grey.  Fifty came into my life at a particularly difficult time in my romantic journey when I needed a distraction.  Our sexy repartee and his sexual puns provided hours of email and gchat enjoyment.  And now that we’ve taken it offline, it’s kept me from making any additional bad mistakes.

It serves as a lesson for everyone but also a question for those too uncomfortable with the idea of someone only serving that role in your life.  Is the expectation that you’ll end up in the happy endings you get with “Friends with Benefits” or “No Strings Attached?”  Because, I’ve long held that Hollywood’s interpretation of relationships like that are sensationalized for the “chick flick” viewing audience who longs for the music to swell and the lovers to be together forever…. awwww…  But its not always going to end up like that, and it’s unrealistic to believe that it will.

This is why I assume I keep getting comments from my girlfriends telling me to “cut him loose.”  I always ask why and the answer is always – “There’s no relationship in it for you.”  My question becomes…. So, whats wrong with that?  That’s not what I want either, that’s not what I’m striving for with this person.  That isn’t our relationship now nor am I hoping it will be.  So… why is it not ok to have a “friendship” or “relationship” that isn’t going to end with marriage, 2.5 kids, a house with a picket fence, and a dog?  Are we so conditioned as women to think that our relationships should end that way that when we see them taking a different path we cut the line loose?  What would happen if the end game wasn’t a long-term, traditional, monogamous, marriage?  How might we do things differently?  How might dating or sex change?  How might we as people change?  Food for thought, dear reader, food for thought….

Having it Both Ways: America’s Favorite Past Time – Sex and Judgment

Having it Both Ways: America’s Favorite Past Time – Sex and Judgment

Photo credit goes to Sprinkles Guy

Read more about the Having It Both Ways Project here.  Or just imagine you did and instead watch dirty videos… i don’t care.

I’m still pretty shocked by the responses I had this week after the post I did on my fear of falling in love.  I guess in retrospect I should have been more clear instead of just rambling my feelings like a confused mime expecting readers to see past the initial two paragraphs.  It seems once folks saw I’d slept with a married dude that was all they could read.  Most missed the point entirely.  And even in the follow up piece, few got to the next to last paragraph that said the last thing I wanted was to end up in a relationship where I wasn’t having my needs met and even thought of cheating on my partner.

What I should have done is simply describe the 4 relationships and ask you, dear reader, which one is the healthiest relationship.

Relationship 1:  Couple has sex rarely, argues constantly.  This has gone on their entire short marriage.  Husband has had multiple affairs and is unhappy.  Wife knows nothing.  Husband would leave if it was financially feasible.

Relationship 2:  Couple loves each other deeply, soul mates … the whole bit.  Wife is incredibly vanilla, husband is incredibly… not.  Husband seeks non-emotional detached sex toy that just happens to be human without wife’s knowledge.

Relationship 3:  Couple is deeply and profoundly in love.  Only had a few relationships in their lives.  Married after college.  Have incredible communication, tell each other everything, talk and process, have good sex.  Husband falls for a friend of theirs – friend falls too.  Couple considers open marriage with rules and guidelines for potential play as their relationship evolves and they try to understand more about their needs both individually and as a couple.

Relationship 4:  Couple has been married a long time.  Constantly fight.  Wife feels she’s not there’s no emotion in their relationship or their sex.  Desperate for passion, intimacy, and someone to love her.  Would never have affair.

Answer which one is the healthiest relationship.

Now.  Which one is the most socially acceptable relationship?  Answer why that is.

As I’m looking at relationships to pattern my own life off of, I’m seeing these and wondering which is the best for me, knowing that I don’t want to end up in a situation where I’m in relationships 1, 2, or 4.  How do you navigate that is my question?

Having It Both Ways: Let’s Talk about Sex

Having It Both Ways: Let’s Talk about Sex

Let's Talk about SEXCheck out more from the Having It Both Ways Project.

The presumption seems to be that because I write and talk about sex a lot, I am also having sex a lot.  Boy do I wish that were true.  The reality is a bit more pathetic.  Married people have more sex than I do.  Priests probably have more sex than I do.

The freedom that comes from finally figuring out who you are and what you want is a liberation that somehow makes you want to start having conversations about those very topics and asking questions to your much more experienced friends.  I ask … because I don’t know.  I talk about it because my experience is lacking.

But despite my confidence in talking about sexuality, relationships, and dating, my actual comfort in a free-love type of world…. well …… I’m still not exactly the free love type of person that many of my friends seem to be.  I’ve never had a one night stand.  I’ve never picked someone up in a bar and taken them home or gone back to his or her place.  I’ve never had sex on a first date… second date… or third date for that matter. And until today, never been kissed on a first date.

It took me two years before I was comfortable with the idea of sleeping with Dude 3 and six more months before I fell for him.  It took me a month before I trusted 50 to even stop by my apartment.  My hands were shaking so much, and we didn’t even do the deed.

Sex doesn’t have to equal love, so I’m not holding out for my heart to flutter the perfect way or angels to sing.  Sex can be fun, relaxing, it can be stress relief, and too it can be a physical expression of the love you have for someone else.  For me, sometimes, the things I do with the guy back home just helps me clear my head.  Like a mental and emotional reset button that helps me stop being so intense and uptight.  And any of you who know me well know that I can be pretty intense and uptight – despite my sexual liberation.

The truth is, while I admire those who are so free and able to express their sexuality with folks they’ve just met, I’m still very slow to trust anyone, whether they’re friends or sexual partners.  That’s slowly getting better, thanks to Dude 3‘s influence challenging me and pushing me for the 6 months we were getting closer.  But I still have to remind myself not to revert back to the fearful yet eager person I’ve spent most of my life being.

Having It Both Ways: Fear sets in – What if I fall in love?

Having It Both Ways: Fear sets in – What if I fall in love?

Is monogamy relevant in contemporary society?Read more about the Having It Both Ways Project!

UPDATE:  Read the follow up to this post here

For the past year and a half I’ve been having an affair off and on with someone who is in a relationship.  A miserable relationship with an awful, atrocious human being, but a relationship nonetheless.  While we now live in other places and have only seen each other twice this year, we talk constantly, sometimes it’s super hot talk, sometimes it’s me playing therapist to hear about his relationship woes, sometimes it’s him yelling at me for my political philosophy that he doesn’t agree with, but most times…. it’s just really really hot talk.

A month ago I started having hot conversations with another married guy.  I don’t know many of the details of his situation, but like the guy back home, I’m not this guy’s first affair, nor do I doubt I’ll be his last.

I also had a friend who was known for cheating on his long term partner SEVERAL times.

A married female friend of mine said to me this weekend “without religion telling us what is acceptable, we probably wouldn’t have come up with monogamy on our own.”  She and her husband have been together for a VERY long time, and recently decided to start thinking about having a more “open” relationship.  There are rules and guidelines, but the understanding is that there are adventures that the relatively inexperienced couple could have outside of their relationship as long as they maintained their marriage.  They’ve been in couples counseling for more than six months, and their therapist outright told them that of all of her couples, they communicate their needs and concerns better than any other she sees.  They are stable, rational, consenting adults who know the red flags to watch out for in making something like this work.

Another married friend of mine has been with her husband for 12 years and was shocked to hear the above story.  “I could never do that,” she told me.  “I’m too jealous,” and I think she also said possessive.  She also said that when emotions are involved it’s harder to allow for encounters like the one the couple above described, and both her and her husband have too many emotions wrapped into their relationship.

That’s not to say, however, that the open marriage couple doesn’t – their rule is:  they come home to each other.  They are partners and there is a commitment between them.  Clearly, however, the emotions that are in play with the two top men above are significantly detached.  Guy number one doesn’t love his wife, guy number two doesn’t love me, and both aren’t getting something that they clearly need in their existing relationships.  Which is why they come to me.

That’s why people cheat, right?  Well… mostly.  Because a need is not being fulfilled?  I suppose there is always the “Self Loathing Cheater” … you know the ones who cheat because “if she loves me there’s clearly something wrong with her” or “I don’t deserve to be happy because I’m a horrible person so I’ll sabotage our relationship.”  But let’s just focus on the needs not being fulfilled because that fits in with my two guys.

My non-monogamous friend asked me “what’s the difference between having girlfriends that you can go see chick flicks with for two hours and someone with whom you can have a different form of sex with for two hours?”  It’s a fair question.  If you’re not talking about love, it’s just fun and games, does it constitute cheating or an affair?  Many many many women, especially those back home, would say yes, because they would see it as a betrayal of trust.  I think they do have a point there.  If the spouse is lying about it and sneaking around, then it is a betrayal, isn’t it?  It’s a lie.  But what if you both discussed it, the rules, and the terms and ensured there was no love involved here?  Is it still a betrayal?

My mom’s second husband cheated on her and it left her a profoundly different person who is certainly a lot less trusting, and that’s a factor in her current relationship.  She was never able to get over that sense of betrayal.  The cheater in that situation, however, never loved the women he was with, nor did he love her any less, but I’m confident if he came to her and said “I’m a sex addict can I ……?” she’d never consent.  I doubt there are many wives, particularly in Oklahoma who would, addiction or not.

As I’m beginning to date and go on dates with people who are specifically looking for commitments, I’m starting to wonder about my own ability to be in a monogamous relationship with someone.  What if I fall for a guy and he can’t fulfill me in the deep emotional way that women do?  Are emotional cuddly relationships with women acceptable because we just take for granted that women have “lady friends” or does it become something different because I use to be a lesbian?  Is an emotional affair between me and another woman still an affair?  Does our culture accept that there are things that we don’t expect men to be able to provide so we look to obtain them from our “lady friends?”

If we say yes – would the same be true if I ended up in a long term relationship with a woman that I was deeply and profoundly emotionally in love with – but who wasn’t into wild crazy adventurous spontaneous sex, and thus that part of me was left unfulfilled?  If I stepped out on her and had a “play partner” I boinked occasionally, but didn’t love, is that still unacceptable?  Is it the same thing?

My biggest fear in dating folks is in falling in love with someone who doesn’t meet all of my needs.  But is it wrong to assume that I can find someone who actually will?  And is it more sensible to decide what needs 100% must be met and what are more…. soft needs that can be somehow available elsewhere?   I think once you grow up and realize that there really isn’t that one single soulmate that completes you perfectly, the former begins to look more appealing.  The people who are in relationships like that are often times obsessed with each other, co-dependent, and incredibly dysfunctional.  So that’s not exactly healthy either.

Either way, it’s unfair for any of us to say what is or isn’t acceptable for one couple or another.  Decrying that X is right for everyone puts us back into 1950′s America where everything looked the same, sounded the same, and was the same.  It’s the Edward Scissorhands society, and I think we can all agree we don’t want to live there.  What works for the open relationship couple works for them.  Monogamy is only acceptable to my mom and her husband.  Who is any of us to say  which is better or worse.   What is difficult is that when looking for models in society, fictional, or real – there are no examples for which we can compare our own experience.  There are no public examples of non-monogamous couples who make it work, at least mainstream couples.  No fictional examples on television or in books either.  How can we pattern what our relationships should be if there is no path before us?  It leaves us making it up as we go along.

My friend said that this is what our generation is changing most about our society.  We are the “no boundaries” generation, especially when it comes to sex and sexuality.  Perhaps, it’s why we’re so open and affirming of LGBT couples.  The culture war is a boundary war – a massive shift between older generations who grew up being taught “we just don’t do things that way….”  Compared to my generation that is more open to embracing the differences people have or differences people seek.  The uniqueness of the individual.

As I’m dating and meeting more people, sure part of it is about learning more about myself, but ultimately it’s about uncovering what kind of relationship will work best for me.  I’m frustrated that I don’t have that answer readily available.  I know in my head what would be nice to have, but I don’t know how that works in actual practice, nor if its even attainable.  In the end, the biggest fear I have after each date I go on, whether I liked the person or not, is: holy shit… what if this turns out to be “the one” and he or she isn’t capable of meeting my needs.  Does that then me that he or she ISN’T the one?  And does that mean I should always hold out for the perfect person?  If I do that though, might I be waiting forever?  Or does it mean that I’ll end up like guys #1 and #2 stepping out looking to have those needs fulfilled.

I guess – I just want answers and there aren’t any.  There’s so much grey area – 50 shades of grey area – and I’m more comfortable with knowing an absolute definitive answer.